Life After Love Ch. 03

PART 3: Happily Ever After?

***

So far Saya’s birthday weekend was running perfectly. Saya had adored the decorations to her room Thursday. Friday was relaxing and peaceful. Saturday with Lauren was a joyous pleasure-fest. I only hoped we could continue the momentum.

Saturday’s dinner was heavenly, and after a soak in the jacuzzi, we let our loins rest and just went to sleep. I dreamed nothing but sweet dreams, and Saya was in every one of them.

When we awoke, breakfast was room service on our balcony. We were naked under our bathrobes, casually chatting with our orange juice and croissants. It was during this peaceful moment when I saw real worry on Saya’s face for the first time. Not just a momentary anger or shame, but serious worry.

I turned and took her hands in mine. “What’s wrong?”

“There is something you must know.” She paused then. I just waited patiently, Saya was always direct and when she wanted to say something she always came out and said it.

She looked at me, tears in her eyes. “I must leave you soon.”

My mind immediately flashed back to the apartment complex and the two week move out date. But the hope in me shoved that thought away. “Uh, you have plans for this afternoon?”

Saya smiled, a bittersweet smile I will never forget. “No. I must truly leave you. I am going back to Japan.”

“In two weeks,” I blurted.

She looked at me oddly. “Yes, how did you know?”

I explained what happened with the apartment complex. And then I asked the question that ultimately doomed me. “When will you be back?”

“I don’t know. It is possible that I will not come back.”

Her answer hit me like a ton of bricks. Wait, when she means leaving, she really means LEAVING. That simple thought shattered me, and immediately I felt the pain of a dagger through my heart. “I… I don’t understand. Why?”

“I was here on a one-year work visa. That is all I was allowed. That one year is almost over. I knew this when I came.”

“You knew? How come you never told me?”

“Because if you knew, you would have been thinking about it every day for six months. I have told you before, you always worry about tomorrow. And it does not let you enjoy today.”

My mind was whirling, my eyes twitching back and forth as I tried to comprehend. This was impossible. I couldn’t lose her. But the signs were always there. The warnings that I needed to have my own life outside of her. How she redirected the conversation every time I asked about our future. She had known all along that ours was to be a short-lived affair.

“I chose to wait until today to tell you. To let you be happy during the time we had. Also, it would be unfair to surprise you on the very last day. So this was the compromise between letting you enjoy each day and still give time for you to adjust.”

“But, what about us? How can you leave?”

Saya reached her hand out to my face, wiping away the tears, smiling bravely. “I would be nice if I could stay. But my visa expires, and that is that. I enjoyed my time here, my time with you. But this is not my country.”

I suddenly seized her hands in mine. A reckless thought came to mind. The morning sun was beautiful, the cliffs and the ocean and the waves. But she was more beautiful than them all. “Saya, marry me! Please, will you marry me?”

Surprised, she pulled back and I lost my grip on her hands. She blinked several times, the shock evident on her face.

I knew my eyes were a little crazed. “Please, then you can stay! You wouldn’t need a visa!”

I saw her eyes flickering, her mind racing as fast as mine for a moment. Finally, she decided, then leaned in to kiss me fiercely; it was a kiss so strong and so hard that my teeth hurt. When she pulled back, there were tears in her eyes as well. But her tone was anything but comforting.

“You are sweet, and kind. But we have talked about this before. I am not ready to settle down and be married. I am young, and there are many other things I want to experience. I am sorry, but my answer is ‘no’.”

She got up then, and went to the doorway. She turned back to look at me and my crushed body. “It is not our karma. Perhaps I was here to help you realize that you CAN find love again. That there are other ways of being happy after your ex-wife. But I was only here for precious moments, to lift you up again. Now there must be someone else for your future.”

***

The work week was the usual miserableness of treating Saya like a professional co-worker. Oddly enough, that practice of being emotionally detached from her served me well. I realized then that I would still be alive; I could handle being apart from her without it ruining my life.

I still missed her, and she was right. Even if I did not spiral down into suicidal depression, I still could not enjoy each day knowing she would be leaving soon. Six months of doing this would have killed me.

The five work days gave me time to think apart from her, to let my analytical brain earn its keep in the war with my heart. She was my girlfriend, not my wife. We had never talked about our future, of kids or homes or anything like that. She had kept me grounded in the moment, enjoying each day and getting the most happiness from my life. It hurt to think of losing her, but she had reminded me to live again.

For our last weekend together, she made sure that we went out and about, keeping ourselves busy. We went dancing and hiking. We had picnics and visited all the tourist spots she had missed. She said goodbye to Lauren, and made Lauren promise to keep an eye on me. “I’m leaving you in good hands. She loves you more than you realize,” Saya told me. “A woman’s intuition.”

I filed that away, not really listening. I was too consumed by my grief over losing Saya. We never were apart for more than a few minutes that weekend. When we weren’t out and about, we holed up in my condo and made love every chance we got, as if it was the last time we would ever be that intimate again.

Monday and Tuesday were the hardest days of my life. Knowing that I had such little time left, but locked into the professional routine, was driving me mad. I had to tough it out. I took Wednesday off from work so I could take Saya to the airport. I waited in the security line with her, and just before she went through, we kissed for the last time. I poured my heart into that kiss, filling it with everything I had. She kissed me back firmly, but pulled away far too soon.

“Sayonara.” It had such a ring of finality to it.

And then Saya was gone.

I stood there in the terminal, just soaking in the emotions flooding through me. I willed myself not to leave until I was sure I could move on.

I had lost my wife, and then I tried to turn Saya into a new wife. It was all I knew, but it was the wrong choice. She had been patient. She had been kind. And she had been very giving to me. I truly loved her, and maybe she even loved me. But I had nothing else to offer her. Money, affection, and clinginess were not enough to make her settle down with me. A thousand other men could offer the same. She was young and wanted to experience the world; to see new things. All I wanted to do was force her to settle and take that away.

Saya wasn’t the one for me. I had a concept of what I wanted in life: Home, car, financial security, wife and 2.5 kids, golf club membership. I had everything but the family, and my “wife” was a cardboard cutout with a big hole where the face belonged. And I had tried to just paste Saya’s face into that hole, to wedge her into a set role in my life. But people don’t work that way.

I waited, and thought, and waited some more. I waited until my brain physically hurt from the overuse, until deep down I knew that Saya was truly gone, and I was alone. I must have stood in that spot for over an hour, long enough to see that her flight had taken off. Finally, I accepted it.

I turned and strode from the terminal with a purpose. There was more to life than my ‘perfect concept’. My life after this love would begin again.

***

Thursday I was back in the office, running on autopilot. Everyday existence was boring and mundane. I had been totally dependent upon the one light in my life, and Saya was gone. My car, my home, all the rest brought me no relief.

I had to start over. But this time there would be no mourning period. I would find my own hobbies and ambitions. I would take control of my life, and emerge stronger than ever before! At least, that was the plan.

Thursday night I found myself miserable, and alone. I was sitting in my recliner, watching Cinemax on the plasma TV. One day gone, knowing Saya was a million miles away, and I was stuck in my rut already.

Friday night I was doing the same thing until Lauren saved me. She showed up at my door at 10pm, wearing a thick overcoat to ward out the cold. Her dark hair was nicely done in an up-do, with dangling earrings as if she was going out on the town.

“Somehow I knew you’d been at home pouting,” she remarked as I let her in. Then her blue eyes flashed. “So, I figured I’d come and cheer you up a bit.”

With that, the overcoat hit the floor, revealing that she was clad only in revealing red lingerie and high heels. Her boobs had seemingly only gotten bigger, pushed up in the most advanced technology horny guys could design in a bra. Her ass was perfect in the thong. She evaluated me coolly as I gawked at her gorgeous body. “Just so we’re clear: you can’t fall in love with me.”

“No problem,” I answered, my eyes locked into a spot about a foot below her eyes. We fell into a comfortable embrace, and I let the pleasure carry me far away from all my troubles.

When we were both finished, I lifted my head off of her naked bosom and looked into Lauren’s eyes. She blinked once, then reached a hand up to stroke my cheek.

I leaned down and kissed her gently. “Thank you, for everything.”

She smiled. “You don’t have to thank me. It was my pleasure.”

“Uh, my pleasure too.”

She giggled. Her face was softer than I ever remembered, and for a brief moment I saw through her carefree exterior to a vulnerable girl who just wanted to be loved. She whispered to me, “For you, anytime.”