I do what I can, to separate Kathryn thoughts, emotions and senses from my conscience. I am not that successful, and I try to meditate to place myself in a state in which I am separate even from my own body. It takes a while, because I have not done this in years. Now I not only have to separate myself my own body, but Kathryn’s as well.
It seemed like only an instant passes when Helen began shaking me, and I come out of my trance. Looking into her happy eyes, I know Amanda has arrived. Helen then leads me to the room reserved for Kathryn and I. Inside I find Sam and Crystal on the bed watching as Kathryn feeds Amanda. Kathryn smiles at seeing me and the large smile on my face. The two girls nearly tackle me once I walk into the room.
Sam asks, “Daddy where did you go?” Crystal shook her head indicated she had the same question.
I shrug my shoulders unsure of what she means but reply, “I was meditating so your Mommy could deliver Amanda without me interfering.” See the confused look I explain, “When I meditate I separate myself from even my own body. It is like I am not even alive anymore.”
Kathryn looks up and says, “Do not do that again. I actually felt lost without you. I am so glad you are back with me now.”
It may be due to the effect of the meditation, but even without touching Kathryn, I can get a sense of how it feels to nurse Amanda. Beforehand that would require direct contact to Kathryn. Perhaps that is only temporary or our bond is now stronger.
Despite all my meditation, I find that I am actually exhausted, with Sam and Crystal on my chest Kathryn giggles as my eyes closed and a three of us instantly fall asleep. I wake in the middle of the night, Amanda is moving in her crib, when I walk to it she is not yet awake, but she will be awake soon she is hungry. I realize I connect to Amanda much as I was to Kathryn a few years ago. I can since her surface thoughts, although they are very simple now. Things like hunger and thirst, the need for sleep or being uncomfortable, even the longing for touch seems to come through that connection.
Gently lifting my daughter from her crib, I hold her in my arms and walk to the nurses’ station for a bottle. The lights in the hall or the movement awakes Amanda, and she begins to cry and search for a nipple. The nurse explains I need to take her back to her mother, because Kathryn listed breast-feeding only. Walking back into our room, Kathryn giggles before taking Amanda. Kathryn says, “You are going to have to wait until I have some bottles ready. Then you can feed Amanda at night.”
I marvel at this tiny little life given to us, Amanda’s hands are so small that when her hand wrapped around my finger it barely reached from tiny little thumb to her tiny fingers. Kathryn and my heart soar with love for our new daughter. Loving Amanda makes us love Sam and Crystal even more. It is strange how that works, the more love you have the stronger it becomes.
Sam and Crystal must have awoken, they each whisper as they watch their mother feeding their baby sister. I pull the two back into my lap, and caress my two older daughters. I looked down into their eyes and smile, kissing them on the forehead I say, “I love you too, that will never change. I am having a new experience with Amanda. It is not that I love you any less than her. Babies do need a lot of attention, they cannot help themselves, they cannot eat by themselves, and they cannot change their own diaper or take a bath. My big girls, you will get to help to all those things with Amanda and all your other little sisters.”
Sam and Crystal look into my eyes before Sam says, “You mean I have to change stinky diapers.”
Trying not to chuckle I say, “Not very often, but I am sure I will need your help once in a while.”
Crystal giggles and says, “We will take turns Sam, when we need to.” Amanda grunts as she fills her diaper, and the two girls giggle. I realize I will be changing a diaper shortly, once we have allowed enough time for Amanda to finish.
By the time Amanda needs changed, the girls have fallen back asleep and I am not going to wake them up to help me now. I got the diaper, the diaper wipes and I took Amanda over to a changing table, Kathryn is watching as I gently remove the soiled diaper, once the cool air contacts her skin, Amanda urinates. Recovering her with the diaper to allow the diaper to absorb it, now with her tiny bladder empty I change her diaper. I removed the diaper from between her legs then use the wipes to clean her skin, placed a clean diaper under her and use another diaper wipe to ensure that she is completely clean before adding a small amount of baby powder. Then attach the tapes for her new diaper into place. I pull down her sleep shirt then rewrap her in her blanket.
Holding her in my arms Amanda is warm and comfortable, she has a full stomach, and she seems to fall back asleep immediately. What comes to mind is the more they sleep the faster they grow. I bring her back to her mother, Kathryn smiles brightly at me, as I hand her Amanda. Kathryn had a need to hold her, and to look into her face as she slept.
My arm goes across Kathryn shoulders, as I gently sat down next to her and we both watch our daughters sleep and wish them sweet dreams. Only a few moments later a light tap is at our door, and Marshall sticks his grinning face in, he says, “How is my baby niece?”
I whisper, “Just getting back to sleep. How is my baby nephew?”
Marshall smiles then in a whisper replies, “Doing the same thing, sleeping and growing. Misty, MJ and I will come by in the morning to visit. We are next door by the way.”
Kathryn whispers, “I am looking forward to meeting MJ, see you in the morning.”
Marshall softly closes the door behind him. Exhaustion is hitting Kathryn, and I take Amanda back to her crib and gently place her back covering her in her blankets. Kathryn is lying on her side watching Amanda as she sleeps. Kathryn’s eyes become heavy and joy feels her heart as she falls asleep.
Coming back into bed, Sam and Crystal scoot back onto my chest and I caress their backs. I quietly whisper, I love you my big girls.
Sam and Crystal both whisper, “I love you too Daddy.”
I am half-awake at various times when the nurses check on Amanda and Kathryn. We get more than a couple giggles at seeing how we sleep. Sam and Crystal cuddle together while sleeping on my chest. Kathryn is holding my hand as she faces Amanda who sleeps in her crib just within arm’s distance.
The nurses try to be as quick and quiet as they possibly could, they do not wish to disturb our three princesses. I know morning is coming, the three girls are becoming ravenous, and I realize I not only can sense Amanda, but both Sam and Crystal. Maybe that is how I was always able to be at Crystal and Sam’s bedside when they woke from a nightmare.
Perhaps my training or the experience I am having with Kathryn has awakened a portion of my mind that allows being empathetic, the ability to feel their emotions. Another possibility is being connected to Kathryn like I am we get the benefit of each of our abilities, acting like to receivers that senses the wants and needs of our daughters. A second possibility could simply be, I was hungry as they are in my subconscious is telling me that.
Does not change the fact that we missed dinner last night, and I know the girls will be ravenous. I hope the stories, on how bad hospital food is, are incorrect. With the snow outside, I doubt I could find a restaurant open, and I am hopeful that the kitchen staff was able to make it in to work today.
I should not have worried, Ron comes in pushing a cart full of trace, Reese, Daniel, Kara and Cindy follow him, Daniel has a folding table that he sets up, and a couple nurses bring folding chairs they only sit them down then leave. Ron leaves for a moment, he returns with Marshall, Misty and MJ. Daniel leaves for a moment to and brings in a second table, the large room now seems crowded with the additional tables and chairs.
Marshall carried in the crib, while MJ was in Misty’s arms. I walked up to Misty and looked down into my nephew’s face. I know he is truly not my nephew, although for most of his young life he will call me uncle. If our premonition is correct, about his sophomore year he and Amanda will discover each other in a different way. Well they will want a different kind of relationship from the way they grew up.
Reese and Kara are setting out the trays, as Marshall and I help our wives to the table. With everyone seated, I notice six empty chairs that is when MC brings Rosy, Allen and Anna in. That confuses me because, should not Allen and Anna be with Uncle George and Alyssa. MC sees my question and answers before I ask, “Uncle George and Alyssa along with your Mom, Michelle, Karen, Joan, Johnny, Jim, Helen and Michael are helping in the kitchen, they are rather shorthanded because of the storm. Charles and Jane will be in shortly there delivering food to the nurses’ stations.”
Almost as soon as MC finishes her statement, Charles and Jane stroll in to our room. A smile crosses their face looking at the babies.
Charles brought a third table, and the nurses follow him again and bring in chairs. The nurses give Jane a hug. Before they leave, they think her for bringing their breakfast. Jane returns their hugs and says you are welcome to each thank you.
Charles remarks, “For a small community, this is one of the better hospitals I have visited. I have been at far too many hospitals, either visiting my friends or there for treatments.”
Ron has a faraway look before he says, “I remember you coming to visit me. I really was not in the mood that did not stop you.” Then giving his friend a smile, Ron says, “You turn my mood around, I never thanked you for that. It was the first step of my recovery. Thank you my friend.”
Reese gives Charles look that I am not sure if, then a smile crosses her face. She says to Charles, “Charles is that why you had me be Ron’s adjutant while he was stuck in the hospital. You knew how we felt about each other?”
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