Do The Eyes Smile?

i won’t continue in the lifestyle after Biker, don’t think i could. Belong to Another; i don’t think i could go through it again. The learning of a new master/mistress their ways, likes and dislikes? A very true Dom friend said i should mentor other slaves, but don’t feel i could do that either. To mentor anyone would take great wisdom. i wonder how wise i am……… i hold no illusions about the lifestyle.. i give everything, or do i? i am searching my self for answers. Was i holding back? Was i giving all? i have learned many things about myself through my writing. One being that I need to feel totally excepted i need to feel loved. Maybe i was asking for proof that Biker loved me. my own blindness may have caused a great deal of my own pain. Maybe i was not serving Biker to meet His need but to serve my own need? i guess this carries over from my childhood. i was always looking for approval. Maybe it’s my own feeling of lack. If i fail to give everything, or even feel i had not, then i failed. Maybe through my life i felt nothing i did was ever enough to cause my dad to love me. Because of my childhood experiences with dad i spent my whole life working to please everyone around me. one can grow very tired from striving to please. Maybe i felt i didn’t deserve any one’s love. Maybe i didn’t believe myself worthy of love.

Being slave is just that. Rarely are things, as you would wish. When i meet a slave face to face and she smiles, or I see a (slave) come into a chat room and they appear so happy, i very much doubt they are being honest. Have they learned to bury their true feelings? I always look at the eyes for a smile. Are their eyes bright, sparkling or dark, with hit of something hidden. Did anyone every look into my eyes and see the pain hidden behind a plastic smile? Without feelings there’s nothing but a robot. i wonder if most don’t go through the motions and learn to act as happy slaves. i think zombie might be a good description or when something is painful, they just switch to autopilot?

Although during those times i was unsure of His Love for me, today i have no doubt of it. Happiness is a strange word for this though. One thing i do know is that i love Biker and that makes me (happy). i have Him 24/7, and in that i am (happy). He wasn’t in it to make me unhappy, of course i enjoyed most everything and i would have enjoyed some things, He wouldn’t do. There were many things i wished to try but He said no. He was protecting me, as any good master would. He says, “why would anyone want to harm their own property if they wish them for life”. What He didn’t see at the time was the emotional, mental harm i suffered from the things He did insist on. Having to except other slaves or in the very beginning, not wishing to be with a women. All the crying and turmoil i had tried to come to terms with in those elements, but i did it for Biker. i wonder if i have healed inside. Maybe by the time i have finished this work i will have the answers and healing i need. i wish to say here, both Biker and i have grown much in our understanding and communication since those times.

This is why i don’t think i would go through it again with another. i knew what the rules from the beginning. i accepted them at least in theory. i learned to detach emotionally or i thought i had. If i wanted Biker i had no choice, and i did with all my heart. Do i know what would heal me? i do not. The turmoil ate at me constantly. Why i wasn’t enough? Why did He need other women? Why was the kink the all in all, kink being, seeing two women together, or having two women at one time to play with. These were questions i was constantly turning over in my head. Biker and i spoke of these issues many times. But somehow i couldn’t get it. i could not grasp His reasoning or explanations. i would become so frustrated i did not press it further. Having no experience with anything but monogamous relationships this seemed (as some would say) out in left field.

i have buried so much, for example, one thing in particular that has never gone away. i was in love with Biker from the first moment. i thought He felt the same. i didn’t discover differently until after we were together 24/7 for about 9 months. All the time i was wishing to be with Him, only seeing Him occasionally, every six weeks or so, i found out up until my claiming, He had been seeing another female the entire time, i was shattered. i had this in my head and heart that He loved me, needed me as much as i did Him. i had to face the fact the He hadn’t. i thought I had forgiven Him, i wonder now if i did or maybe i just buried it deep inside. i do know i love Him more deeply and with unspoiled devotion than i thought possible. All those desperately lonely weekends that i couldn’t see Him, He may have been with her. i was His i had been claimed emotionally i could do nothing but go on.. He told me as much, He told me to let it go or leave, not much of a choice. i thought i had let it go. i’ve never forgotten the pain of that discovery. The rose colored glasses i had worn since meeting my Biker were smashed. Biker was the first real love of my life, even though i had been married thirty-five years, the love i had for Biker was so moving emotionally and sexually. He stirred me in so many deep and profound ways. Just Him holding me in His arms made me truly content. All the time i was grieving over not being able to see Him, was He with another, making love to her? my trust was broken but i was slave and had no recourse..

It’s hard to describe feeling trapped, trapped in that i couldn’t leave but how could i stay. i just retreated inside myself. Biker would have let me leave, it wasn’t that i would have been forced to stay, but i would never have broken free from His hold. A Master sees it as their right. Here i thought He just couldn’t get away for some good reason such as, business or He was still with His ex, although sleeping in the studio and couldn’t get out and away. Maybe it’s just a man’s nature to be promiscuous, i don’t know. But it did not change the way i felt. i truly sought to accept my slave life, my feelings not really counting.

Compounding that the turmoil inside me was His relationship with Susan, our prospective slave. Biker did love Susan, He did kick her out after He saw her for what she was, but it still hurt Him deeply. i hated seeing Him hurting all because I couldn’t handle things. I then felt extreme guilt. I had failed to be submissive enough. Biker assured me i had not. He did get rid of her for He knew He was losing me emotionally. i was shutting down, unable to function except on autopilot. i would never have left Him but i would have been truly serving as a zombie, if i didnt lose my mind, which i came close to doing a couple of times. It’s difficult to describe effectively. i was totally withdrawing from Him but i didn’t realize this until He called me on it.

Susan’s children, Jen and Derrick were at our home visiting. We had been trying to work out the details of Susan and her kids moving in with us. We had planned to have the kids with us a couple of weeks. i was struggling with my doubts about how this was going to work, and at the same time i had discovered the information about Biker’s other female during our beginning days. i felt as if i was walking in a fog during those times. i had gone out onto the porch many times that day. i couldn’t sit still or stay in the house with them. Jen and Derrick were watching a movie. i had gone out again and was just staring off into the distance seeing nothing really. Biker came out and stood there. i knew He was watching me, He was asked me point blank what was wrong. i tried to deny that anything was wrong. He came closer. He asked again. i couldn’t seem to answer. i had stepped off the porch and was standing next to the huge oak tree. He came closer to me stepping down onto the walkway. i didn’t know it until a bit later but i was backing away from Him. He stepped closer and i backed up against the big oak. i started crying, i just couldn’t help myself. i was falling apart. i wanted to avoid having to bring this all out.

There is only so much hiding one can do before having to face the reality of things. What would be His reaction? Would He be angry, toss me out for Susan? i would be letting Him down. i was slave i couldn’t dictate to Him. What about me though? i just couldn’t cope with this. All of a sudden it all just came tumbling out of me. i was sobbing and trying to make sense. i was shaking, frightened of the possible reactions from Him. He stood there quietly listening. He asked why i had not said something before? i mumbled something about not feeling i had the right, that i was afraid. He said simply, ok. He said He would not lose me. i said i would never leave Him. That i would cope somehow that i would resolve myself to making it work. He said, “He was already losing me”. That’s when He told me about me backing away from Him. i had never done that. My weeping had slowed. We went back onto the porch and sat there quietly. We had tried to keep the conversation quiet because of the kids being in the house. We didn’t want them to hear. Biker said, no way would He lose me. He would end it with Susan somehow..

i knew Susan and the kids would be deeply hurt. i felt lousy. i knew Biker loved Susan and wanted her very much to be with us. Even with all my fears and doubts i cared for them too. At the same time i was feeling the beginnings of relief, wash over me. Would Biker be forever disappointed in me? Would He after a few days, change His mind and expect me to except things? i still felt as if i was holding my breath, waiting for Him to tell me to except things or leave. Over the next few days we took the kids back home early and He ended it with Susan. It’s odd though. Over the next few months He began to see things differently about her. He saw how i did the work while she played. How many times she had deceived Him about her intent. We tried to continue with Susan for a time, but only as a friend or sub for play. The play ended, but to this day we still count her as a friend.