I’m sure to Maddie I looked like the bad guy, and I was going to get an earful later, but Cameron was talking as if what he did was in his distant past. The last girl I heard about him ruining was around a couple weeks ago, and that was the last one I heard about. I didn’t exactly ride the gossip train to hear about this stuff. The last thing I needed was to let him worm his way into my trust. I would be the first woman to tell him no.
***
“Honestly, yeah, the fact he tried to play that off like that’s some former version of him is a major red flag,” Heather admitted.
“Thank you! Holy shit,” I relished the small victory.
Maddie rolled her eyes and said nothing.
Heather continued. “Like, trying to show that he’s taken accountability and is willing to listen is such a double bluff move.”
“So what’s the difference between a guy that’s actually willing to learn and a guy that just says he is?” Maddie thought out loud.
“His actions,” I finished the thought, and Heather nodded along. “Words are great, especially when a guy knows how to use them, but they’re… just words.” I closed my book so I could look Maddie in the eye. None of us took going to the school library too seriously anyway. “He lured sex out of a girl by pretending he wanted a relationship and then tossing her to the curb after she gave her virginity to him like three weeks ago. Three weeks. You got that fucking phone four weeks ago, and you keep telling us it feels like it’s still new, Maddie.”
Maddie looked uncomfortable. “What girl?”
“I didn’t recognize the name. Point is-”
“Maybe it’s not real,” Maddie offered. “Maybe the story was exaggerated.”
Heather looked at her. “Have you got a thing for him or something?”
“No, I just want to believe that people can be good! That’s not a crime!” Maddie protested.
I kept an even tone, remembering the last time. “It’s true, gossip is unreliable and it’s unlikely every story is a hundred percent true. But do you know what’s even more unlikely? Every story being exaggerated or wrong. There’s like, dozens of them.”
“Alright, alright,” Maddie conceded. “But if he turns around soon, I get to say I told you so.”
I laughed. “If fucking Cameron Miracle turns around soon, whatever ‘turning around’ even means, I’ll throw you a parade.”
Maddie blinked at me. “Turns it around,” she corrected herself after a pause. “Like, his act. Turns his act around.”
I nodded.
“You know,” Heather began in a singsong voice, “The best way to get boys to stop looking at you is get yourself a boyfrieeeend…”
“I shouldn’t need a boyfriend to get him to see reason,” I argued. “If the only reason he’d leave me alone is because I’ve got another boy, that’s actually more fucked up.”
“You just really want Jacqueline to finally get a boyfriend, don’t you?” Maddie giggled.
Heather nodded with a smile. “It’s your year, Jacq. You’ve got these mature college boys, like, all around you, and when you’re not putting on that pout, a lot of them probably get neck cramps from looking at you all the time.”
“Mmm. Pain. Good,” I mused, opening up my book again.
Maddie put a finger to her forehead and pointed another at me, doing a faux fortune-teller act. “I seeeee…” she began in some kind of accent. “You living with a dozen cats in your future!”
All three of us smiled at that, with Heather giving a light chuckle. “Hey, suits me,” I replied. “As long as I can invite you over sometimes to pet them. You’d like them, they’re soft.”
“Already planning for the future, are you?” Heather asked jokingly.
“We’re in college, who isn’t?” I asked.
***
“Thanks again,” I said with a kind, polite tone. “I had a fun time tonight.”
The boy smiled back at me shyly and chuckled. “Yeah, me too!” he replied enthusiastically. “Did you want to maybe plan for a second date..?”
I pretended to mull it over, then sighed. “Do you want the nice answer or the realistic one?”
“…Is the realistic one mean? Did I do something wrong?” he asked nervously.
“No, you’re okay,” I soothed him. “It’s a me thing, not a you thing.”
He donned a sheepish smile. “That’s what they all say.”
I didn’t like when boys said that. If a guy told me that every woman he meets gives them ‘the speech,’ that only let me know he was the type to warrant that speech often, which meant either he happened to always be around toxic people, or he was the problem. One could easily guess which one was more likely.
Still, I went along with it. “Don’t worry, I’m not saying I didn’t enjoy it. You’re a cool guy, and I’m sure you’d be a great fit for someone, but I’m not too sure if I’m into dating. I think I kind of rushed into it because my friends wanted me to, but… I’m just not ready for it. I went out tonight to see if I felt any different, but… I can’t lie to myself about my feelings. And that’s not on you at all, you’re a good guy.”
“Well… I can wait for you! I mean, we can go as slow as you want,” he protested.
My polite smile faded. “It’s not about that, I just don’t feel right doing it at all.”
“What about it doesn’t feel right?” he asked.
“Um, I don’t really have the words for it…” I replied uneasily. “Why?”
“Oh, I’m just thinking, maybe there’s a way we can work around it, you know, get what we both want and stuff,” he replied with a shy smile.
“What I want is to be single and not tied down by a guy,” I replied a little stiffly. “Sorry.”
“Well, uh, maybe, if you wanted, you can still be single and we can do this more casually…” he offered suggestively.
“I’m not interested in that,” I told him flatly.
“Jeez, you’re really not giving me much to work with,” he replied with a chuckle, as if this whole situation was funny.
“I’m not trying to give you anything to work with,” I told him. “I’m explicitly telling you that I don’t want anything to do with a boy, and you don’t appear to be taking that well.”
He gave me a look like I slapped him across the face. “Um, jeez,” he mumbled. “That’s kind of presumptuous. I was just asking.”
I nodded. “After I told you I wasn’t interested. But now you know.”
“But like, I was just-”
I held up my hand to stop him. “I told you no. Can we please just go from there?” My tone approached pleading at this point.
His look darkened. “This is why I’m always worried about pouring my heart out to a girl, because then they just turn around and do this.”
I didn’t even have the energy to give him a look of incredulity. Instead I just rolled my eyes, turned around, and started to make the walk back home, ignoring the no doubt litany of things the boy had to say to me as I reached into my pocket and pulled out my headphones.
Three dates in five months, and two of them ended exactly like this. Boys were so insecure. Granted, the other guy took it really well. That should have been the standard and not the exception, but given the circumstances, I was grateful. We even hung out two times since. I would never hang out with this boy again in my life if I could help it. I didn’t get how guys didn’t get that. We were adults in college, for God’s sake. Sometimes I wished I was a lesbian or at least bi, that would have made things easier. But nope, I was straight as an arrow, which meant I was stuck in the nightmare world of having to find a boy to like.
As soon as I got back to my dorm, I texted Heather and Maddie to let them know the news – though they were probably expecting it – then sighed and flopped down on my bed.
Truth be told, I totally would have settled down with the right man. It was easier to tell my friends I didn’t need to date, rather than the complicated answer of, ‘while at times I feel ambivalent about having a life partner, I’d enjoy spending my college years romantically tied to a boy that communicates openly and demonstrates he knows and supports my goals and desires without feeling like he has a chokehold on me or owns me or something.’ Too many words.
People sucked sometimes. I was so glad that I paid a little extra to have my own dorm room. In here, I was in my sanctuary. No one could bother me, not without my consent. I had the power to let people in, or keep them out, and I would keep it that way.
I shifted over to laying on my side and eyed my wand, staring at it for a few seconds before understanding what I needed. I didn’t masturbate that often, but when I did, it was more because I was frustrated than anything. Like, ‘let me show the world what someone else missed out on by being a dumbass tonight.’
And ‘show the world’ was right. My wand vibrator wasn’t the quietest thing on the planet, to the extent where it was very possible that both of my neighboring dorms could hear the buzzing, if not also the moaning. I didn’t really learn how to be quiet, and that was a bad habit I kept in college.
I started slow, as I always did, turning the wand on and starting around my inner thighs, moving my hips around to complement the delicate motions. I always liked to tease my body with my wand, only letting myself barely feel the vibrations at first.
My chest rose and fell as my breaths got more shallow. I didn’t have the most impressive breasts in the world – I was the only one in my friend group that could go without a bra and not feel the consequences for the rest of the day – but I really liked the way my nipples looked, and the way they felt. I took my wand and moved them over my breasts, moaning out loud with no shame as I felt them brush against my hardening nipples. I loved that feeling. I was going to be so happy when I could find a guy that had a talented tongue.
I moved my wand back down to my thighs, allowing it to get closer and closer to my poor aching clit. It begged for release, and I was growing impatient. With the slightest touch, I moved my wand and arched my back. Closer… closer…
Impact.
I moaned as soon as I felt the vibrations on my clit. Loudly. Carnally. My friends wouldn’t recognize the voice that came out of my mouth.
“Oh, fuck yes!”
I ground my clit against the wand, used at this point to how it felt. At first I still had to wear my panties when using the wand, the impact felt that strong. Now, my clit was strong. It could take much more, and I wanted to give it more. I wanted to push myself to the absolute sexual limit. At that moment, I swear, I would have done anything dirty.
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