Cameron turned back to me and caught my glance, and I thought his smile would wane. It didn’t. He studied my expression as if he realized a serious error, not as if he was caught being the scumbag he was. “In fact, Maddie, why don’t you come along?” he asked, not taking his eyes off of mine. “Keep me accountable. Plus, I think I’ll need someone to let Jacqueline here know that my intentions the whole time were honorable.”
Maddie gave a stupid little giggle that made me roll my eyes. She could be such a ditz. Heather turned back to look at me, and even with Cameron watching, I shook my head no seriously.
She turned back to him and seemingly weighed her options. “I’ll have to think about it, okay?”
“Hey, that’s all I can ask,” he replied like the proverbial gentleman. I didn’t bother to see what else they had to say before I started walking away.
He was the god damn personification of red flags. Why the fuck were my best friends letting him in so easily? Why the fuck did he have to enter our friend group like this? It was maddening. I had to do something.
***
I couldn’t do anything. I tried, and I never let up with him, but I could not do a damn thing. Cameron was just accepted into our friend group, just like that. I did feel reassured that virtually any time he was with Maddie, Heather was there – and both of them swore that he was well-behaved the whole time. I even took Heather with me into the next room at one point and confirmed Cameron was never alone with Maddie for too long. I knew this was probably his plan, but I was getting exhausted. Caring was exhausting, as was being vigilant.
I had a worry in the pit of my stomach that he calculated that. He knew, correctly so, that no one could keep thinking about him and talking about him for too long. Eventually, I’d let my guard down, and that would be when he broke Maddie’s heart, or even Heather’s.
I didn’t get Heather. I thought she mostly came down on my side. Even if she acknowledged Cameron was cute to her or whatever, she seemed oddly chill with him, basically as soon as he sat down at our table. If he also charmed his way into my heart when he sat down, or even attempted, I’d at least understand her. But… he didn’t. He only gave me more red flags. I straight-up didn’t understand what made Heather instantly let her guard down for him.
So a few times I asked, and I either got a blank expression or a confused one. She never gave me an answer. She never understood the question. It was not reassuring, to say the least. And to make matters worse, this was the extent of my social life.
I was seeing boys more often if anything. And that’s what they were – boys, not men. Boys masquerading as men, pretending to fit the physiques and majors they paraded around. Some were easier on the eyes. Some weren’t. I tried tough boys, sensitive boys, even writers, for God’s sake, writers.
It always ended the same way. With me, on my back, annoying the neighbors with my loud sex moans, delicately dancing my vibrating wand over my aching clit. Alone. Wishing I could find a guy that I could just put up with past a second date. When I first came to college I told myself I would only have sex with a man if I stayed with him beyond a few months. Now? I was desperate. If he could make it to the third date, I’d do it.
Still, it wasn’t like I needed a man. I had enough cocky masculinity hanging over me, nearly day-to-day at this point. Maybe I should have just seen the emerging pattern and made my peace with it. I could marry my work and cheat on it with my vibrator. I’d probably be happier that way, anyways.
***
“…And now that we’re in an age of surveillance, the ideas of Foucault are more important than ever,” Cameron gushed.
“That’s so amazing,” Maddie replied, her mouth hanging open in true awe of the sheer brilliance of Cameron. It was a wonder she wasn’t drooling. Heather was more reserved than Maddie’s open worship of the boy, but she was clearly also transfixed on his gospel.
“And his ideas influence so much of the world today: how we see mental health, how we see power and revolution, or resistance to power, and how we see sexuality.”
I shot him a look when he said that word, and annoyedly, I could see he was already looking back at me.
Nevertheless, he blushed. “He’s just so important, and it’s crazy I never learned about him until I took philosophy.”
“I would have thought a guy like you would have been interested in philosophy for a long time,” I replied, feeling I should say something. The guy looked like someone who charmed girls by quoting Marx instead of hyper-masculine things like shooting guns and drinking beer, or even niche things like riding skateboards.
“Oh, I was,” he admitted proudly. “I just really got into Foucault this year. He’s just so good at looking at the real, not just the abstract, you know?”
“Cameron gets so passionate about his journey through life,” Maddie gushed to me. “Like, he actually follows through with it. Like, for example, he’s a minimalist, and you should see it. His room has nothing but his bed in it. It’s so zen! Nothing but the necessities. I dunno, it’s just so mind-blowing to actually see it!”
Cameron laughed in agreement. “So many guys want to say they’re minimalist, but do they put in the effort?” he asked the two. They simply shook their heads. “Right, they just say it because it sounds nice. Well, it feels even nicer to actually do it. It’s actually a lot like Foucault. So many of his contemporaries thought of abstract terms in a vacuum, but he developed his philosophies based on what people were actually saying. That’s real philosophy, you know?”
Christ. I was going to actually vomit. It didn’t help that Maddie audibly sighed after hearing him. I didn’t say anything and kept reading my book as he let the words sink in, but evidently, he didn’t like the silence. “Say, whatcha reading there, Jacq?”
“My name is Jacqueline,” I replied firmly. “A book for class.”
“Yeah, but, what’s it about?” he pressed on.
“I won’t know until I really get into it,” I replied honestly. “I don’t like thinking I know things until I’ve fully understood the message.”
“Ooh, you must hate philosophy then,” he joked with a grin.
“Kinda, yeah,” I replied honestly. Philosophy, at least in college, was usually just a tool students used to sound smart anyway. People would just quote old dead guys and apply it to modern-day life, as if that itself was profound. Most of the time they didn’t even get what the philosophers were saying.
Cameron was the king of this. He’d quote Marx at least once every few days or so, and talk about how his ideas were so radical and then… go on to show he knew nothing about Marx’s ideas. I had to read Capital for a class at one point, and it was clear he did not.
Cameron lost his smile, mostly. A remnant of it remained on his face. That was like his face’s version of neutral. “Well, it’s not for everyone. I just like the ambiguity of it.”
“Mm,” I replied disinterestedly, going back to my book.
“You know, I swear I read the exact same book for a class of mine once,” he said, voice brimming with curiosity. “Do you mind if I…?” He reached for the book, his hand outstretched towards the spine of the book, where my hand was.
I moved the book to the side. “Do you mind? I’m reading. I’m sure the library has multiple copies,” I said sternly.
He stared at me for a few seconds, his smile gone completely. “Can we… talk? You know, like, alone for a second?”
“No thanks,” I replied.
He turned to Maddie and Heather, then gestured towards me. “I think I need to speak with Jacqueline alone for a bit, maybe clear out some of this tension. I feel like I won’t be able to be as vulnerable if everyone is here, so could you give us, like, five minutes?”
I eyed them. “I’d prefer if they stay.”
“I think we should have this conversation,” Cameron replied in a new tone. It wasn’t unfriendly, but until now, he had this ‘nah, don’t worry about it’ casual tone to his voice, like the facade of a joke. Here, he was deadly serious. “I want to hang out with the group more often and right now, it’s clear you and I don’t see eye to eye.”
“Sorry, but that’s not my problem,” I replied. “I made it clear from the beginning that I didn’t want you in this group.”
“Yeah, but we do.”
I put down my book. Maddie stared at me, having just stood up to me. I could see frustration in her eyes. Maddie was standing up to me. It was clear that Cameron was getting to her, and clearly, in the battle for her esteem, I was losing. “We?” I repeated.
I turned to Heather, who meekly shrugged. “Well, he’s hanging around us anyway, and, I mean, if he and Maddie and I are going to hang out after class in our dorms… it would be cool if you guys put this behind you. You know, so it could be all of us.”
“…I’ve made it clear, crystal clear, to you two that I don’t feel comfortable hanging around with him. And now you want me to just get over it? What if I refuse?” My chest was rising and falling. This was completely ridiculous. They’d always respected my boundaries in the past.
Heather shrugged again. “I just think you two should talk it out. I think, objectively, it’s a good idea.”
That wasn’t objective at all. “So what, because you two like him now, I don’t get to have my boundaries?” I asked angrily. “No. Absolutely not. Sorry.”
The two looked at him, then at me, and then to my utter shock, got up and gathered their things. “We’ll come back when you two have talked,” Maddie informed me. “And if you don’t talk, we’ll wait for you.”
I sputtered. “So, what, if I refuse to talk to him, you won’t talk to me until I do?!”
“Yes,” Maddie said, deadpan, looking me right in the eye. My breathing got erratic with discomfort. This wasn’t fair. With my eyebrows in a V, I watched them leave.
Cameron watched them leave, then turned to me. “I think we sh-”
“Shut the fuck up,” I ordered, gathering my things. I needed to chase after them. This couldn’t be happening.
Just as I got up, he stood up with me, grabbing my wrist with urgency. His thumb barely scraped my palm, and I felt a jolt run through me.
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