Apparently she’d hit the mark on that gnawing feeling in the back of my mind. In that instant, I felt I had betrayed Tera out entire marriage because of my infatuations with Jean. I married believing Tera was like Jean and loved her like I would have loved Jean. I must have shown anger on my face as she got a worried look on hers when she looked up at me.
The memory of Tera and the idea that I betrayed her seemed to be the wound that wouldn’t heal. Jean’s eyes glistened and tears spilled. I knew then I reacted badly and had looked too critical of her thoughts and confession when I myself harbored a near obsessive nature about her all this time.
I’m sorry Jean. I’m truly sorry. I guess I wasn’t prepared to hear that. And I do need to confess the same feelings toward you. A lifetime’s worth of lies. Not that I could deny it after tonight in the pool and all.” She looked up at me, tears streaming down her face.”
You mean you still feel the same way or you’re sorry you don’t? was all she could manage as her voice failed her into quiet sobs.
I took a deep breath and confessed all of my feelings from when I was a young boy. From a boy who loved his favorite aunt to infatuation and fantasies to a very real love as I had felt toward her in my twenties after marrying Tera. She shook her head in disbelief.
It never occurred to me why you married Tera.” She said sniffling. “Now that I think about it, we did look a little alike didn’t we? She looked up at me for an answer.
I nodded. “I found a woman that resembled you in character, stature and what I believed was your values. Even down to the color of her hair. Tera was a very good woman. I grew to love her in a short time and in the end felt horrible about the circumstances and conditions I created to get a woman who I thought was like you. I was living a lie and felt guilty about but I didn’t say anything. I think that by the time Jessica was born, our marriage was floundering because of that hidden guilt I harbored.
I started questioning whether it was Tera that I really loved and not a surrogate to what I believed was you at first. I had tried to do more and be more involved in our marriage and focus on Tera as herself and not as you. I tried to heal the wound I thought I gave her without her ever knowing when it was a wound I inflicted on both of us and our relationship. I loved Tera deeply but I think it was as a surrogate of you. When the accident happened, I became so depressed I was going to kill myself by driving my rig straight into a bridge piling somewhere at speed because of the guilt.”
————–
Leave a Reply