“Seriously though,” I said, feeling confident from the laugh I got, “There are just so many more interesting things I could be doing. And everything’s so much more fun when you’re ignoring boring shit you have to do.”
Everyone laughed at that, and out of the corner of my eye I even saw Jessica smile.
I said it jokingly, but that was actually how I felt about most things. There was always so many interesting and fun things to do, books to read, movies to watch, not even to mention all the time I spent on the internet. Pretty much every piece of homework I had to do, or test I had to study for, was done the night before, if not the morning of its deadline. Probably why my grades were so overwhelmingly average.
“Procrastination is one of life’s greatest little pleasures.” said Becky sagely, smiling at me.
I smiled back, and the conversation moved on.
I didn’t talk much after that, but I was surprised to find I’d enjoyed myself. When we went to get ready for class, everyone said goodbye, and Derek stressed again how “really great” it was to meet me, the same warm smile on his face.
Later, Rose caught up with me at my locker.
“See, wasn’t that fun?” she said.
“It was Ok. Your friends seem cool.” I said casually.
“Good. That wasn’t even all of them, Lissie had some dumb club thing to do today. You’ll probably like her.” she said.
“You have a friend called Lissie? Is that even a name?” I joked.
“Alyssa. Lissie. You’ll like her.” she said.
“Oh, and when would I ever meet her?” I said.
“Well obviously you’re sitting with us tomorrow too.” she said smiling, walking away.
I’d had fun, but I didn’t know if I really wanted to be spending all this time with Rose and Jessica. If we started meeting at lunch, and after school, and on the weekends, then I’d pretty much have no time to myself. I’d already been spending less time alone, and as weird as it sounds, it made me a little uncomfortable.
I used to spend all my time alone because I had to, but over the years I’d really come to enjoy my solitude, my privacy. I wasn’t really sure if I was ready to give that up.
==
The next day, they met me at the line in the cafeteria again. Rose had an expression that let me know she wasn’t going to give up on this, and again, Jessica looked like she didn’t really care. I hadn’t spoken to either of them since the day before.
When we got to their table, Derek and Becky were already there, as well as a girl I vaguely recognised. It was probably strange not to know the name of everyone other senior by now, but I’d spent so little time outside my own small social groups that I didn’t even really have to try to avoid gossip. The groups I hung out with were usually more interested in their own niche hobbies than their classmates.
“Oh hey man, what’s up?” Derek said, as soon as I sat.
Becky was reading a book, and didn’t look up to greet me. I looked at the other girl. She was very beautiful, I noticed right away. There really was a pattern here. She had sharp, well defined cheek bones and dark hair that fell past her shoulders, and very fair skin. Her eyes must have been brown, but they were so dark they seemed almost black.
“So you’re Rose’s little brother?” she said, giving me an almost stern, appraising look.
“Kinda.” I said nervously.
“What do you mean ‘kinda’? Do you not know if you’re her brother?” she said, her voice sarcastic and almost accusing.
I felt a swell of nervousness rise up at her aggressive tone, but I met her eye. I was determined not to act as awkward as I’d felt yesterday. Besides, the way she was looking at me was nothing compared to how Jessica had been treating me for years.
“I mean we don’t actually know who’s older.” I explained, trying to sound confident, “As far as I’m concerned, I’m her big brother.”
She raised her eyebrows slightly, before turning to Rose.
“You said he was younger than you by like, a few minutes.” she said almost angrily, her voice still firm.
Rose just shrugged, smiling. The other girl’s almost hostile manner didn’t seem to bother anyone else. Derek was just watching with what seemed to be a permanent half-smile, and Becky still didn’t look up.
“He is younger.” Rose said eventually, her voice full of humour, “He just won’t admit it.”
They looked at me simultaneously. It was my turn to shrug.
“I don’t know what to tell you.” I said lightly. “My little sister’s delusional.”
There was a half-beat of silence before the girl’s cold, stern expression melted into a light, sincere laugh. I smiled, feeling a little rush of confidence that I wasn’t used to. I didn’t often make people laugh, but I seemed to be pretty good at it.
“I’m Lissie.” she said, her laugh fading.
I felt strangely like I’d passed some sort of test.
Again, once I’d gotten my introduction out of the way, I stayed pretty much silent, letting the others talk, and content just to react occasionally. I noticed Frank wasn’t here, but I didn’t question it. Jessica still hadn’t said a word to anyone, and again no one thought this was strange.
After a while, Becky flipped her book closed, and looked right up into my eyes.
“When did you get here?” she asked, genuinely puzzled.
I shrugged, mind racing to think of something vaguely witty to say.
“I’ve been here the whole time.” I said, raising one eyebrow.
“What?” she asked, her brow wrinkling in confusion.
Derek quickly picked up on my joke, and added to it.
“Becky, he was sitting there when you got here.” he said seriously, as if Becky was missing something obvious.
“Really?” she asked, even more confused, “Shit, I didn’t even notice.”
I couldn’t help but smile, and Derek suddenly gave a short, loud laugh. She rolled her eyes as she realised we were messing with her.
“Oh, whatever.” she said, a little embarrassed.
Rose and Lissie hadn’t noticed this exchange, and Derek and Becky joined right in with their conversation. It was such a small thing, just a simple joke, a little moment of bonding, but it made me feel stupidly good. It had been a while since I’d had an actual, casual conversation with someone who wasn’t related to me, or…whatever the fuck Jessica was to me. No long, complicated history or always quietly worrying about hidden meanings or ignoring old guilt. Just light, simple conversation.
As the other four talked to each other, Jessica met my eye, and again she was smiling. She seemed embarrassed that I’d noticed her looking at me, and quickly looked down at the table. She was acting so strangely.
Lunch passed without much more happening. I still didn’t feel exactly comfortable with this group, but I was definitely a lot less nervous. If Rose was really insistent on this, then I thought it would be Ok to keep going along with it.
But it slowly became apparent that I just didn’t have much to talk to them about. Most of their conversation revolved around other seniors who’s names I only vaguely recognised, or TV I didn’t watch, or parties I hadn’t been to. It made me a little uncomfortable at first, but I figured I could get used to it.
==
The next day, Rose didn’t feel the need to march me towards her table personally, but she waved me over when she saw me looking from the line.
It was just Rose and Derek at that point, but it was only a few minutes before Frank, Becky, Lissie and Jessica had all joined. Again, I didn’t talk much, just sometimes laughing or making little jokes.
Unless the conversation steered towards a teacher I had, or homework I hadn’t done yet (which was pretty much all of it), I still didn’t really have anything to say. But no one pressured me to talk, or mocked me when I didn’t understand a reference. This surprised me at first, until I realised that the only reason I expected it was because of how Jessica had treated me. She’d skewed my perception of social interaction, making it seem so much harsher and more judgemental than it usually was. I smiled when I thought this. I was still figuring out ways that she affected my life.
However, that day, Jessica did finally speak, but not to anyone at the table.
My eyes widened when I saw him approach, at least 6’3 and walking with a confident swagger.
Mike. Jessica’s ex.
There were two other guys with him, but they didn’t seem too interested in what was going on, and were mostly looking around, bored, or talking to each other.
There was a slight break in the conversation as each member of the group noticed him, until Jessica turned to see what we were looking at. Her eyes narrowed as he stepped up to her.
“Hey guys.” he said, looking around the table.
There were a few non-committal grunts of greeting, but they were mostly silent. My heart had suddenly started pounding in my chest. I didn’t really know this guy. What had Jessica told him when she broke it off with him? Did she mention that there was someone else? Did he know that I was the reason he’d been dumped?
“Jessica, baby!” he said, as if surprised to see her, “How’ve you been?”
He said it lightly, but it felt like there was a shadow of anger behind his voice.
“What the fuck do you want, Mike?” she said.
Her voice was strong and unwavering, though not exactly hostile. Mike seemed a little taken aback at her response.
“Aw don’t be like that. What happened between us, baby? You used to be so sweet to me.” he said mockingly.
“Mike, just get the fuck out of here.” she said. “I dumped you more than a month ago. This is just sad.”
I glanced around the table, but no one seemed to really notice what was happening. Rose looked bored and was staring at her phone, occasionally smiling as she read her messages. Becky was reading, and Lissie was toying lazily with her food. Frank and Derek were both eating quietly. There was complete silence, and it was impossible for them not to have noticed what was happening, but none of them reacted. Did they really care so little for Jessica’s problems?
I looked back up to see Mike staring back at me.
“I don’t recognise this one.” he said, looking me over, “Is this the little faggot you’re with now?”
Jessica hesitated for a second.
“You really think you can handle a hot bitch like her?” he sneered at me, arrogance clear in his voice.
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