At first, she was a bit hesitant to tell Sue about her lack of orgasms, but finally felt relieved that she at least had somebody to chat with about her challenge. “Isn’t there a Viagra for women available, or do hormones help?” she asked Sue.
“First of all. You are not the only one with these kinds of challenges. There are many clients with similar issues. This can happen to men and women. The good news is, that it often proves to be a period that comes and goes. Something blocks your mind, so you don’t get an orgasm. You start to worry, so the probability for an orgasm becomes even rarer, so you worry more. Once the block is removed and you relax the orgasms will come back.”
“Hormones could be a last resort, but they do not come without side effects,” Sue continued. “First, I would try something without the risk of unwanted side effects.”
“With clients I have used artificial intelligence to analyse their sex life and the program then develops recommendations on what can be done. The first experience is positive with many clients. Would you like to try it. The biggest risk is no improvement?”
“I would do everything to get our sex life back,” Pia replied.
Sue explained. “The App is called ‘Spice Sex’. The program will ask you about your sex life, but the majority of the questions will be about general behavioural aspects. It is cloud based, so – beside you – no human will read your answers and I get the results only if you pass them to me.
“Later questions depend on the answers to the first ones. My recommendation is, keep the answers short. The quality of the report is better, if the system gets to the real issues by a series of questions, rather than one lengthy answer. Also, consistency within the answers determines how many questions the system needs to ask. Normally you need 30 – 40 min for the mix of multiple choice and free text answers. You can find the app in the app store.
It would help, if ‘Sex Spice’ can access your health data. If you are ok with that, please sign this form.” On her way-out Sue gave Pia a big hug. “Don’t worry too much. It is not uncommon and many times only a periodical challenge,” Sue reminded Pia again on her way out.
At first Pia was a bit disappointed. As a patient she had hoped that a simple pill could solve the problem. However, she was prepared to give it a shot. She would be alone tonight, because Greg was travelling for business.
When Pia got home, she opened a bottle of red wine, poured herself a glass and sat down with her laptop, opening the program. Sue was right, only the first questions aimed at her sex life, but soon moved on to behavioural attitudes. When the system thanked her and announced that the analysis had come to an end and a set of recommendations would soon be sent to her mail address, she was really curious about what the system would recommend her.
When the inbox announced you’ve got mail from ‘Spice Sex’, she couldn’t wait to open the inbox.
—
Dear Pia
First of all, we would like to thank you for the trust in our product ‘Spice Sex’. You made a great effort to answer all the questions and the consistency score is high, which means that there were little mismatches amongst your answers. The pattern of the answers indicates that you provided ‘Spice Sex’ with honest answers. Both factors will increase the quality of our recommendations and we hope that they are helpful to you.
The health report of your doctors and the description of your lifestyle indicate no physical reason for the lack of sex drive. It is quite common, that psychological reasons have led to a lack of orgasms during sex, for woman your age.
You explained that your parents did not shown any intimacy in front of their kids and told you that sex is ‘bad’ because they were afraid, that you might get pregnant. So, you suspect that this has impacted your attitude about sex until today.
On the other hand, you and your husband like intimacy beyond sex and seek physical contact on a regular base. You also describe that you deliberately tried to be different with your son.
We suspect that somewhere deep down, you are still scared when Greg and you have sex, rather than letting yourself relax and enjoy it. However, we believe this might be something to keep in mind, but does not explain everything. Surely you can change your attitude and more likely achieve your objective of having more orgasms, while having sex with Greg.
Looking at your behavioural trades you are a ‘Structured Achiever’. If you set yourself a goal you are very dedicated and focused. If you do not achieve it, you are prepared to try harder until you get it. Keeping in sexy shape is a good example, as you control food intake, exercise level and pay a lot of attention to your weight. If you gain weight, you simply exercise more or eat less. Being active gives you a feeling of being in control of your life.
When it comes to having an orgasm, trying harder will not help any more. So, you should consider doing something different. Most of the time you invite Greg to do something to you, i.e., to make passionate love to you. However, your natural role would be the active person in the bedroom.
You are very focused on Greg’s needs, trying to cater to his sex appetite. You are very generous and being so generous is a great gift. It is great way to show your love to him and Greg surely is a happy man.
It could be helpful, to be a bit more egoistic in the bedroom and Greg will be surely be happy to cater for your needs, as much as you do for his. Being more active allows you to do more what arouses you, rather than him. Most probably whatever turns you on, will be fun for him also. Of course, telling Greg what turns you on is an option. ‘Just taking him’ is an alternative.
The more challenging part for you is to allow the orgasm ‘to come to you’ rather than trying to force it. You will have to learn to relax while having sex with Greg. Be passive and learn to enjoy what he does to you will help, if you decide to take the passive role. This is where your childhood experience might be the block, as deep-down sex might be ‘bad’ and something to feel guilty about. Relaxing during sex is a challenge for you, as you are afraid that your ‘parents may enter the bedroom any moment’.
Being blindfolded can help to let go and experimenting with mild bondage might help you to give yourself up to Greg.
In summary, we support you in trying to get your satisfaction back. It is OK and by no means egoistic to focus on your needs. You have a right to have an orgasm and enjoy sex. Being more active is one way to get more what’s good for you. When you take the passive role, learn to enjoy what happens. Receive the gift of attention with an open heart. Being taken care of, can be a very nice and rewarding feeling. Greg and you do nothing that you should feel guilty about.
We hope that the advice was helpful. Feedback at a later stage would be very much appreciated on our website.
—-
Pia read the letter several times. She understood the logic, but had no idea how Greg would react, if she told him about her challenge and show him the letter. Finally, she concluded that as a ‘Structured Achiever’ she should do something. Not trying anything would feel like failure.
So, Pia texted Greg the following message: “Dear Greg – Need to find time to talk to you tomorrow. Please be home at 19.00. I will prepare dinner, so we can talk.”
Greg is used to Pia starting a conversation with: “I have been thinking…”
Usually then she would address something she would like to change. Sometimes he felt a bit pushed, but the outcome usually was positive in the sense that they had reset and improved the partnership in some aspect. He also got used to the fact that she was more active in developing their partnership, himself being more the person seeking peace and comfort in their life.
He arrived home in time, wondering what the topic could be this time. She waited for him in a sexy dress. “Hello my head-turner, what a sight.” Greg took her hand and turned her in a circle enjoying looking all the time: “I really don’t know which angle I like best. Maybe I should place you in front of a mirror all day, to enjoy all sides of you at the same time.”
Pia liked it when Greg was flirty. So, she assumed that he was relaxed and in a good mood for what she wanted to discuss with him.
She had lit candles and they enjoyed the dinner she had prepared, talking about her day, when Pia felt she needed to get to the point. “Greg. I have been to see Sue today.”
“How was the health check?” Greg asked – thinking that his own was due again also.
“Sue was happy with all physical parameters. However, we discussed a topic that has been on my mind for a while and where I can’t find a solution. It is difficult to discuss, because I don’t want to hurt you…”
“I guess after you said A you need to say B now.” Greg felt it was best to be silent now until she would mention what concerned her.
“Hm, I don’t know how to start. Maybe I should get to the point quick,” Sue continued.
“I don’t have an orgasm any more when we have sex. I still like to feel, see and touch you, or being touched by you. But I do not want to pretend any longer that everything is OK, and fake orgasms just to keep you happy.”
Greg took Sues hand, led her to the sofa and poured them each a glass of wine. “I am glad you told me, because I had a feeling about that, but didn’t know how to start the discussion.”
“I was hoping Sue would have something like Viagra for women, but it seems to be more complicated”. Then Pia told Greg about “Spice Sex” and handed him the report.
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