“I wanted to talk to you ’bout somethin’.”
“Sure.”
“I knowed you what, ’bout a year?”
“About that,” he replied.
“You never onest mentioned family.”
“No idea where my father is, or if he’s even alive. I assume my mother is still in Texas. I haven’t spoken to her in about six years. No other family.”
“Daddy a drinkin’ man?”
“Yeah.”
“Momma too?”
“No. She drank socially but not a lot.”
“She a bad woman?”
“No, Shirley. She’s a good woman.”
“So why ain’t you talkin’ to her?”
“Long story.”
“Keisha, I think it’s time for you to feed them babies in your room.” Keisha jumped up and ran excitedly into the house. “That’ll keep her busy ’bout half an hour. Tell me this long story.”
“I’d rather just leave it in the past.”
“Mr. Gene, you a good man. Somethin’ eatin’ away at you. I can see it. Talkin’ ’bout it can pull it’s teeth right out. Don’t make it stop bitin’ but makes it stop eatin’.”
“I did something six years ago that was wrong. I hurt her in a way no man should ever hurt a woman, least of all their mother.”
“Go on,” she said. “I’m here to listen. I ain’t judgin’. That’s the good lord’s job.”
He told her the whole story and cried as he related parts of it. She listened to every word. When he finished, she patted his hand.
“When your mamma looked at you after, what’d she look like?”
“She had tears in her eyes.”
“Did she have a soft smile on her face?”
“Yeah. She put her hand on my arm and said she was going to go shower.”
“She weren’t mad, were she?”
“I don’t think so. I don’t know what she was feeling.”
“Then what did you do?”
“While she was in the shower, I packed my bags and left.”
“Didn’t go back?”
“No. I raped my mother, Shirley. I had no right to go back.”
“You right. You done give up that right. But you still got the responsibility. Time you man up, son. You need ta go back and tell her you sorry.”
“How could she ever forgive me for something like that?”
“She’s your mamma. It weren’t all your fault. She carry some blame in it too. She know that and probly been waitin’ to tell you she’s sorry too. Mammas don’t just birth the babies. They love ’em and care for ’em. That don’t ever go away. I ‘spect she been hurtin’ much as you. She needs her son and you need her. Take some time off. Go see her. Tell her you sorry and let her tell you what she need to say.”
“Shirley, do you really think it’ll be that easy?”
“Ain’t gonna be nuthin’ easy ’bout it. Probly the second hardest thing you’ll ever do.”
“What’s the hardest?”
“Forgivin’ yourself. Think about it. Me and Keisha will take care of your house while you gone.”
“How’d you get so smart, Shirley?”
“I listen to what people say and feel what’s in they heart. Listen to what in your heart and follow it. When your mamma talk to you, listen to her words, but mostly listen to her heart.”
She stood, signaling the end of the conversation. Gene hugged her.
“Thanks, Shirley.”
“You welcome.”
*****
Gene made arrangements with work to take two weeks off. He missed his mother but was terrified at the thought of facing her. He did a google search for her and was surprised that she still lived at the same address. He had assumed that she would have moved into a smaller place with less maintenance. Gene thought it over and decided the best time to show up was on a Sunday. If she still did her Friday nights, he wanted no part of Saturdays. He considered calling first but ruled that out. He needed to face her and felt that turning him away would be harder for her in person than on the phone.
Gene left early Saturday morning to begin the fourteen-hour drive back to Texas. He got a room just a few miles away for the night then had dinner. Before returning to the hotel, he decided to drive by her house. It hadn’t changed much. The flower beds that he used to tend were now void of anything but weeds. He didn’t recognize the lone car in the driveway and assumed she had traded the old one in. He sat in his car watching for about ten minutes before leaving. It was a long sleepless night.
He left the hotel at ten-thirty then parked on the street in front of the house. His heart pounded as he rang the doorbell. He noticed the curtain move slightly and a moment later the door opened.
“Your name is Dar,” the short little curly blonde boy said smiling.
“Yes, it is. What’s your name?”
“JacobiJamesMcDonald,” he replied as if it was a single word. “You can call me JJ. I’m five. Mommy’s taking a bath. You want to come in?”
“I’ll bet your mom told you not to let strangers in.”
“You’re not a stranger. You’re Dar. Mommy has lots of pictures of you. Mommy won’t care if you come in.”
“I think I should probably wait out here.”
“We have banilla Oreo’s and chocolate milk,” JJ said, taking Dar’s hand and pulling him in.
He led him to the kitchen and had Dar sit at the table. Moving a stool to the counter, JJ climbed up and got three glasses. He moved the stool again and got into the cookie jar, gathering six Oreo’s. He put the stool away and opened the refrigerator and removed the half gallon of chocolate milk. Making two trips, JJ brought everything to the table. He climbed up on a chair at the table then placed a napkin in front of Dar, one in front of himself, and one at the head of the table. JJ placed two cookies on each napkin then looked at Dar.
“You have to pour the chocolate milk. I spill it.”
Dar grinned, then poured the milk into each cup. Moving each very carefully, JJ set the cups next to the napkins.
“Nice job. You’re really good at this.”
“I’m mom’s best helper,” he replied, beaming.
“JJ, was someone at the d….” Cathy froze stepping into the dining area seeing Dar.
She immediately teared. Dar stood.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“So am I,” she replied, then turned to JJ. “Cookies and chocolate milk before lunch?”
“He didn’t get any birthday cake. We need to have a party today,” he replied.
“Good idea,” she said, taking her seat.
“Mom, I have a brother?” Dar asked.
“He isn’t your brother. Call me Cathy,” she replied, nervously.
“Sorry, I’ll just leave,” Dar said, beginning to stand.
Her response had seemed almost angry, and Dar wanted to just get away.
“No! Stay, please. JJ run and get mommy’s brush in my bathroom.”
The little guy bolted from the room. Cathy looked at Dar. “He’s not your brother. He’s our son. He doesn’t know. I want you to call me Cathy because him calling you daddy and me mommy, then both of you calling me mom would be a bit awkward.”
“Yeah, I guess it would.”
“We’ve got a lot to discuss, but we’ll do that later.”
JJ came running back in. “Mom, we gotta sing happy birthday.”
“Climb up in your seat and we will.”
As he got back in his chair, he was talking a mile a minute. Dar grinned at his mom.
“You were the same way,” she said.
“Dar, we had cake for you and twenty-four candles,” JJ blurted.
“Twenty-four? Did you count them?”
“I counted two times. Mommy let me blow ’em out. We made a wish too.”
“What did you wish for?” Dar asked.
JJ seemed to light up. “Mom! It came true! Dar came home. It’s what we wished for!”
“He sure did, didn’t he,” she replied, smiling at them both. “Thank you for the wonderful party, but I need to finish getting dressed.”
“Mom! We didn’t sing yet.”
“Well let’s sing. Everyone hold hands,” she said.
They all joined hands as Cathy and JJ sang to him.
“Thank you,” he said, when the song finished.
Cathy squeezed Dar’s hand as she stood. “You two get acquainted while I get ready. JJ, after I’m dressed let’s take Dar to the park.”
“Yessss!!!” he screamed.
“When you finish here, clean up the table, then you can show him your toys.”
“Okay. I’ve got lots of toys. You’ll like ’em.”
“I’m sure I will.”
Cathy turned and left the room. The guys finished their cookies and milk, then working together cleared off the table. JJ ran to his room with Dar not far behind.
Dar expected him to have taken over his old room, but that wasn’t the case. JJ had the guest room which was fully decorated with his treasures.
“Looky. Mommy let me put your Ninja turtles on my shelf, but I’m not allowed to play with them.”
“Why can’t you play with them?”
“They’re yours and mommy’s afraid I’ll break ’em.”
“I’ll tell you what. Let’s make them yours now.”
“Really?”
“Really really.”
JJ squealed in delight. “Mommy says really really like you do.”
Dar sat on the floor as JJ tried to show him everything he owned. It probably would have taken hours. Dar was in awe of the five-year-old in front of him. Cathy stood in the doorway, unnoticed for several minutes, watching them.
“Are you gentlemen ready to go to the park?”
“My shoes!” JJ said. He grabbed his light up sneakers and handed them to Dar. “You have to tie.”
“No problem.”
Once tied they went to the front door.
“Cathy, I’ll bet those shoes are really fast.”
“He only wears the fastest ones. He’ll show you when we get to the park.”
“They’re the highest jumpers too,” JJ announced proudly.
The park was only a few blocks away. They walked with JJ in the middle and his parents holding his hands. Dar couldn’t have gotten the smile off his face if he had tried. Cathy was the same way.
Once at the park, JJ was immediately distracted by the other kids. Cathy and Dar sat together on a park bench.
“Mo…Cathy,” Dar began.
“Honey, wait. I need to talk first, please,” she said.
Dar nodded and they turned facing each other.
“I caused what happened that d…,” she began.
“Cathy…”
“Dar let me finish. Then you can talk. Please. I need to say this.”
“Okay.”
“I wanted that to happen. I’d wanted it for a long time. I pushed you that day to do it. My feelings toward you had changed a few years earlier. That’s why I pulled away from you, away from us. I couldn’t get myself to cross the line from mother to lover. I was convinced that what I was feeling was wrong. My upbringing and the law told me it was wrong. My Friday stupidity was trying to fill an emptiness that I knew only you could fill. I was afraid that just by being near you I would one day lose control and cross the line. I didn’t want to hurt you by making you think I was some horrible monster. That Friday night I pushed you to take me. I couldn’t do it, so I pushed you to. Looking back, my mistake was going to take that shower before we talked. Had I not done that I wouldn’t have lost you for the last six years. I don’t know how you felt about what happened until I realized that you felt like you raped me. You didn’t. That’s what I wanted and needed. I was on top of the world during my shower. Then the world crashed down on me. I’d lost you.
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