I nodded. At least that was a start.
“But no,” Mom rested her hand on mine, warmly. Belying the chill of her words. “The world doesn’t work like that, sweetie. I’m sorry. Your father tried his hardest for years and they fired him anyway. This is what life is. Some people roll boxcars, but most of us get snake-eyes. And there’s nothing you can do to change the dice. You have to learn to live with it.”
*
Driving to school in my old, beat-up Toyota, I couldn’t get what Mom said out of my head. There was something that felt so wrong about it. But I couldn’t figure out where the flaw in her logic was.
As I weighed her words, it occurred to me that not one thing that had happened in my life the last year — wonderful or terrible — had been because of me. Lucy had called me into her room to press. Lucy had invited Lindsay in, as well. Lindsay was the one who spoke to Kara about joining us. And Jan had found us on her own.
Similarly, I hadn’t started the fight with my parents, or even truly participated in it. Yes, I hadn’t told my sisters about me and Jan, but that had been a passive choice; not really a decision at all. It was easier to say nothing.
I was still doing that. Letting my sisters take their time to forgive me. Watching Lucy go on Spring Break. All of it.
OK, I’d made one active choice. The one time I’d had actual intercourse with Lucy. And I knew exactly how that’d turned out. But even then, it’s not like we had a conversation. Or even dealt with things after. I just sort of went with the flow.
And I realized, that’s what my father was doing this whole time. He gave up and let the current carry him out to sea. Maybe it was too late for Dad. Once you get out past the breakers, it’s nearly impossible to swim back. Especially if you won’t let anyone help.
I wasn’t out there, yet. I needed to do something before it was too late. I couldn’t save my father from the fate he’d unwillingly chosen.
But I could still rescue myself.
*
Jan sat across from me, looking cross. She had on a dark suit with a light blue blouse –practically a rainbow of chromatic defiance for her. She was wearing dark glasses and her hair was up in its usual tight bun. Jan looked the definition of a successful businesswoman. Or a dominatrix at her day job.
“What are we doing here, Dylan?” Jan asked. Somehow, she managed to keep her lips tight while she talked. It was quite the trick.
I’d called my oldest sister from my car as soon as I’d reached my revelation. This didn’t have to be the first step, but it was the best one I could think of. It was a Saturday, but Jan was working anyway because Jan.
We met at an outdoor cafe in the city. A busy place with tiny tables and oversized sandwiches. Bright in the ever-warming sun. We ordered food and talked about nothing while I built up the courage to come out with it.
Midway through the meal, Jan got a work call. She answered it with a practiced ease. She didn’t seem harried, but she clearly expressed her frustration at being interrupted. She wasn’t rough or rude, but I could tell from my side of the table that my sister was solving the problem with efficiency and grace. It was kind of amazing to watch. I still didn’t understand what my oldest sister did for a living, but I could tell she was damn good at it.
I’d always thought of Jan as tough, but I realized that made her capable and skilled, too. I was proud of her.
Finally, though, as our plates were cleared, Jan ran out of patience and asked her question. I’d known what I was going to do when I asked to meet. But I’d forgotten how intimidating Jan could be, just by being herself. When she snapped at me, the sudden pressure squeezed out my words in a way I wasn’t expecting.
“Are you happy, Jan?”
My sister eyed me, oddly. Like she was considering how much to say. As if I didn’t already know the answer. Finally, my sister made up her mind.
“Not particularly,” she said.
“That’s what I figured,” I said, “I don’t think any of us are, really.”
“No, I suppose not,” Jan said.
“What would make you happy?” I asked.
“I don’t know, I haven’t thought about it, being honest,” Jan said.
I gave my sister an evaluating look. But she just shrugged.
“Maybe family,” Jan said, “But maybe not, like, our family. I’m not mad at you, Dylan. Or the Ells. I just mean, not the family thing we have now. Or what it was like before. We always forget that things weren’t that great before, either.”
“How much money do you make?” I asked.
Jan’s eyes widened. She was getting ready to stab me from across the table. The knife was already in her hand. I knew I was going about this the wrong way; but it was the only direction I’d been able to come up with.
“Sorry, that’s not how I meant that to come out,” I said, “That was rude. But, honestly. Actually. Yes, that’s my question. What are you earning these days?”
“That’s none of your business, Dylan,” Jan said, raising her eyebrow in her signature way. “I make enough.”
“What’s enough?” I asked, “I don’t mean a number. Not exactly. See, the thing is, Lucy’s about to graduate. And I’ve been looking into things. It won’t change much if I start going to classes at night. Adds another six months, maybe. But that’s not bad at all.”
“Are you asking what I think you are?” Jan’s face looked surprisingly soft. A bit of a smile started to curl at the corner of her cheeks.
“Yeah,” I said, “Yes. I think I am.”
*
I met Lindsay at her studio, my duffle bag swung over my shoulder. Even though we’d agreed to meet that afternoon, my youngest sister still looked surprised to see me. She had on her usual yoga pants with a tight, yellow tank top that bared her taut tummy and toned shoulders. Lindsay’s epically long, light brown hair was pulled back in a braid that trailed down her spine.
“I can’t believe you’re here,” Lindsay said. She was grinning like crazy.
About twenty other people came in after me. The studio was small, and the floor was lined with mats. The far wall was a full mirror, reflecting my little sister back at the class. The place smelled of whatever incense Lindsay was pumping into the room and the faint odor of sweat. Light guitar music played in the background. I stood in the middle of the group so as not to completely embarrass myself. I figured I’d do OK. After all, we were only stretching. How hard could that be?
Forty minutes later I had my answer. I was ready to die. My sister made it all look so easy. It was more than the fluidity of her body, the lithe confidence of her muscles. Lindsay had a look on her face that spread contented bliss around the room.
She was good at this. There were people more than twice her age in that class and I got the sense that if Lindsay announced that our next position was ‘jump off the bridge’ the whole group would follow her there. She just had ‘it,’ whatever that was.
I’d always thought of my sister as a bit flighty, but I realized that made her imaginative and empathetic, as well. I was proud of her.
After the class, my body breaking in ways I didn’t realize it could, I found my sister casually toweling herself off at the front of the studio. The mirror made it seem like there were multiples of her, all moving in the same way.
“That was. Quite. The workout,” I said. Even talking was too much for me.
Lindsay grinned at me, broadly. “I thought you did pretty good for a first timer.”
“Uh huh,” I said, getting ready to die on the floor. “You do this. Every day?”
“No, I go to high school, remember,” Lindsay said, “But this is nice on the weekends. And it’s good to get the extra cash.”
“Really?” I asked, “How much money do you make, exactly?”
Lindsay quirked her eyebrow at me, in a remarkable imitation of our oldest sister.
*
That night, as soon as I got home, I marched down the hallway and pounded on Lucy’s door. Finally, she opened it, looking disheveled. Her blonde hair was loose, running in rivulets over her shoulders. Her bright blue eyes were covered with confusion.
“Don’t go,” I said. My body was still hurting from Lindsay’s workout. Just climbing our steps had almost been the end of me.
“What?” Lucy asked, “Dylan what are you talking about?”
“Disney,” I said, “Don’t do it. Stay home for Spring Break.”
“What? Why?”
“Because I want you to,” I said.
Lucy evaluated me in the hallway for a moment. Like I was trying to sell her on Scientology. We’d been through so much together. But that was the key word. Together. I had strong feelings for Jan and Lindsay, sure. They were my sisters and I cared about them more than I could say. But Lucy was different. And in the end, I knew better than to try to trick her. I had to come out and say it. She deserved that much, after all that she’d done.
I’d always thought of my sister as my best friend. It was time that I started treating her that way. Make her proud of me.
“OK,” Lucy said, carefully. Like any syllable might trip up a falling spike or a rolling boulder. “I’ll call my friends and tell them I’m out.”
I thanked Lucy, then went back to my room to die. Man, taking agency in my own life was way more painful than I’d expected.
*
Our first day of Spring Break, the sun shone through my windows like it, too, was celebrating. I had a whole week to make things right. Lucy and Lindsay would both be home, but my parents would not. And there were always evenings with Jan.
I got into sweatpants and a t-shirt, then headed downstairs. I found Lucy and Lindsay both sitting at the table, eating breakfast and staring at their respective screens. Before they could even say hello, I gave them the signature chin jut.
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