“Aah! Ow, I’m sorry! I don’t know!” she sobbed.
I let out a growl of anger as I hit her once more. I let go of her and she let out a long moan of relief, as I took a deep, calming breath. I let her lie like that for a while, enjoying how her body gently shook and quivered with pain.
My right hand was shaking. I flexed my fingers a few times, assuming it was due to the pain, but then I realised my left hand wasn’t steady either. There was so much energy, so much joyful adrenaline coursing through me that it was causing me to shake. I ran my left hand up through my hair, and took another long, steady breath. I had to calm myself.
“Because you…fucked up…” I said slowly, “This…is number five.”
I hit her hard, and she crossed her ankles and pushed her face deeper into the bed.
“Say it.” I said.
She was silent, except for her sobbing. I caught myself before I shouted at her again. I’d told that I’d wait until she was ready.
But after almost two minutes, I couldn’t wait any more.
“Jessica,” I said lying down beside her, “Look at me.”
She slowly shifted her body until she could turn her head. Her eyes were red with tears. I gritted my teeth as I thought about how incredible she looked like this, and what it said about me that I thought so.
“Jessica, do you want me to stop?” I asked, my voice gentle, “If you want to stop this…you just have to say it. You…you can just leave.”
It was important that she knew this. I made sure of this when I’d decided to take this step. This wasn’t just me beating her because she pissed me off. I didn’t want that kind of relationship with her, I didn’t want to be just some abusive asshole. She had to be a part of it. She had to accept it.
She had to want it.
My heart jumped in my chest when she started to slowly shake her head, her eyes locked on to mine. Relief washed over me like a cool wave.
“You don’t want to leave?” I asked.
She shook her head again, slowly, and bit down on her bottom lip. I realised I loved it when she bit her lip like that. It was such an honest, unmistakable expression of her emotion.
She was staying.
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