Unfortunately, with few other options, I decided I had to inflict some sobering pain on my attacker. As I fended off his raging fist barrage, the window opened and I took it.
I kneed Brad hard in the balls.
He howled like a hound dog, clutched his junk and toppled off me.
I chuckled and sat up, rubbing the growing knot on my forehead.
“You stupid, piece of shit,” I shouted at him as he writhed in agony.
Picking up my dented, half empty can of beer I drained the bottom suds.
“You’ve been drooling over my wife’s ass for years!” I whipped the empty can at him and it bounced harmlessly with a tinny ping off his thick mane of hair, more for an emphasis than for an assault.
Later that night, after the kids were in bed and all our other guests had gone, Brad and Janet remained.
We sat around the fire in the back yard, applying bug spray, talking softly and drinking our drinks.
“When should we do this?” Helen asked.
“I want to do it now,” Janet said.
Brad frowned, and looked at his wife. “Why? Is he making you wet?”
Janet whacked Brad in the chest and sat up, turning to look him in the eye as she sat on his lap.
“What is your problem?” she asked. “I thought you were okay with this?”
“I am.” He shrugged. “I just never heard you say you get wet looking at me.”
“Of course I do. I even told you that before.”
“Well, I don’t remember that. I think I would remember that.”
“Brad, Baby,” Janet said, caressing his cheek. “If you’re too jealous to do this then we should not do it.”
I spoke up. “How about just you and Helen have sex, Brad?”
Brad’s eyes widened. “What?”
“Would you be okay with that, Janet? Just let them two go at it?”
Janet smiled. “Sure, that would be awesome. As long as we get to watch.” She turned and looked at Brad. “Would you like that, Honey? Just you and Helen?”
Brad shrugged, staring at me. After a long pause, he asked, “Don’t you want to fuck my wife’s great ass?”
“I said gorgeous ass. Your wife has a gorgeous ass. And, yes, of course I want to fuck it… but not if it hurts you. What the fuck, Brad. I love you. We’re like brothers.”
“Okay,” Brad said, “Then you won’t mind if I fuck Helen.”
“Nope. Take her right now if you want.”
“Hey!” Helen said, “I think I get a say in this, and I’m not-”
“No! You don’t!” I held my hand up as I interrupted her. “Remember. You fuck who I say and when I say it and however I want you to do it.”
Helen did not look happy.
Both Brad and Janet sat up and took turns looking back and forth at my wife and me in the flickering campfire light.
“What the hell is going on, Helen?” Janet asked, breaking the intense silence.
“I… I cheated on Harry.”
“Holy shit!” Brad said.
Janet got down off his lap and kneeled on the grass in front of Helen. “Are you okay?” She asked her.
“Is she okay?” I laughed and shook my head, taking a swig of my beer.
Janet and Helen darted annoyed glances in my direction. Janet hugged Helen, and then my wife began to sob quietly as Janet consoled her.
Brad leaned forward. He said, “Harry, are you okay?”
“No. No, Brad. I’m not.”
I downed the rest of my beer and grabbed another from the cooler. Motioning to Brad with a can, he nodded and I tossed him a full one.
We popped our tabs and sipped.
“Is that why you want to have sex with Janet, to get back at Helen?”
His innocence or naivety seemed absurd to me. This couple was nowhere near mature enough to copulate with.
I decided right there, after that question, that we could not have sex with Brad and Janet.
“No, Brad. Me wanting to fuck your wife has nothing to do with Helen. It has nothing to do with you. I just think your wife is hot and I would like to fuck your hot wife, but I don’t think you’re mature enough to handle that.”
Brad looked like he was about to explode again. His eyebrows knotted up and his hand formed a fist.
“See!” I pointed at his fist. “Are you going to try to punch me again with that? You’re getting angry… again. You can’t even discuss real feelings without getting angry. Should I be angry about your real feelings of lust for Helen? Should I?”
“No, I don’t feel that way–”
“Oh, just shut the fuck up if you’re going to lie. Let’s talk about work, or baseball if you can’t handle adult conversations. You definitely can’t handle wife swapping. So let’s just end that idea right here and now.”
I took a drink and we sat there a moment. The girls continued whispering, crying and hugging.
“So,” I said to Brad, “How about them Sox? I hear they’re in second to last place.”
“I want to fuck Helen,” Brad loudly blurted out.
Everyone looked at him.
“I’ve always wanted to fuck Helen.” His face became so intense it looked like he was getting a leg amputated. “I am such a fucking asshole!” he screamed, putting both his hands on either side of his head and grimacing. “I want her so bad that I think about her every time I have sex with Janet.”
Everyone sat there in silence, stunned.
Suddenly, Janet said, “Oh, shit!” She looked over at me. “I guess you were right. He does have the biggest crush.” She giggled.
I shook my head. “That’s not a crush, Janet. Brad’s in love with my wife.”
Janet’s smile faded. She turned her head slowly toward Helen. They gazed into each others eyes for several long seconds.
Helen’s eyelids fluttered. She shook her head and began to speak. “I don’t know anything about-”
Janet slapped her hard across the face.
Helen yelped and held her cheek.
I jumped from my chair, crossed the distance and pushed Janet away from Helen. “Don’t you dare strike my wife. Your husband is the one in love with her. Go hit him.”
Janet, now on her ass, looked up at me and burst into tears. “But… but she loves him, too!”
“Helen doesn’t love Brad, you idiot. Helen doesn’t love anyone but Helen.”
Brad lifted Janet off the grass. She allowed him to help her to her feet until she realized who was helping her.
Janet hauled off and smacked him hard across the face, too, much harder than she had slapped Helen.
“You fucking love her?” she screamed.
“No! No!” Brad said, holding his cheek, a look of horror on his face. “I just want to fuck her… like… like you want to fuck Harry. That’s all. Just that.”
Janet pointed back at Helen, both girls a complete blubbering mess. “You fucking think of her every time we have sex. What the fuck is that?”
“I love you, Janet! I love you!”
Janet’s body shook as she sobbed. Shaking her head from side to side, she hugged herself.
Brad moved in, trying to hug her. She pushed him away.
“Okay,” I shouted, “Everyone stop!”
They all paused and looked at me. I said, “Brad, have you ever cheated on Janet?”
“No, of course not.”
“I didn’t think so. And I would know. I’m your best friend.” I looked Janet in the eyes. “Janet, have you ever cheated on Brad.”
Still softly sobbing, she shook her head.
“I didn’t think so… but you knew my wife was cheating on me, didn’t you, Janet?”
Her sobbing came to an abrupt halt. She glanced quickly at Helen and averted her eyes. Janet began shaking her head.
“Janet, be honest. Helen has told me every God damn thing. Haven’t you, Helen?”
“Yes, I told him everything, Janet. Even things you don’t know. You can be honest with Harry.”
Janet still looked hesitant.
I said, “I know you knew, Janet. It’s okay. I know about the elf, about the neighbor, about the biker, about the DJ and even about the fucking male stripper. I know it all.”
Janet’s face contorted. “About the elf?” She looked over at Helen. “You had sex with an elf?”
“What the fuck!” Helen said, exasperated. “Is that all anyone ever hears?”
Janet laughed. “Well, you have to admit that’s pretty fucked up.”
Brad said, “What kind of elf, like a Tolkien elf?”
“It was a Santa elf,” I said.
Janet had a huge grin on her face. “Did he have snowballs?”
Even I began chuckling. Helen was the only one not laughing.
“Not fucking funny,” she said.
“Anyway, Janet,” I said, “Do you think Helen loves me? Be honest.”
Janet’s face became serious. She wiped her tears with her hands and shook her head. “No, but I don’t know. She says she loves you, Harry.” Janet shrugged. “Maybe she does, but Helen has always been a cheater.”
“Hey!” Helen said, “I’m right here, Janet. What the fuck?”
“Well, it’s true. You said be honest.”
“I didn’t cheat on Harry the whole time we dated. I didn’t. Tell him.”
“That is true,” Janet said. “She used to brag about that. You were the only guy she didn’t cheat on… until you got married.” Janet shrugged. “For what that’s worth.”
“It doesn’t matter,” I said. “My point is that you don’t even know if my wife truly loves me or not, yet you suspect she loves Brad? Isn’t that a bit far fetched?”
Janet’s shoulders sagged and she huffed a breath out her nose. “I suppose so. I probably overreacted. I’m sorry, Helen. I didn’t mean to hit you. I love you.”
Helen stood up and the women hugged, both tearful, but smiling.
Brad and I exchanged looks as they hugged. He rolled his eyes and silently mouthed the words, “I AM SO FUCKED!”
“Lastly, Janet,” I said, “I have one more question for you.”
“What, Harry?”
“Are you in love with me?”
She chuckled, “Fuck no.”
“But you get wet just looking at me.”
“That doesn’t mean I love you. I just think you’re hot.”
“How do you think that made Brad feel when you admitted that?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. Insecure?”
“Like you felt insecure when he admitted fantasizing about Helen when you have sex?”
She frowned. “He said every fucking time we have sex.”
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