“Josh, it’s fine. Honest. But if you are sleeping with anyone else, we need to use condoms and I expect you to use condoms with them.” She rolled to face me. “And if you’re serious about them, this has to stop?” She rested a hand on my cheek. “Understand?”
I nodded. “Maggie and I didn’t have sex.”
“Honey, I almost wish you had. She’s a lovely girl. I always hoped you’d ask her out.”
“I don’t want this to end. Us.” I whispered.
“Honey, you know it will. It has to. You know that. I know that. It’s okay. But we need to do it honestly and in a way that no one is hurt. Not me. Not you. Not Maggie or whoever.” She kissed me quickly. “I need to get to sleep. Hang out with your friends tomorrow as long as you want. When you get home, I’ll give you your graduation present.”
“Mom…”
She cut me off with a finger over my lips. “Hush, go to sleep. Big day tomorrow.”
I did sleep but woke with muddled memories of confused dreams. Mom was already gone. I had not heard her get out of bed or get dressed.
I tried to work up some enthusiasm for graduation but failed. Had I fucked up? How much could I love mom if I was letting Maggie cum by rubbing herself against my hardon?
So many years ago, and still I alternate between being horrified at my actions with Maggie and trying to rationalize them. Both my shame and rationalizations invariably give way to a much more painful emotion, fear.
Did I kill mom?
When I lied to reassure her, pretending I did not want what we had to last, did that lie cause her cancer? Did God, who I do not even believe in, throw my lie back in my face? Ensuring what we had would be all too impermanent? Was I being punished? Were we being punished?
It is not rational but I feel it is safe to say, no one has ever claimed there was anything rational about love.
I showered, shaved, forced myself to eat a bowl of cereal, dressed, grab the cheap black nylon gown and mortarboard and waited outside for Jeff to pick me up.
†
“Bro, you so owe me. You better have gotten laid last night?”
I did my best to glower at Jeff. He really could be tiresome at times. The only verbal reply I offered was a grunt.
“It took three of us to get Suze into my car. I thought her dad was going to murder me before I could explain I was only giving her a ride home because Maggie couldn’t deal with her drunk ass. When I left her parents were arguing over whether they needed to take her to the hospital to get her stomach pump. Oh, and better still, Suze’s dad said he was calling the cops on Roger. Fuckin’ shit hit the fan, bro.”
“Suze owes you dude, not me. She wasn’t my date.”
“Fuck that, Josh. You bailed so you could try to get into Maggie’s pants.” He turned to me. “How was she? She’s not as hot as Suze but still better you deserve, ya bitch.”
“We watched Bird Box and had a beer apiece. When mom got home, Maggie left. I did not get in her pants, as you so elegantly put it.”
No, the nagging voice in my head added. But you wanted to.
“Bro, are you gay? You know you can tell me, right? I’m cool if you are.”
“No, Jeff. I am not gay. I just don’t think of women solely in terms of fucking them.”
“Oh, really?” Jeff mocked in a sing-song voice. “Aren’t you the sensitive, non-patriarchal, woke, motherfucker.” He shook his head. “I think you’re gay. Gay and deeply repressed but I still love ya.” He threw me a sidelong glance. “In a totally hetero way. Don’t get any ideas.”
Thank God, Jeff’s last name was Nelson. Once we were lined up, I was spared any further interrogation. On the other hand, not having Jeff peppering me with questions, asides, and innuendos freed my mind up to obsess over mom, Maggie and my life in general.
As expected, the auditorium was too hot. Our lack of any famous alumni saved us from anything more than the valedictorian’s speech. No one remember a word of what she said by the time she sat back down.
Since my last name started with a B, I crossed the stage fairly early. Even so, I was in a heat-induced fog when I received my diploma. I waved at mom as I returned to my seat. She had taken a seat with the rest of the sweaty crowd. By the time Mack Zimmer crossed the stage and returned to his seat I was soaked and feeling lightheaded.
Jeff, of course, came bounding over as soon as the ceremony ended. His hair was damp and beneath the unzippered robe he was as sweaty as I was. I unzipped my robe and used it to fan myself. Jeff’s parents joined us, followed by mom and Nana.
“Hi, Ms. B,” Jeff said giving her a hug. He stepped back and put his hands on top of her shoulders. “Now that I’ve graduated and you are no longer in a position of authority vis-a-vi moi, would you marry me? Josh, feeble-minded as he may be, will be out of your hair soon.”
I punched him on the arm. His mom smacked him in the back of the head. His dad just stared at him, perplexed as to how this being could have any connection with his loins.
Mom chuckled.
“Sweetie, ask me when you’re making more money than me and I’ll think about it.”
“I don’t know Janice. He looks like a strapping young man,” Nana offered, shocking us all.
“You wound me, Ms. B. So crass, so materialistic. You should listen to your mother.”
“Oh, for pity sakes, put a sock in it, Jeff,” his mom snapped. She stepped between mom and I and hooked one arm in ours. “Come on, we have reservations for five at Red Lobster. My folks didn’t feel up to the trip and canceled at the last minute, so we got two open seats. They can fit a third in. Join us.”
“Oh, that’s so sweet of you, but I have to get mom back home,” my mother told her.
“Janice, I haven’t been out to eat in forever. Let me treat you and Josh.” Nana interjected.
“Well, that settles it. Meet you there.” With that Jeff’s mom released our arms, grabbed her husband’s and son’s, and set off at a respectable clip toward the exit.
“Wow,” mom chuckled. “Poor George, stuck between Karen and Jeff. He may look like his dad but he’s all Karen personality-wise.”
I caught her eye behind Nana’s back, hoping they conveyed my concern and anxiety.
Mom smiled and patted my cheek.
†
Lunch was interminable. Not even the interplay of Jeff and his mom could distract me. When it was over, mom rose and congratulated Jeff again. She told me to enjoy my afternoon and she would see me at home later.
As was traditional, most of the newly graduated seniors met up at the city park. The cops kept a close eye out for booze or dope, so it was a more sedate crowd. Groups of three and four formed, then broke apart and reformed again, sea foam atop the waves.
Maggie found me. I had seen Suze at graduation but had not had a chance to talk to her. She had disappeared after the ceremony ended. Maggie informed me her parents planned to keep her grounded until she left for school. They had even threatened to pull their help with her tuition if she could not prove to them she was not simply going to waste her time at college getting falling down drunk.
I think she was hoping I would ask her out. I was considering it but could not make up my mind before she gave a half wave and wandered away.
I played a few games of volleyball, then a few of half touch, half kill football. Being bang around proved to be the most successful way to quit worrying about what was happening to mom and me, Maggie and me, or just me.
The crowd began to thin out as supper time neared. I think we were all surprised at the sense of melancholy, of ending, that came over us as we began to drift away. It felt more than a little like Frodo saying goodbye to his friends before boarding a ship at the Gray Havens.
I remember thinking, I did not need that grief on top of the anxiety that was keeping my heart pounding and my gut queasy.
Jeff dropped me at my house. I walked into the kitchen half worried mom would not be there. Worried she had stayed with Nana. Stay away from me.
I could hear the TV in the living room. I crossed the kitchen and stepped through the archway. Mom sat on the sofa. The TV was broadcasting a golf game, which immediately told me she was not actually watching TV; she detested golf.
She was naked except for her smile.
“Good thing I didn’t invite Jeff in,” I managed to choke out.
“It would have made his day.”
“Year,” I corrected. “Decade.” I stared for a moment longer. “Are we okay?”
“Yes, baby. I told you we were. You worry too much. This whole thing is crazy and probably wrong. I want you to find someone you enjoy being with, be that Maggie, or someone you meet at the university. But in the meantime, we’ve come this far. We might as well enjoy what we can, while we can.”
With that she rose and held out her hand to me.
Hand and hand we walked back to the bedroom.
†
The top sheet and light summer blanket had been neatly folded at the foot of the bed. Mom had draped a silk scarf over the bedside lamp, turning the harsh white light into a soft red-purple glow. Atop a towel at the top of the mattress rested the dildo, lube and several condoms.
I turned to mom and she smiled.
“Go take a shower, baby. Take your time. Bring back a pan of soapy water and a washcloth when you’re finished.” With that she kissed me lightly and turned me toward the door.
I showered in a daze. My cock was already raging as I toweled off and ran a basin of water as she had requested.
Mom was lying on her side, head propped up on her arm. She was gorgeous. She had her hair tied back in a ponytail. Her breasts, full and natural, draped over her chest. Her nipples hardened as I walked into the room. I placed the basin on the floor beside the bed and knelt beside her.
I leaned forward as she rolled onto her back. She cupped my face and pulled me into a long, slow kiss. Of all the amazing moments we were to share, that kiss stands out in my memory. It was intimate, more intimate in a way than what would come after it.
That kiss connected us. Breath to breath. Tongue to tongue. We became as close to one as two people, separated by skin by physical bodies, were capable of becoming.
I am convinced part of that kiss has remained, physically, with me to this day. Besides sharing half her genes, I am certain a molecule of water from her tongue, perhaps an atom of oxygen from her breath, has found a home somewhere in my body. It has never been transformed, never been exhaled.
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