Nice Girls Don't Get Laid

I read somewhere that some people think that girls aren’t loyal or that they are particularly tricky and dishonest when it comes to friendships, especially friendships with the opposite sex. I don’t know who those people were talking about but they sure as hell weren’t talking about me. A while ago, I was alone. In fact, I cannot recall a time when I wasn’t alone but recently something changed. My days of loneliness ended. And I found something special.

My name is Alice Joseph and I’ve got a story to tell you. It’s a somewhat sexual one with a lot of kink. If you’re vanilla, do yourself a favor and exit. If you’re open-minded, stick around. I was getting ready to go meet my friend Ronald at his crib so we could go to this club. I like clubbing. I love having fun, what can I say? I checked myself out before leaving my dorm. I’m around six-one, a bit thick, with caramel skin and long hair which I braid in cornrows. I’m half Haitian and half Puerto Rican. Wherever I go, I seem to be the big and tall black girl. That’s okay. I am proud of myself and my origins. I speak both Spanish and Haitian Creole and I am fond of both cultures. I attend Emerson College in Boston and I love playing volleyball. That’s how I got myself a scholarship. Inspection over, I went out to face the night.

I had barely opened my door when, there he was. My friend Ronald! Ronald is very different from me. He’s white, for one thing. He’s also very tall and slender, around six feet four inches, with long blond hair and pale blue eyes. He’s my buddy and you wouldn’t believe it to look at us but we’re best friends. I have known Ronald since my days in Randolph high school. He was my home boy. He had my back. The only male I could trust. Actually, the only person I could trust, period. I looked at him. The guy looked good, wearing a black shirt and black velvet pants. He also wore a stylish black fedora. Yes, he looked good but one look at his face told me that something was wrong. For starters, Ronald’s eyes were red.

I pulled him inside and asked him what was up. Ronald started sobbing and sniffing. I hated when he did that. Even though he’s a tough guy on the court, he can be a real bird off it. We’ve been friends forever and he’s one of the best athletes I know. He was the MVP of the men’s basketball team back in high school and he was also captain of the men’s volleyball team. I played on the men’s volleyball team because the school didn’t have a girl’s team. It was cool. I got along better with guys anyway. It was a lot of fun. That’s where Ronald and I met and bonded.

I sat him down on my couch and offered him some Pepsi. Then, I asked him what was up. He told me. For the past eight months, Ronald had been going out with this chick named Lydia. I didn’t like Lydia one bit, I thought she was a conniving slut but Ronald didn’t listen to me. He worshiped the ground she walked on. Basically, the story went something like this. Lydia had found some guy with more money to spend on her and buy her things so she had dumped Ronald, the young college athlete for the rich stud. I saw it coming. That’s what gold-diggers did. But Ronald didn’t and he was taking it hard. I sat there, holding his hand while he spoke. I took a sniff of his breath and realized that he had been drinking. I hated it when he did that. But I didn’t feel like giving him a sermon and he sure as hell didn’t look like he needed one. What he needed right now was a friend.

I sighed because my plans of going clubbing tonight were over. I never went clubbing without my best friend and he was incapacitated at the moment. He was not going anywhere. I listened to him as he went on about Lydia and her betrayal. He was alternately sad and angry. I felt bad for him but also kind of mad at him for not seeing through the bitch and letting her screw him over. Lydia was not even a college student. She was not even working. She was a stank ho who hooked up with guys constantly and got by on her looks alone. She’s a Latin chick with an okay face, a good body, big tits and a big ass. Needless to say, she was real popular with the guys. I hated the bitch.

I turned on the TV when Ronald finally fell asleep on my couch. They were giving Hercules on Sci-Fi. I loved that show. Watching a hunk in leather pants fight against demons and evil forces. Yummy! When the commercials came on, I sighed and went to grab something to eat. I grabbed some chips. Ronald was still sleeping next to me. I smiled when I looked at him. He’s cute. Now, wait a minute. I know what you’re thinking. I don’t have a crush on him or anything. He’s my best buddy and that’s all we are. Good friends. We’re both college students and longtime pals. He’s a cute guy whose horniness leads him to hook up with tramps and I am a chick who doesn’t get any play because, well, there’s so many reasons.

Some people would say that my lack of a boyfriend is due to the fact that I’m a tomboy and I hate dresses and I don’t wear makeup. I don’t do these things. It’s just not who I am. Know what I was wearing to the club? A black tank top and black velvet pants. Underneath them, I’m wearing men’s boxers. Yeah, that’s just who I am. Oh, and for those of you who think that all tomboys are lesbians, I’ve got a surprise for you. I don’t have anything against gay people whatsoever but I am one hundred percent heterosexual. Sorry for any doubts or misunderstandings. Thank you very much.

I was still musing over my life when something startled me. Ronald moved in his sleep. He was so cute, I found myself noticing again. It’s too bad that he only goes for sluts. Hey, I can’t blame the guy, right? Most of the chicks I knew fell into three categories : gossipers, betrayers and weirdoes. Maybe that’s why I don’t have any female friends anymore. I don’t relate well to other women. Maybe it’s because I was the only girl in a house full of men. I have a mechanic father and three older brothers. I’m the youngest and my mother died when I was little. I don’t remember her. Maybe that’s why I am the way I am. Guys never go for a nice girl. They only prefer bitches. That’s where all their issues come from.

I knew what was going to happen with Ronald. He had been in a relationship with an evil bitch. He’d been hurt and he would grow more bitter and cynical in the future. He would probably never trust females again. He would assume that all women were like her. In fact, he might even believe it. The same thing happens when a chick goes out with a guy who is a bastard. She would grow more cynical and more distrusting of men. She might even hate them. Heartbreak causes a lot of people to develop a distrust and even hatred of the opposite sex. Maybe it’s a good thing that I haven’t had any romantic relationships.

When I think of relationships, sometimes I get lonely. I walk down the street and see a guy and a girl holding hands and smiling. Sometimes I get envious. I wish I were that girl, I wish I had a cute and nice guy who cared about me. Heck, sometimes I see guys holding hands with guys and females holding hands with other females. There’s a special smile that lovebirds of any gender or sexual orientation get when they’re with their loved one. I’ve seen that smile on the faces of many men and women. I dream about that smile sometimes. But it’s always on the face of others and they’re never smiling at me.

I turn off the television and look at Ronald. He was lying at an odd angle. Gently, I pulled his legs and arms so that he lay there evenly, then I went to my room and grabbed a blanket. I draped it over him. I gave him a quick kiss goodnight, which he didn’t know since he was in deep slumber, then I left.

I went to my bedroom and undressed. For the tenth time tonight, I thought about how cute my best friend and fellow athlete was. There had been times when I had wondered what it would be like to have a relationship with him. What would it be like? I was not like any other girl I knew. Would he be able to handle it? I didn’t wear makeup. I hated dresses. I never wore high heels since I thought they were torture devices. Yes, I’m a weird girl. Females reading this are probably shaking their heads. That’s okay. That’s just how I am.

I thought about all the times Ronald and I spent hanging out together. We didn’t always get along but I cared for him and I knew he cared for me. He always had my back and vice versa. We could count on each other when something was about to go down. I remember that time at a party when some drunk female tried to hit him because he didn’t want to dance with her. Ronald looked like he didn’t know what to do, then he looked for an exit. The chick was blocking the door. Ronald’s a nice guy and would probably try to restrain the drunk bitch even though she would be trying to claw his face. I didn’t have any such restraint when dealing with aggressive drunks. I grabbed her and shoved her into a corner, and told her to leave him alone if she wanted to keep her teeth. She sobered up quickly enough when she saw my fist ready to smash her. She backed away. Yes, I had saved the day. Ronald thanked me later.

Yes, Ronald and I did have some good times together. But we were just friends and that’s what we’re going to stay. I care for him deeply and I think he’s sexy as hell. Maybe if things were different, we could add a non-platonic dimension to our relationship. Unfortunately, I didn’t see this happening. Maybe it’s better this way. Men and women always look happy when they’re dating or whatever but when the shit hits the fan, they break up and hate each other. I’ve seen couples who hated each other so much I wondered how in hell they ever got together in the first place. Was I willing to risk my longtime friendship with Ronald by allowing things to become non-platonic between us? I hesitated. He was so cute and I liked him so much and yes, my heart ached whenever he mentioned other women. Yes, I did feel some jealousy when he was with Lydia. But I don’t want our friendship to end. He’s not just the only male friend I’ve got. He’s the only friend I’ve got. I don’t get along with anyone else. No one else can understand me or accept me just as I am. I don’t want to risk losing that.