“Hey, don’t get the wrong idea. It’s not like I’m a sex addict, or that I sleep around. I’ve had sex with three boyfriends, not some anonymous army of guys. I broke up with the last one in April. But enough about me. What’s your story?”
“What do you mean, my story?” I was not at all comfortable with this conversation.
“How many girls have you slept with? And do you have a girlfriend now?”
I didn’t want to answer, but Cassie was staring at me and clearly expected me to respond. “Zero and no,” I whispered.
“Really?” Cassie exclaimed, sitting back in her chair. “You’re a virgin? Like, on purpose? Because you’re a good looking guy. I’d expect that you would have had a girlfriend or two in high school.”
“No, not on purpose. It’s just the way things worked out.” I explained to her about the farm and the demands on my time. “I guess any social life just took a back seat.” I obviously didn’t mention the locker room incident that put me into self-imposed isolation my senior year.
“Huh. I guess I can see that. But you have ‘flown solo’ right?” she said, winking at me.
Again, I didn’t want to answer, but I couldn’t help but respond. “Um, yes, I fly solo.”
“Well good for you. Don’t worry, I’m sure the college scene will present some opportunities. In any case, sorry about the whole thing Saturday. I have to run. You’re in Intro Psych right? We’ve got a study group for the test next week. Want to join?”
“Yes, but I can’t tonight. My roommate’s intramural basketball team is short a player and I promised him I’d fill in.”
“We’re meeting every day this week. I’ll email you our schedule. Join when you want,” she replied, grabbing her backpack as she stood up from the table.
I watched as she made her way out the cafeteria. I marveled at how confident she was in her own skin. I was also amazed at how she managed to get me to open up. It seemed effortless for her. I mean, I admitted to her that I masturbated in our first extended conversation ever. I wasn’t embarrassed as much as intimidated by how she had driven me to tell her very personal details.
For the next couple of weeks, I hung out with Cassie a lot. She introduced me to her roommate, Stephanie, who had a boyfriend from high school who went to a different college. Stephanie was a polar opposite of Cassie. She was much, much more quiet. I don’t think she was all that shy, just more reserved. She was taller than Cassie, probably five foot six, with straight, jet black hair that she wore in a short style up off her shoulders. She had a pale complexion, and dark brown eyes. She looked like she was a ballet dancer with long legs and a flatter chest. We all kind of became study buddies, either in the Psych group, or just walking to the library with other kids from our dorm floor. I also joined Cassie’s crowd for meals pretty regularly.
One Friday night, Cassie and I walked back together from dinner alone. We were both caught up with studying and it felt good to take a night away from hitting the books When we got to her door, Cassie asked me if I wanted to come in and watch TV or something. “Steph went home to visit her parents this weekend, so we won’t be bothering her,” she said nonchalantly.
“Sure,” I said, completely oblivious to any signals that Cassie may have been sending.
She opened the door and we both dropped our backpacks on the floor. Instead of turning in the TV, Cassie fiddled with her phone and launched a playlist on her speaker.
“You can sit on my bed,” she said, as the first song began to play. It was a pretty, folksy duet by some group I’d never heard of. She turned around to face me and put her hands on her hips.
“Kyle, what do you think is going on here?” she said, cocking her head in a questioning pose.
“What do you mean?” I replied, feeling somewhat confused.
She sat on the bed very close to me and looked at me with those green eyes. “I need to know if you like me,” she said.
“Of course I like you Cassie,” I exclaimed. “Why would you think I didn’t?”
She moved her face close to mine, and I reflexively moved back. She hooked her index finger under my chin and pulled me back closer.
“Not as a friend. I meant, are you interested in me? Because I’ve been waiting for a while now, and it seems like I am going to have to make the first move.”
With that, she leaned forward and lightly kissed me on the lips, and then sat back and watched for my reaction. “So?” She asked quietly.
I was stunned. I didn’t know what to say. What kind of idiot was I? Not knowing I had a chance with Cassie. A complete idiot, that’s what kind. I felt my hands start to tremble and didn’t trust anything that might come out of my mouth, so I leaned forward and gave Cassie a kiss in return. She gave me a big smile.
“Okay then,” she said, laughing. “So we’re on the same page. That’s really good to know.” She put her arms around me and pulled me against her chest and kissed me harder. I felt the familiar tingle of a growing erection.
Our kissing became more passionate. She pushed her tongue into my mouth and sucked my lip into hers. She nuzzled against my neck and nibbled on my ears. I tried to follow her lead as best I could.
Cassie started to make little cooing sounds as we continued to make out. I was nearly fully hard, and started to wonder where this was going to lead. Then Cassie took my hand and looked up at me as she placed it on her breast. It was small and firm, and fit perfectly in my hand. I could feel her nipple poking out through the fabric of her shirt. Imagining what it must look like, I gently started to squeeze her breast as I started kissing her again. She let out a quiet moan. My penis was now hard as steel.
I didn’t notice Cassie lower her hand until I felt her try to wrap her fingers around the bulge in my pants. She gasped, and then reacted like she’d gotten stung by a bee.
“Oh my god!” she exclaimed, pulling her hand away and staring wide-eyed at the tent my erection was creating.
I didn’t know what to say or do, so I panicked. I got up quickly, grabbed my backpack and was out the door before Cassie could say anything else. I was right. I was abnormal. Justin had just been going along with it because he was my roommate. The first girl that ever touched my penis, and it scares her to death. I was almost in tears.
I ran from the dorm and just aimlessly walked around campus feeling horrible. Cassie called and texted me several times, but I ignored her. I didn’t think there was anything she could say that would make me feel better.
After an hour or so, I snuck back to my room. When I opened the door, I stopped in my tracks. Cassie was sitting on Justin’s bed.
“Justin let me in,” she said quietly. “He went over to the student Union to hang out. He won’t be back for an hour or two. Look Kyle, we have to talk. It hurts me that you wouldn’t answer your phone.”
I didn’t know what to say. I felt as low as I ever had. “I’m sorry Cassie. It’s just, I’m so embarrassed. I’m a freak.” I told her the whole high school story. And about all the girls giggling.
“So now you know why I’m a virgin,” I concluded.
“You don’t have anything to be embarrassed about Kyle. You aren’t a freak,” Cassie said earnestly. “It’s me who should be apologizing for my reaction. I have no excuse except that it took me by surprise. Your, um, size I mean. It IS big. But it isn’t abnormal. Big can be good. Haven’t you ever watched porn? It’s full of guys that are hung like a horse.”
“I’ve read a lot more porn than I’ve watched. Our internet sucked on the farm. And I either haven’t had the time, or Justin has been around since I’ve been here.”
“Well, lots of girls like them that way,” Cassie said. “The girls at your high school were probably laughing to hide their curiosity and their sexual insecurity. Trust me. I knew girls like that at my school too.”
“Do you… do you like them that way?” I mumbled, unable to look her in the eyes.
Cassie leaned forward on the bed and took my hands in hers. “I honestly don’t know. I’ve never been with a guy who was more than average size. But if you’re still interested in me, I’m still interested in you. Maybe more so,” she said, smiling as she gave my hands a little squeeze.
This time I was able to look her in the face. God her dimples were amazingly cute. “I’m really interested Cassie. And I’ll try not to do anything else that’s stupid.”
“Okay. Deal,” she said. She moved over to sit next to me on my bed and gave me a hug and a peck on the cheek.
“To be honest Kyle, now that everything is out in the open, I’d like to start over from scratch. I think we’ve had enough emotional interaction for one night, don’t you think? Steph is still gone tomorrow. Want to grab dinner and then go back to my room after? I’ll make it worth your while,” she said seductively as she gave me a kiss.
“Yeah. Sure,” I managed to blurt. Saturday night couldn’t come fast enough.
I was pretty useless all of Saturday. I did manage to get a workout done in the morning, but my attempts to study were a complete waste of time. I halfheartedly watched some football alone in my room, but my thoughts kept wandering to Cassie. The experience of squeezing her breast was seared into my brain. I turned off the TV and did some internet searching for videos of men with large penises. Cassie was right. There were a wide variety of professional and amateur videos of men with erections my size and even larger. You can never tell what is real and what is fake, but the women in the videos seemed to be enjoying their experience with them. I started to feel a bit more confident that the night was going to work out okay. Finally, it came time to pick up Cassie for dinner.
Our conversation over dinner was kind of awkward. I don’t think either one of us wanted do address the elephant in the room… that we were basically filling time until we went back to have sex. We each picked at the remnants of our meals and tried to make conversation. It really wasn’t working.
“Okay then,” Cassie said, taking the lead as usual. “What do you say we go back to my room and, HANG OUT.” She gave me a wink and a come hither look.
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