“I love you, Beth,” I finally whispered, “Please don’t do this.”
She cried harder and I had to stop myself moving across the room to hold her, whisper it would all be okay, that we could just leave and be together. “I have to do this for both of us,” she finally stated, wiping her cheeks with the back of her hand, “You need to find someone who isn’t your sister, fall in love with her, get married, start a family, and be able to show off that love to everyone, not keep it hidden away because no-one will ever understand that you’re in love with me.” She took a deep breath and cried even more as she whispered, “As much as I’m in love with you.”
I moved quickly, sliding on my knees to sit in front of her. Caressing her cheek, I wiped away the tears. “We can leave,” I whispered, “We don’t have to stay here. We can move anywhere we want so that we can be together. I’ll change my name, then we can get married, have kids, and be together.”
“No. I’m not making you leave everyone we know and love behind, and I know you wouldn’t expect that of me, Mark. I know I’m going to break your heart doing this. I know you’re going to hate me going forward. But I can live with that, knowing I’m releasing you to find happiness with someone else.”
“I’m happiest with you, Beth,” I replied softly, feeling tears of my own start to fall.
“We have to find it somewhere else, Mark.” She hugged me tightly before adding, “I’m moving out and going away for a while, Mark. It’s the best thing to do. Create some distance between us so we can move on.”
I clutched her tighter. “Please don’t go…”
We were both crying by now. She was in floods of tears. I just didn’t want my sister to leave me. “I have to. It’s best for both of us. I love you too much to keep this going. I’m not going to tell you where I’m going. I’m not telling anyone. I’m just going to disappear one day and then I’ll make contact once I’m settled. It’s better that way, Mark.”
“I love you, Beth.”
“I know you do, Mark. I love you too. I don’t want to go. It’s going to be so hard for both of us, but…”
I leaned back and looked at her gorgeous face. I hated seeing her upset. I hated that her heart was breaking as much as mine. But as she gently pushed me back and walked away, I knew that was it. That night, she didn’t come to my room, and when trying to go into hers, for the first time I could remember, the door was locked. I didn’t try knocking.
I had to go to work, I couldn’t stay at home in my first week to keep an eye on her. I sent her constant messages, but she didn’t reply. Arriving home from work the first three days, she was obviously keeping her distance, joining me for dinner, but ensuring she was locked up in her room otherwise.
Waking up on Thursday morning, I was walking out to my car when Beth called me to stop. Turning to face her, she said nothing except wrapping her arms around me, squeezing me hard as I hugged her in return. I knew what it was.
A last hug goodbye.
“I love you, Beth. Please remember that. I’ll never stop. You’re my girl.”
She didn’t say anything though she did start to cry. Leaning down to kiss her, it was a chaste kiss, just in case the neighbours were watching, her fingers gently caressing my cheek, gazing into my eyes for what I knew, in my heart, was the last time.
“Please don’t go,” I whispered, “Stay with me.”
She fled back inside, unable to stay with me any longer. With a heavy heart, I slid behind the wheel of my car and drove to work. I could barely concentrate all day, thankful it was all training, so looking a little lost was almost expected at times. Arriving home, Beth’s car was gone. Heading inside, I walked straight towards her bedroom. Some of the furniture remained, but a cursory check showed that all her clothing was gone.
Sighing to myself, I returned to my bedroom, had a little cry, before I went to find my parents. They were aware she’d moved out that morning, but where she’d gone, they didn’t know either. She’d left no forwarding address but did keep the same number so she could keep in touch with us.
Heading to bed that evening, I sent her a final message, stating that I still understand why, but that I still loved her, would always love her, and that if she changed her mind, I would have her back without a second thought.
For six months, I heard nothing from her. I didn’t message her too often. She’d made her feelings clear. Though my deep love remained, resentment and anger did slowly build. I blamed her for making a unilateral decision without even thinking about my thoughts or feelings. I understood some of her reasoning, but she made up her mind, and that was it.
I moved out of home during those six months as I couldn’t stand to be reminded of her disappearance every single day walking past her bedroom. I found a reasonably priced two-bedroom apartment close enough to my place of work that I didn’t need to drive. Surprisingly, my parents were rather upset that the second of their oldest children had flown the coop, my father helping me out moving with a couple of friends, Mum doing the usual thing of trying her best to help but annoying me at the same time.
Home alone one evening, my phone ringing was a surprise. Most of my mates would only text. Mum called once a week, probably talking to her more in the time since I moved out than in the past couple of years. Checking the name, I actually debated whether to pick up or not.
“Hello, Beth.” There was no reply, only the sound of her crying. Despite it all, I hated hearing her so upset. “Beth?”
“I’m sorry, Mark… I’m so sorry. I miss you and I love you so much. Please don’t hate me forever.”
“I love…” But I didn’t finish as I heard the line disconnect. I was tempted to call her back, but I assumed she was still feeling fragile, and to be honest, I was still feeling rather angry about everything. The last thing I wanted to do was blow up and ruin whatever relationship we had left.
I received a message from her on my birthday. It was simple but made me smile. I still had no idea where she was living, but when Mum invited me for Christmas, I did wonder if she’d arrive. Getting to my parents early, I spent time with my siblings, who were excited to have their big brother back at the house. Mum and both grandmothers were preparing lunch when there was a knock at the door, my father escorting my sister inside. Our eyes met and, for a moment, it was like no-one else was around.
But she spent the entire day avoiding me. I never got the chance to even have a five-minute conversation with her. It was only over lunch that I learned she’d moved to Perth, the other side of the country, as far away as possible from us while still remaining in the same country.
To be honest, the next few years passed by slowly. Aware my sister likely wasn’t going to change her mind, my friends finally convinced me to go out and date. I enjoyed a couple of brief relationships, based more on sex than love, as to be honest, I hardened my heart and shut myself off from falling too deeply for anyone else.
Five years after she left, I got word that my sister returned to Sydney. Our communication during that time was limited at best. The only time she returned was for Christmas. I always received a card and present on my birthday, and she’d call but only for a brief conversation. In return, I found out her address and sent her a present and card on her birthday. But I was warned in no uncertain terms that I was not to attempt to try and visit her.
Mum called to let me know there’d be a family dinner due to my sister returning. Arriving at the house alone, I walked inside and came to a stop as my sister was on the couch, holding hands with a man I’d never met before. My sister was incredibly nervous. Thankfully, my parents didn’t pick up on anything. She rose to her feet, the man next to her doing the same thing.
“Mark, this is… This is Steven. My boyfriend.”
He was nothing like me. Shorter. Slimmer. Different hair. Different colour eyes. I looked at him before glancing back at my sister. “Boyfriend?”
“Yes, Mark,” she said softly, “We’ve been dating for a year, and he chose to come to Sydney with me.”
Steven offered his hand. I stared at it for a few seconds before I grabbed it. And I squeezed. He tried not to react, but he would have met the glare in my eyes. “Nice to meet you, Steven,” I stated through gritted teeth, “I’m just delighted my sister has met someone.”
I’m sure my sister would have recognised the sarcasm dripping from my tone. I met her eyes as I didn’t let go of his hand for at least thirty seconds. She looked ready for the floor to just open up and swallow her. Letting go of his hand, I smirked as he shook it, and no doubt he was wondering as to my reaction. Turning around, I looked at my father. “Beer, Dad?”
“Plenty in the fridge, Mark. Some of those pale ales and XPA’s you like so much.”
Spending most of the time outside did me some good. Whenever I glanced at my sister, I wouldn’t have called her ‘lovey-dovey’ with her partner. Whenever she met my eyes, I knew her well enough to see the guilt. What she didn’t know is that I’d been dating a girl for six months and simply hadn’t brought her along.
I guess it wouldn’t be a surprise to hear that I left early as I simply couldn’t stand being around her. I still loved her. The hate I’d felt after she’d left had long since disappeared. Now I just felt my heart break again, imagining them together in an intimate fashion…
Although back in Sydney, I rarely saw her, never visited her, and our communication was limited to the occasional message. She didn’t call me often and I didn’t call her. Once I was with Holly, I made sure to keep my distance. Beth knew all about Holly but never showed much interest in my relationship. I knew her relationship with Steven didn’t last long, then she seemed to go through a couple of boyfriends rather quickly.
We only saw each other at Christmas and other celebrations. We did meet up for birthdays with the family, but we never spent any time alone in the same room. I wasn’t sure why as I wasn’t inclined to just leap on her. At most I would want a brief conversation, mostly wondering if she still felt the same way about me. All I knew is that, even after everything, I was still in love with her. Whenever she looked at me, I was left believing she still felt the same way.
Leave a Reply