“Please…” she whispered. “You don’t need her.”
“Shut up!” I shouted. Just liked that, my anger flared up again, forcing my heart into a frenzy. I looked at the ground, and saw the belt hanging over the edge of the bed. I remembered my dark thoughts from earlier, and I grabbed it on an impulse.
I held it in my hands, staring at Jessica’s shaking, sobbing body. I folded it over and gripped the ends. Without any more thinking, I struck.
The leather met her ass with a ferocious snap. Her body leapt forward and she let out a shocked gasp. I didn’t care how much it hurt her, I just wanted to see it again. I hit her again, and again, using the strength of my whole body, grunting out with every swing. I hit her for disobeying me, for thinking she could control me, for making me doubt myself every time I saw her. I hit her for everything she’d ever done to me. I hit her with every ounce of rage that I had, until I had none left.
Suddenly the adrenaline that fuelled me dried up just as quickly as it had come, and I was left feeling utterly empty. Her ass was a mess, a deep, dark red that would obviously bruise. I looked at the belt in my hands, almost not recognising it. Had I really done this?
I threw the belt down in disgust, and ran my hands up into my hair. This is why I couldn’t lose control. I felt myself begin to panic. I’d never intended to hurt her like this. This was more than she could take, surely.
But then I noticed her pussy. It was dripping wet, and her thighs were soaked. I looked down, and my cock was as hard as it had ever been, pre cum already forming at the tip. We were both so ready.
I couldn’t handle this.
“Get up.” I said, my voice hoarse.
She looked back at me, her face soaked with tears.
“Get up. Get out.” I said.
She just stared at me.
“Get out!” I shouted, “Get the fuck out!” I grabbed her by the hair and pushed her off the bed.
I watched her just lie on the ground for almost a minute, rolled up in a sobbing ball. She slowly rose, not meeting my eye. She gathered her new bra and panties, and limped out of the room without looking back, closing the door softly behind her.
I didn’t sleep that night.
I tried over and over to forget what had happened, I tried to force myself to ignore the guilt and shame that I felt at hurting her like that. This was so much more than I’d intended.
I loaded up my laptop and tried to use the internet to distract myself, but nothing worked. I kept thinking of her tear stained face, the complete look of fear and pain in her eyes. And as much as I hated it, every single time I felt my dick stiffen at the memories. I hated myself, I hated her, I hated everything that had happened so far.
Eventually I realised that I wasn’t going to be able to ignore it, so I tried to deal with it. I brought the memories up, over and over until they lost their sting, until the guilt began to fade. But it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t long before the sun began to rise outside my window, and I still didn’t know what to do.
As I walked downstairs the next afternoon, I really didn’t know what to expect. Had she gone to Rose like that, crying and abused? I felt another pulse of guilt wash through me as I thought about her again. I’d hurt her so much. This was way beyond just playing with pain, or whatever we were doing. It had been brutal. Cruel. But at the same time, I couldn’t deny that there was still some part of me that had loved every single second of it. Even as I hated myself for hurting her like that, I felt my heart beat faster, and my cock twitch yet again at the memory.
I hadn’t gotten any sleep. I didn’t know what to do.
I walked into the kitchen to find Jessica standing beside the kitchen counter, staring at the TV. I stopped. She was wearing a worn out sweater that I recognised as one of Rose’s old ones, and a pair of sweatpants. Her eyes were glazed over, she wasn’t really paying attention. She still hadn’t noticed me. I continued walking, but she didn’t turn her head until I was almost beside her and I slid a stool out to sit on.
Her head snapped to the side and her eyes widened. She actually jumped back a little in fear, her arms curling up into an instinctive, defensive position. She looked exhausted. I sat down.
“Where’s Rose?” I asked.
She didn’t say anything at first. She was so terrified.
“She…” she started.
She didn’t continue for another few seconds.
“She went for a run. I told her I was sick…” she said.
I nodded and turned away from her. I had no idea what to say. Should I apologise? Or just act like it didn’t happen?
I turned back to her. She hadn’t stopped looking at me.
“I…” she started.
I didn’t react.
“I…I…” she stuttered.
“What is it, Jessica?” I said gently.
“I don’t know…if I can do this any more.” she said quietly, dropping her eyes.
My heart started thumping in my chest. I struggled to keep my expression neutral as a hundred different emotions rose up in me; anger, fear, sympathy, and of course, the ever present guilt.
I stayed silent.
“I…” she said again.
She looked into my eyes again, before looking away.
“I thought I…could handle it, but…but I don’t know if I can…” she said.
“What do you mean?” I asked quickly.
She couldn’t handle the pain?
“You hate me!” she cried, meeting my eyes again. I could see tears welling up. “You’ve always hated me! And I knew that, but…but I thought it would change…or that I could deal with it…”
She looked down.
“I just…I love you so, so much and…” she started. Tears started to roll down her cheek. She wiped them away with her sleeves. “And…I don’t know what…what we’re doing here. You hurt me…but then you kiss me…and-”
“You told me you like it when I hurt you.” I interrupted.
“I do!” she almost shouted back, “It’s…it’s just all so fucked up! I mean, what are we doing here?”
She paused, her tears silently flowing, eyes downcast.
“Sometimes I think…the way you look at me…that you might… But then you want to be with someone else? With Becky?” she said, meeting my eye again. “I just don’t know what I am to you.”
She hadn’t even mentioned her punishment. After all I’d done to her, it was how I felt about her that mattered? It was our relationship she was worried about? After hurting like I had, it was talking about some other girl that she remembered?
I stood up and took a step towards her.
“Jessica…” I said, lifting her chin. “You’re saying…you want to know how I feel about you? You want to know what kind of relationship we have?”
She nodded, staring into my eyes.
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