I guided Helen through the front door, and stopped, looking all around and at the bar.
The same couple dozen old folks sat around the bar with just a few extra younger guys, maybe a dozen or so, standing in a line at either end, waiting for drinks.
“It’s all dudes in here, Harry… and they’re all gawking at me. Let’s go. It’s creeping me out.”
She was right. There were a few older ladies sitting at the bar, but everyone else was male, and most of their eyes were on my wife. She pulled my bathrobe tighter around her.
“Yeah,” I said, “It’s a sausage fiesta,” trying to lighten her mood with a laugh.
She didn’t even blink. “Let’s just get to the party.”
Still looking around, trying to figure out where the fuck everyone from all those cars in the lot had gone, I guided Helen toward the wide staircase.
There were two big goons standing there, guarding a red velvet rope that now blocked the stairs. As we approached, the bigger one on the right said, “Fifty dollars cover, folks. Each.” He looked and sounded like Lurch from the Adams Family. He had black hair, but his head was squarish and he had to be close to seven feet tall.
I said, “No. You don’t understand. I’m here for Ronnie’s bachelor party, and this is my wife. Franky’s expecting both of us.”
“That’s right,” Lurch said, nodding and looking annoyed. “And for both of you to get in you’ll pay a C note. Now either pay me, or get the f–”
Suddenly, the other goon, a long-haired ginger giant who looked like a viking, pointed at Helen and cried out, “Shit! That’s her! That’s her!”
Lurch looked over at the viking and said, “Who?”
“That’s Marilyn Chambers, you dummy! Franky said her and Tom Cruise were coming to – holy shit! It’s him – Tom fucking Cruise!” The viking laughed and stepped forward, holding his hand out to me.
Trying to process what I had just heard, I automatically just shook it. Franky had said what?
“I didn’t believe Franky when he called me in to work the door, but you and Marilyn Chambers really are here. The slimy fucker really came through. I loved you in Rain Man, Mr. Cruise! Loved you!” His huge hand was shaking the hell out of mine. “Hey, I didn’t know you got married to Marilyn Chambers! That is wicked cool, man.” He looked at Helen, nodded and said, “Hello, Miss Chambers… or is it Mrs. Cruise now? Such a pleasure to meet you both.” He looked back at me. “This is wicked cool, man! Wicked cool!”
“Thank you,” I said. “Thank you. Now can we go in?”
“Absolutely,” the viking said, releasing my hand.
Lurch unhitched the rope and pulled it aside.
As we hesitantly passed between them, the viking said, “Can’t believe you’re letting her blow so many dudes, though…. but I guess that orgy shit’s normal in Hollywood, right?”
Both Helen and I froze at the top of the staircase. The small area of the floor we could see at the bottom of the stairs was packed with men.
Suddenly, Franky’s voice blasted out loudly over the PA from downstairs. “Thank you. Thank you all for coming last minute to my big brother’s bachelor party. Boy! Word sure travels fast in this little town.” Then he shouted, “Is everybody ready to get their fucking dicks sucked!” Franky cackled obnoxiously as what was obviously a huge crowd roared in response.
I swear a hot breeze from the crowd’s outburst blasted up the stairs and blew our hair back.
Helen’s face turned white. Her mouth and eyes shot open as wide as they could open and she gasped so loudly I heard it above the crowd noise. Then, in a high-pitched squeaky voice, broken up by sheer terror, she shouted, “Fu-HUCK THIS!”
Spinning round, she clip-clopped frantically toward the exit. My terry cloth robe fell open in front from her dramatic arm swings, but she didn’t even seem to notice.
I ran after her, rushed by, getting in front, and pushed the door open for her. “Yeah,” I said, breathing heavily from the exertion of sprinting while carrying fifty or sixty pounds, “Let’s get the fuck… out of here! I have no idea… where all those people… came from! I swear to God, Babe.”
She clip-clopped past me, about to turn and go through the door. Suddenly, she jerked to a halt, a look of complete horror on her face. “Oh my God,” she cried, and then she shrieked, “Janet!”
Spinning and running in her high-heels faster than I had ever seen anyone run in heels before, Helen passed between the goons and disappeared down the wide staircase before I could even let go of the door.
“Helen! Wait!” I yelled, running after her as fast as I could while lugging all our stuff.
Jogging between the goons, already winded, Lurch asked, “Who the fuck is Helen?”
“That’s obviously her real name, Moron,” the viking answered. “All them porn names are fake… like Dick Rambone. Did you think that one was real, too?”
“Marilyn Chambers sounds real, though.”
As I ran down the stairs trying to catch up, I caught just a glimpse of her sprinting through some very surprised looking men at the bottom of the stairs. My terry cloth robe opened up. It flowed and flapped out behind her like a cape as she disappeared into the crowd.
The banquet hall erupted into loud cheers, applause, hoots, hollers and whistles, obviously in response to seeing a woman running into the hall dressed like a super whore.
The sound of their reaction to my half naked wife’s sudden appearance grew until it rocked the whole place. As I hit the bottom of the stairs, I had never heard anything that loud in my life.
Franky’s voice boomed out from the P.A. system. “Look everyone!” he shouted, “It’s her! It’s Marilyn Chambers! Put the spotlight on her, Jack! She’s right there in the middle of the room.”
A spotlight operator, set up high over my right shoulder on some staging, moved the spotlight off Franky, who was on stage, down into the crowd, searching around.
It landed on Helen.
Franky’s voice boomed out. “There!” Franky shouted. “Give her room, everybody. Give the lady some room.”
The crowd pulled away from her, leaving Helen exposed and alone in the spotlight, her skimpy, white ensemble glowing brightly in the light and her spectacular breasts completely bare and fully exposed, bursting over the top of her corset.
The crowd roared so loud it shook the hall.
Helen had run right into the middle of them, and was now spinning around, looking frantic and totally unaware that she was showing off her amazing naked breasts to the entire crowd of now wildly screaming men.
My terry cloth robe she’d been wearing had mysteriously vanished and her already bulging and squeezed-up breasts must have popped right out of the tight corset as she ran. The crowd screamed, clapped, cheered, jumped, hooted, stomped and whistled their approval.
“Ooooh!” Franky’s voice shouted in excitement over the PA, “Look at Marilyn’s tits! What great fucking tits!”
The crowd went wild, roaring even louder.
Helen stopped spinning, froze, and looked down at her naked breasts. She quickly crossed her arms to cover them and crouched down in exasperation, as if trying to shrink into the floor.
I spotted my robe in some asshole’s hand who was just ahead of me, waving it like a prize over his head. As I passed him, I snatched it from his grasp never even slowing down. Running onward to rescue my wife from the middle of that crazed mob, almost drowned out by the din, I heard Helen’s hysterical voice shriek out, “Janet!”
There had to be five or six hundred motherfuckers in that basement, and I was ready to crease the foreheads of every last one if they hurt a single hair on my wife’s head.
I crashed through the crowd like a bull through a cornfield, bulldozing at least six guys as I cleared a path to Helen. I broke into the space they had cleared so they could gawk at my semi-naked, crouching and terrified wife.
Helen spotted me coming, and as soon as I lifted the robe up, she jumped to her feet and dove into it.
The crowd booed and hissed, loudly jeering and complaining as I helped Helen hide her nakedness in the terry cloth robe.
Safely in the robe, I wrapped my arms protectively around her, as she desperately clung to me with her face buried in my chest. She was crying and shaking like a leaf.
“It’s Tom Cruise everybody!” Franky’s voice announced. “Let’s give Tom a big hand for saving Marilyn Chambers and her big beautiful tits from all you filthy animals!”
This made them laugh and actually calmed the crowd. The wild catcalls and jeers died down. It was replaced by a spattering of applause that grew into a loud, and much more conventional ovation.
“Are you okay, Baby?” I said, squeezing Helen tight.
“Oh thank you, Harry! Thank you so much. Yes! Yes, I’m okay, but we have to find Janet. I don’t know where–”
“Shhh! It’s okay. I know where she is,” I said, repeatedly kissing Helen on the head and squeezing her. “Let’s go.”
I started walking and some angry looking dude tried to block us. I swung and hit him aside so hard with the laundry bag that he stumbled sidelong and fell on his ass.
“Make a path for Tom and Marilyn, folks,” Franky yelled. “They’re headed for the kitchen…”
I headed for the door to the kitchen, as the crowd parted for us to pass, and their loud applause began to subside.
Franky’ s voice shouted, “Or should I call it the ‘Tug and Chug Room’?”
The crowd roared again, louder than ever, and the unruly mob was instantly back.
Franky cackled and said, “Marilyn and a bunch of other hot and horny sluts have agreed to blow you ALL and drink all your fucking loads tonight, guys!” The crowd cheered and Franky shouted. “Give ALL those cum guzzling whores a goddamned round of applause!”
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