“It wouldn’t surprise me,” I said, before I placed my hand just above my ear. “I’ve had it up to here with her. Every month or so she pops up with some other crusade.”
“Set them free! Set them free!” the three girls chanted in unison, while Shabby began spinning in circles and clapping her hands. She approached a number of the baffled onlookers, trying to gee them up and encourage them to join in, however, most looked uncomfortable by her antics, and more and more were quietly moving to other areas of the zoo. The girls’ language was atrocious, and each time one of them used profanity to make their point, I’d note a look of disgust before a few more of the crowd headed off to other areas of the zoo. I was already bracing for an influx of bad reviews all over the web, even though we hadn’t done anything wrong.
“Haven’t you had enough of this already?” I said. “Haven’t you ever heard of a peaceful protest? I don’t mind you standing outside and waving your signs around, but it’s not cool that you’ve trespassed in here and you’re bothering paying customers. This is private property, and you have no right to be here.” When that only seemed to annoy them further, I tried a more diplomatic approach. “I get it. You’re passionate about animal rights, and I respect your opinions, but please, there’s kids around here.”
“Exactly,” one mother said. “Have you heard yourselves and the disgusting things you’re saying? I don’t want my children hearing that kind of language.”
“But you’re happy to bring them here and promote animal captivity?” Shabby said all nonchalantly. “That makes you quite the hypocrite, doesn’t it? Why don’t you take them somewhere where they can learn about saving the environment and the importance of sustainability?” She curled her lip and blew a few strands of her straw-like green hair out of her eye.
“Not this lot again,” Hank said as he approached, cattle-prod in hand. He waved it around intimidatingly, which only seemed to scare a few of the nearby kids. “Aren’t you girls tired of this yet? How much time have you wasted coming here this year?”
“I’ll keep coming here until you finally wake up and listen,” Shabby said, before she eyed the cattle prod. “And if you stick me with that thing, then you’ll be hearing from my lawyer.”
Hank snorted, before he turned to me. “Get a load of this one,” he said. “What a hypocrite. I bet she’s straight on the phone to the police when she’s been inconvenienced in some way.”
“It wouldn’t surprise me,” I said tiredly, and then feeling emboldened as I clearly had the guests on my side, I figured it was about time I riled up the hornet’s nest. “Is everyone fed up of her and her ilk as much as I am?” I called out, and I was thankful to see a number of guests loudly agree.
“Screw you all,” Shabby said while flicking up two fingers. “You can all go fuck yourselves, you bunch of animal abusers.”
“Ma’am,” Hank said. “That’ll be enough of that sort of language.” Before I could stop him, he’d placed a hand on Shabby’s shoulder. “Let’s get you out of here.”
“Ouch,” Shabby shrieked, and then as we all looked on, she kind of flailed back, grabbing her shoulder, before she dropped to one knee and rolled onto the floor. She was wearing some kind of jump-suit, and it immediately was covered in dust as she made a show of rolling multiple times. “He assaulted me,” she wailed into the megaphone while laid out on the cobbled floor. “You all saw it. He assaulted me.”
“We saw it,” one of the other girls said as they ceased their annoying placard dance. “We’re witnesses. He totally assaulted her.”
“I’m pressing charges,” Shabby whined from the floor. “You’ve just made a huge mistake.”
I walked closer, and then I looked at Hank and shook my head with frustration. “Did you not see that coming?” I said while Shabby continued with her theatrics. She was groaning and whining while laying there without a single graze or bruise. “Please, don’t touch her again. It’s obvious she’s going to do whatever it takes to make this a mountain out of a molehill.” I then placed my hands on my knees, before I leaned down and addressed her with patronising patience. “Ma’am,” I said, in a slow and measured voice, trying to be as a clear as possible so anyone in close proximity could see how reasonable I was being. “Please would you get up.” I looked around at the parents that were still watching. “Everyone witnessed your theatrics and you’ll get no supporters from anyone here.” As all of the remaining bystanders nodded, Shabby suddenly stopped her flailing and sat up. There was dust all over her face and in her green hair from where she’d been rolling around so embarrassingly. “That’s much better,” I said. “Now, could we all start behaving like adults, please, Ma’am?”
Shabby was still clutching the megaphone as she remained sitting on the floor, and then she glanced around at the observing crowd. That horrid bull-ring style piercing dangling from her nose twinkled as she spun her head, and then her lips quivered as if she was spluttering and lost for words. Her cheeks seemed to brighten as she became more annoyed, until eventually she swung the megaphone up and embarked upon another tirade. “Did you just assume my gender?” she shrieked. “I thought this place was bad enough, but I didn’t realise you were this bigoted.”
“I didn’t assume anyone’s gender,” I said while standing up straight. I noted that a few of the bystanders were rolling their eyes, though looking awkward and as if they didn’t want to get involved. “I…I don’t even know what that means,” I said as I looked over her gangly body sitting on the floor. Her green hair, obscenely dyed a neon hue, was dried-out and lifeless in its neglected and abused texture.
“You assumed my gender,” Shabby persisted. “How dare you! I identify as non-binary. Who the hell do you think you are calling me something as outdated and presumptuous as ‘ma’am’?” She punched one fist into the floor, before she clumsily climbed to her feet while juggling the megaphone. “You all saw it,” she yelled while pointing at Hank. “This man assaulted me,” she said accusingly, and then her finger danced over to my direction. “And this woman assumed my gender.”
“Didn’t you just assume their genders?” a middle-aged woman quipped from the crowd, and instantly my green-haired accuser’s face flushed over a deep red.
“That’s…that’s not the point,” Shabby stuttered into the megaphone, her agitated breaths amplified along with the drivel she was spouting. “Don’t try and interrupt me with something that doesn’t even matter.” She then cleared her throat, before pointing at the enclosure behind me. “We’re here to stop these animals being abused. Surely, you’re all in favour of that or are you disgusting animal abusers?”
The middle-aged woman pursed her lips, clearly annoyed at being manipulated in such a way, which left me to speak up as the voice of authority again. “Do you realise that we actually saved the lives of most of these animals?” My eyes were wide as I craned my neck towards her, trying to instil some sense of reason through her ignorant blubbering. “They were either neglected or at risk of extinction. Some of them are victims of eco-system destruction and environmental erosion due to human expansion, and this compound provides them with the necessary safety and consistency that they need. They flourish under familiarity and routine, and within these walls, they’re provided with that. They’re well fed, cared for, and we have the best veterinarians and medications at our disposal.”
“Exactly,” she said. “Their environments were destroyed. By humans. By people”—she pointed at me before loudly shrieking into the megaphone—”like you.”
I let out another impatient sigh as I crossed my arms. I flicked my eyes to our guests, then took a moment to calm myself. I stood tall, convinced that my maturity and cool exterior would win outright. “I don’t disagree with you, but you’d be better off protesting outside of the government building. Perhaps you could join an official animal rights body, but I don’t see how having a political debate with me here is doing your case any good, is it? Do you expect me to change the law regarding international corporations and their expansionism? Maybe you could try pressuring the government to amend animal rights legislation, because honestly, honey, you’re barking up the wrong tree.”
“Do not call me honey,” she growled.
“You’re preaching to the converted here,” I said. “Why do you think I come here every day on such a paltry wage? Because I’m an animal lover myself.” I waved at all of the enclosures behind me. “I look at these animals as my children.”
“Would you lock your children in a cage?” she said, while completely missing the point I was trying to make. It was definitely a debate worthy of having, but she was just having it in the wrong place and with the wrong audience. There was literally nothing I could do about anything she was enraged about. I looked after the animals. That was it. I wasn’t the owner of the zoo, and I wasn’t in control of animal rights laws.
“I don’t have any children,” I said. I dropped my hands to my hips. “But, if I did, I’d put a gate on the stairs, for instance. To stop a child injuring themselves. I’d push them around in a trolley. I’d strap them into a car seat. I’d keep them safe and out of harm’s way.” I flicked a thumb over my shoulder. “The same way I do with these beautiful creatures.”
“That’s…that’s….that’s not the point,” Shabby said, and I groaned in frustration.
I was about to say something else, when Hank decided to interject again. “What’s that in your nose, anyway?” he said with a chuckle, while pointing towards her face with the tip of the cattle prod. “You sympathise with the cattle so much that you’re trying to look like one?” I looked towards Hank and tried to urge him to stop with my eyes, but he was relentless. “Who the hell thinks it’s fashionable to walk around with a bull ring hanging from their nose? I’m telling, you the youth of today have completely lost their way. They’re all idle, wasting too much money on avocado on toast and coffees filled with sugar. They should spend a little time trying to actually make it in life, instead of wasting their afternoons making everyone else’s lives as difficult as possible.” Hank was smirking, and continued to wave the prod in the girl’s direction. “Seriously, from over here, it looks like you have a huge booger dangling from your nose.”
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