Officer Bob decided that sending me to the detention center would only harden me more. Instead, he took me home to his place. He was the first person to have ever showed me compassion. I repaid his compassion by stealing his TV when he went back to work.
I avoided Officer Bob for about a month before he caught me again. This time he took me to jail. The judge decided I was an orphan of the state, as they could not find my parents. They sent me to the orphanage where they mistreated me as I had been at home.
I ran away every chance I got and if anyone did adopt me I ran away or caused trouble until they shipped me back to the orphanage. After a while, they never showed me to parents looking to adopt a boy. When I ran away, I returned to the streets and Officer Bob or one of the other members of the police department would return me to the orphanage. I knew most of the police department by their first names and they were really my only friends.
One day Kim-ly and Dai Dinh my soon to be adoptive parents came to the orphanage. They showed all the children to them except for me. I was sitting on the edge of my bed with my head down as Kim-ly walked by me. She asked why I not shown to them.
“That boy is Jack and he is nothing but trouble,” they told her.
Kim-ly walked up to me lifting my head as she said, “Blonde hair, blue green eyes sign of devil but I see a loving, caring heart in eyes too.” Kim-ly smiled at me as she added, “We take boy named Jack.”
I went home with two people who were not even Americans I thought. They talked to each other in a language I did not understand. They took me home and as I was unpacking by belongings I heard them talking in English.
“That boy will only be big problem,” Dai Dinh said.
“That boy strong and be big help on farm,” Kim-ly replied.
I thought that is why they picked me to use me as a slave on their farm. I did not say anything to either of them. They feed me something I never seen or had, but I must admit it tasted better than what I had been eating. They showed me their farm and told me I would be helping them to run it.
I did not say anything I just followed them until they left me alone. I ran across field after fields trying to get away. I fell into barbwire trying to get over fences or around them. I had no idea of where I was and it was getting dark outside. I saw a barn in the distance and I ran to it.
I went inside and climbed up into the hayloft. Your grandfather found me the next morning. He was kind to me and took me inside where I met your grandmother. He told her look what he found in the barn.
“Can we keep him?” Grandma asked him.
Your grandfather shook his head no, as he asked me about myself. Where I came from, who my parents were and my name. I just stood there with my head down; as I did not want to go back to those that I had just ran away from.
Grandma’s cooking loosened my tongue as I told them they call me Jack. After breakfast and with no money to pay for breakfast your grandfather told me I could work it off and then be on my way. He told me nothing was ever free in life as one way or the other you will pay for it in the end. As we worked, I told him my story of growing up alone and unloved on the streets of the city. I explained I had lied and stolen while living on the streets. I only did those things to survive.
“No one can survive without love,” your grandfather said to me. “If you want to be truly loved, you have to first give love in order to receive love.” “If you want to be wanted one must never take what they want, only one who gives it to you can give you the feeling that you are wanted and needed.”
His words took to me as I realized I had never shown any compassion to anyone. Before we had lunch, I told him who my adoptive parents were and gave him their phone number. He told me Dai Dinh was a good man and his lovely wife Kim-ly would be a good mother to me. He also told me never judge ones who are different from yourself.
His words held true as I grew to love them as my real parents and they loved me as well. I also grew to accept your grandparents as my own as mine lived far away. I knew very little of where my adoptive parents came from other than the few photos they had of their homeland.
Kim-ly used to tell me their families would accept me as one of their own as they had. I came home from school one day to find her crying in the bedroom. I asked her what was wrong she told me the North Vietnamese had wiped out their families during the war going on over there.
I remember in a few days telling your grandfather and Frank when I grow up I would seek revenge on those who took her family from her. Your grandfather told me, “War has a way of changing a man if he gets caught up in all the death.”
You know I was going to go to college and that I had a sweetheart back then. She only gave me the push I needed to seek my revenge. I do not believe she played a part, as I wanted to go seek revenge against those who had made Kim-ly cry so I went off to war in Vietnam seeking revenge on those who made her cry.
Your grandfather was right about war having a way of changing a man. Between the deaths that I saw, the death I handed out, the injustice from both sides as well as my own injustice it changed me. Nothing he or my own parents had taught me about right or wrong growing up mattered any more to me.
My head and my hands only had death upon them. I no longer had compassion for anyone even myself. I found there were others like me while on leave in country. I met then while in Vung Tau while on a 3 day R&R there.
One of them was Daniel and members of his squad most were from around my hometown. During our R&R, we saw news reports of how returning soldiers were treated. They called us baby killers and spit at us. The news portrayed us to the public as crazed psychopathic killers with no morals or control over our aggression.
When I saw that, everything that I knew that was right left me. If that was what they thought us to be then maybe, we were. Daniel, his men and I formed a group and called ourselves The Devils. We were already in hell so why not become the devil as well. Anywhere the devils went hell was set up it did not matter whether it was in the jungles of Vietnam, in Vung Tau or even back at home.
Jack told me of members raping and even killing girls over there. Jack swore to me he never took part in that but that he never stopped or reported it. He explained he took his hate and anger out on the enemy, as he was there seeking revenge on them and no one else.
My year of duty was up and I returned home. I was looking forward to it as grandma had written to me about her granddaughter who was now living with her. She had told me we had a lot in common. However, I no sooner stepped from the plane to boos, spit and chants of being a baby killer upon arriving in the USA.
I thought once that I removed the uniform I could remove the bad taste I had in my mouth and the smell upon me. However, it did not for all I could see was death when I closed my eyes. My mind was pretty much gone by then, as I no longer knew right from wrong. During that party when I took you, I knew it was wrong but I could not stop myself nor did I want too.
Then to know the rubber had broken and I might have placed a Devil baby into you. With as screwed up as I was. I thought your baby would be too. I ran back to where I belonged which was in Vietnam, stuck in my own hell.
Upon my return to Vietnam, all I could think about was you. I did not even know your name but I saw your face each time I closed my eyes. After a mission, I would return to my quarters and lie upon my bed hoping you would come to me in my dreams. Your face was the only sanity I had left.
I broke all ties at home with everyone. As I did not want anyone to know what I had become or had done to you. This was my home now for this was hell and it was where I belonged. You were still on my mind and in my dreams. I wrote many letters confessing what I had done to Kim-ly and asked her to find you. However, I never had the guts to mail them.
My life in Hell went on and while I was not part of the ones known as the Devils any longer, I still wore their mark. I would hear of their exploits from time to time. I stopped opening letters from home as I just threw them away until my commanding officer informed me my parents and others were concerned about me. He suggested I write them unless I was crazy and then he would have to ship me home. One of the first letters I opened from home was from your grandma.
When I did, the photo of you with Michelle in your arms fell out onto the ground. I left it on the ground as I read the letter. In her letter, she told me about her lovely granddaughter named Ann. How your life had been a hard one with the struggles you had with your mom and then with your husband.
She explained you were divorced now living back there and that you were the one she had written to me about before and wanted me to meet when I was home the first time. I picked the photo up looking at it. I realized I had met you and had my way with you. When I saw Michelle’s eyes, her lovely blonde hair I realized she might be mine.
Shortly after receiving her letter my adoptive father died and I returned home. It was no accident running into you two that day at the store. I had been following you two all day long. When I picked Michelle up, I knew she was mine. However, how could I tell you that I had raped you and gave you this child? Kim-ly and your grandma thought Vietnam was on my mind and causing me problems.
That was not my problem the problem was you and Michelle and I did not know what to do. Grandma had even told me she thought we would make a cute couple when I talked to her that night. She talked about giving that sweet child Michelle a future like the one another boy was once given.
“I told her that child does not need a coward for her father,” Jack said to me.
I was a coward because I would not face the wrong I had done to you here or the wrong I had turned my back on in Vietnam. There was only one future for me and that was Hell. Once again I did not belong here I belonged back in hell from where I had came.
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