I let my parents know of my plans two days before I was set to leave. My aunt had already payed for the ticket, as I said she had no kids and no husband and was always looking for a way to spend her money. I told my parents over dinner. My mother was rather shocked at the revelation until I explained to her that Aunt Peggy had called me a couple days ago begging me to come over because she just couldn’t handle being alone anymore.
I hadn’t wanted to miss Christmas with my family so of course I refused at first, but seeing her so distraught changed my mind and I decided to visit. My mother accepted the lie as truth and moved on but from a small glance at my father I could see the storm brewing behind his eyes. We hadn’t been together in nearly two weeks, not since he had said my mother’s name. It was the longest we had gone without a tryst in recent memory. I knew he must be hurting and a part of me hoped he was hurting physically as much as I was hurting emotionally.
I just knew he would come to me that night so I put on a pair of button up sleep pants and a long sleeved shirt. I wasn’t going to give into his advances. If nothing else I was going to make it harder for him to get to my sex.
Right on cue my father cracked open my door, it was 11:45pm. My mother typically went to sleep at 11:30 and as always he had waited fifteen minutes to make sure she was sound asleep before coming to me. Every action he took in our relationship was to make sure my mother wasn’t disturbed. Our silent fucking was evident enough. I had to stifle my screams so I didn’t wake her. I got sloppy seconds after her. Everything he did was for her.
I couldn’t bear to face him, aware that the minute I saw the hurt in his eyes my resolve would crumble to bits. My decision had been made and I didn’t want him to convince me otherwise. That was the only reason he had come tonight. He knew that he was the only person who could convince me to stay. He fully knew the powers he held over me and he intended to use them.
“Honey, could you at least look at me?” His voice was gentle, comforting, and beautiful. I could feel it begin to eat away at my facade.
He was standing behind me, so close that I felt his body heat against my back. I sat on my bed facing the wall opposite the door, my feet criss-crossed and my hands stiffly at my sides. I refused to look at him and as such he walked around, taking a seat next to me. Although I didn’t want to see his face a force compelled me to look.
I turned towards him, seeing the concern hidden in his eyes. His body was tightly coiled, from stress or anger I couldn’t completely tell. Glancing down I could see that he was also hard. The sight of his erection through his shorts nearly did me in. Obviously he wanted me, but then again he hadn’t fucked my mother tonight. Maybe he was just hard because she didn’t give it to him.
“Don’t do this Steph,” his voice snapped my eyes up to his. He tenderly stroked my cheek, our gaze holding. “If you’re trying to prove something it won’t work. I love you and I promise I’m not going anywhere.” It was ridiculous how well he knew me. He hadn’t even considered that with me gone we wouldn’t be together for a whole month. His main priority was helping me and seeing to it that I was not in distress.
I broke our gaze. “I have to Dad. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep being your sex toy.” My voice broke over those last two words. As much as I wanted to call it something different, to call me his lover, his soulmate, his sweetheart, I knew I couldn’t. When everything was said and done I was his sex toy. I did what he wanted when he wanted. When it came to him I had no backbone and no resolve. I was his toy to do with as he pleased.
“Baby you are everything but.” He leaned over and rested his forehead against mine. My hands reached forward and I brushed my fingers through his hair. This hurt way more than I thought it would.
“Stephanie you are my life. You are my daughter, my lover, my soul, my breath. I cannot be without you. I don’t want to be without you.” With every word his voice drove deeper into my heart. “These past two weeks have been horrible, the worst of my life. I think of you every moment, every night. It’s not just my body but my mind that yearns for you.
I want to hear your stories about how your day was or what you’re feeling. I want to wake up beside you. I want to be with you forever. I want to fill you with my seed and watch your belly grow round with my child.” I gasped at that last thought. It was something we never discussed but still an issue I had always felt strongly about. I wanted to bear his children. I knew I couldn’t, heck I was his child myself, but still I longed to have his seed grow within me. The thought that he wanted it too brought tears to my eyes.
“I want to love you every moment of every day. You are my everything. Don’t leave, please don’t leave.” It took every ounce of willpower I had not wrap him in my kisses right then and there. When I was thirteen he had come to me just like this, telling me that he loved me so much it was messing with his mind. He told me that his love was so intense it was affecting him physically, my young eyes drifting to his boner at that revelation. That night long ago he had whispered in my ear that he needed me. He longed for me like he had never longed for anyone before.
Sitting here, his forehead against mine and my hands entangled within his hair, memories of those nights flashing in my mind, I pushed away. I would always love him, and who knows, maybe he did love me as he said. But the real reason he was whispering these words instead of proclaiming them with unbridled enthusiasm was because his other lover was sleeping in the room down the hall. Whether or not he knew it every word he had said was a lie. It was a lie because he knew what he had to do to make his dreams a reality and still he didn’t do it. Divorce was all it took, but never once had that thought crossed his mind.
“I can’t Dad.” I whispered, averting my gaze, knowing just what my denial would do to him. I had never walked away after his heartfelt declarations of love. His love was what I craved, and he knew that if his words of affection weren’t enough to bring me to him then our relationship was truly at its breaking point.
“I’m going to Florida. I’m going to think about us and find a solution. I’m going to become a better daughter to Mom and try to find my role as a daughter to you.” My words lingered in the air, stinging and harsh but true nonetheless.
“No baby,” he was pulling me close into his grasp, his strong hands wrapping around my torso and tugging me towards him. I could feel the heat emanating from his body, feel the tension in his neck. His chest was rock solid and sitting here with him reminded me of all those nights we had spent together. Heat filled my body just as it did his and although I didn’t want to I soon found myself becoming aroused. On my bed and wrapped in his arms my insides clenched, an instinct I had developed over these long years.
“I’m not letting you go.” Desperation filled his voice as he placed kisses down my neck, sloppy kisses that set my blood on fire. “I’ll show you what you’ll miss baby. I’ll give it to you like I never did before.” With his words a small part of me jumped at the thought. I wanted him to be with me, in me, but I also knew that it was wrong. I couldn’t succumb so easily to his ministrations again. I needed willpower.
Gently he pushed me against the mattress, his tongue continuing to nibble along my neck. His leg gently nudged its way between my own, opening me up and rubbing me up and down. My pants may still have been on but the heat I felt growing between my loins was as powerful as ever. His hands were moving, one moved under my shirt, bunching up the fabric so he could attack my breast.
He squeezed, lovingly and with so much care. My eyes had closed by then, the feelings overwhelming my senses. His lips found mine, trapping me in a kiss loaded with emotions. My gasp was lost into his mouth as I felt his probing tongue swirl around my own. He began to tug at the strings of my pants, removing the first button and working down to pull them off. He was trying to get me naked, distracting me with kisses so he could get to the real prize. My stomach churned at the thought.
Using willpower I never knew I possessed I pushed, shoving him and scooting back further on the bed. He staggered back, shocked at my outburst and more than a little hurt over my choice. I looked over him. His hair was beautifully messy, his lips swollen from our kisses, and his erection straining against the fabric of his shorts. He was the vision of perfection. A vision a daughter was never meant to see.
“Stop dad,” my voice broke, he had begun to reach for me again and I feared anymore of his kisses would destroy my restraint. “Please just stop.” My eyes met his and I hoped he saw the grief written across my face. I was helpless to stop this downward spiral we were in, ultimately it would be up to him. Would he respect my wishes or take from me more?
“I’ll never stop Steph,” he leaned forward then and my pulse quickened, excitement and disappoint making me short of breath. “I’ll keep loving you. I’ll always love you. But I won’t force myself on you.” He took my face between his hands, his touch warm. “I will never force you to do anything you don’t want to do. I want you to stay. I can’t imagine a month away from you. If you go I’ll call everyday and think of you every night. You have to choose baby. I’m giving you the power.”
His words were reassuring, strengthening in a way. Placing my hand over his, the one that was still cupping my face, I whispered the words my heart was too scared to say.
“Just go.”
He left, taking my heart with him and leaving me still wet with desire.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To say that the month I spent in Florida was heavenly would be an understatement. I hit the surf at least once a day, got a small part-time gig making fruit smoothies on the beach. My body developed a gorgeous shimmering tan and my mind felt as free as ever. I hadn’t realized it but five years living in my dad’s house, doing the things I did, had really restrained me. My social life had been impaired as I constantly felt the need to hide my emotions, concerned that any outburst would reveal the dark secret I carried.
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