I didn’t know what to do, so I guess my instincts took over. I kissed her right back, just like she was kissing me. I got lost in the sensations, the scents, all of it. It all just felt right. When we stopped because we needed to breathe, I did something that neither one of us expected.
I started crying. Like a baby.
It was weird. I was standing there looking at her, with her blue eyes really bright and she had that big, beautiful smile and I just started shaking out of nowhere. Next thing I know, I’m bawling my eyes out and I can’t even breathe well enough to speak.
Tammy hugged me, rubbing my back and shoulders, and let me cry until I could get some control back. All of a sudden, I would feel like shit and start crying again. This went on for about an hour before I just ran out of steam.
At that point, all I could do was sit on the edge of the bed and stare at the floor. Then I started talking. And talking. Everything spilled out, coming like one giant run-on sentence. All of the anger, self-hate, and frustration, Everything came out over the course of thirty minutes or so.
Tammy sat there and listened. A couple of times, she had tears running down her cheeks. When I finally ran down, she brought me a glass of water and quietly suggested we get ready for bed. While she went into the bathroom to change into her t-shirt she slept in, I got undressed and got into bed. To my surprise, she got into bed with me, sliding over so she could lay against my right side. She moved my arm so that it was wrapped around her and she could lay her head on my chest. That’s how we fell asleep.
I woke up about 6:30 the next morning. I had to pee so I managed to slide out from underneath Tammy without waking her up. When I finished, I washed up a bit and brushed my teeth. When I came out of the bathroom, I thought she was still asleep so I sat down on the other bed and just watched her sleep. Turns out, she wasn’t asleep.
“Too early for this shit, come back to bed.” My sister had never been a morning person. This morning was no different.
I was torn. I knew now I was in love with Tammy. I wanted to be with her so badly but knew it wasn’t right for a number of logical and legal reasons. I felt like a fake and it would destroy what relationship we had managed to rebuild when she found out I wasn’t who she thought I was. She rolled over on her right side to look at me, patted the bed and pulled back the covers. It was so wrong but I did it anyway, because I wanted to and, quite honestly, felt I needed to. I slid into bed and lay on my back. She curled up against my left side with her head on my chest again. We lay like that for a while and then she shifted onto her stomach so we could look at each other.
She started talking, never breaking eye contact except to blink. “So now I know your secret. I know you think it’s horrible. It was hard on you and I’m sorry that we couldn’t get you to open up to us sooner. Now that you have, we have something to work on. Together.
“You don’t think you’re special but you are. Tom, your store manager? He came to the restaurant last week. He saw my name tag and asked if I was your sister. I said yes, I was. I thought — forgive me for this — he was going to tell me you flipped out on somebody or something just as bad.
“You know what he told me? Every year, they hire three seasonal employees for the garden center. Every year, they end up having to hire replacements because the first ones didn’t work out. This year? One guy quit, you picked up his hours. The other guy stopped showing up most of the time, you covered his hours, too. In the end, you were doing in less than 40 hours what they had been having to hire three people to cover 60 hours for. He’s been there five years and never seen that before. He loves the fact that all they need to do is point you at what needs to be done once and that’s it. You do it. Every. Day.
“That is special, Mitchell. You can’t teach that. We all see it even if you don’t.” She picked up her phone off the night table and opened up her photo album. “See this? This is a picture of you right after graduation. See how you look in this picture? Now look at this picture. Same guy. Except now you’re in fantastic shape, you look healthy. First picture? You never looked anybody in the eye. Never. Now? You’re so much more confident around people. You speak in complete sentences when you talk to them. Night and day.
“Guess what? I’ve got a secret, too. See this first picture? I love this guy, he’s my brother. The second picture? I’m in love with this guy. He was my brother before shit went bad for him and he’s back now.” She paused, letting me take the last sentence in. “In. Love. I know society says it’s wrong, the law says it’s wrong, but I don’t care. I have you back now and I’m not letting go this time.
“I want kids, Mitchell, if I can have them. But I don’t want them with just anybody. And not some guy that in 5, 10, 20 years decides my ass is too big, my boobs too saggy or I’m not as tight as his 20 something year old secretary who hasn’t pushed kids through her vagina yet. You aren’t the guy who does that. That’s why I want them with you.
“I got you here to seduce you, Mitchell. That’s what last night was going to be, the night I finally got what I really wanted. I wanted to bring you back here and fuck your brains out on this bed. I wanted you to tell me how much you love me. I know we love each other. Instead, I feel like I broke you again. I’m sorry.” She started to cry softly. I held her for a few minutes while I collected my thoughts.
“I’m sorry, too, Tam. We kissed and — it was so incredible. That was my first kiss. Ever. You didn’t break me. I got overwhelmed with things I’ve never felt before. All of this is new to me. Spending time with you feels good, I forget what it was like before.
“I’m also scared. Scared that I’ll go back to the way I was. Afraid of what happens when everyone finds out about us. They will, eventually. Then what? It’s all a lot for me to deal with.
“Do I love you? Hell, yeah. Am I ready for a relationship? I want to be. I like how you make me feel. All I can promise you right now is that I won’t give up.”
Tammy looked lost in thought for a while. “We’re just going to have to take this a little slower than I wanted to.” She stretched up to kiss me. “We’ll do what we have to do. I’m not going to let you quit on me again.”
She reset the alarm on her phone for 9 a.m. “I’m going back to sleep, it’s too early for all this shit. Love you.” She laid her head back down on my chest, closed her eyes and in less than five minutes, was asleep again.
I just laid there and stared at the ceiling until her alarm went off again, trying to think everything through. I finally got up and got in the shower. It didn’t take long and she was waiting for me when I got out. I got dressed while she showered and did her morning routine. She was wearing a cute little strapless sundress and the sandals that she wore the night before. We loaded up the car and checked out early Sunday morning. As far as I could tell, we were still good.
We found a little hole-in-the-wall restaurant that served a huge breakfast and we were on the road by 11. We were home by mid afternoon. Traffic wasn’t bad and we made good time, even stopping for more coffee for Tammy.
The store started winding down the garden center shortly after Labor Day so those first weeks of September were pretty busy. Tom, our store manager, and Luis, the assistant manager for Lawn & Garden pulled me aside one morning after I clocked in. The garden center would be closing down the following week so they were going to move me over to Lumber. I would still be full time but qualify for benefits now as a regular employee with credit for my time as a seasonal employee. My first order of business once I got my insurance card to schedule a visit with my old therapist. Tammy’s smile said it all when I told her.
Turns out the transfer also came with a pay raise. That was more money in the rent fund, although I did withdraw some to buy Tammy a Christmas present. We’d seen a really pretty necklace on one of our trips to the mall, so that’s what I got her.
After the trip, we sort of started dating. It was just small things, like the trip to the mall. Nothing like our trip out of town. We were careful to keep displays of affection inside the house when we were alone, although it was harder than I anticipated. Tammy wasn’t big on self control sometimes on the couch when our parents were home.
About once a month, our parents would go over to some friends of theirs for what they called “game night”, starting on a Friday night. Most of the time, we wouldn’t see them until Sunday morning. They had been doing that since we were old enough to be left alone. We never questioned it, and I figured that this was their way of blowing off steam, go party and do things with their friends for a weekend, kid free. We never asked what they did and they never told us. We had instructions to call only if there was an emergency. We never had to call them. We would just hang out, watch lots of stuff on TV, eat pizza and sleep. We weren’t wild at all growing up.
It was during their game night weekend in January that we got caught.
The game night schedule consisted of my parents leaving a little before 6 on Friday night. We would, out of habit, leave a light on in the entryway on Friday and Saturday night, and turn all the other lights off downstairs before going to bed. That Friday, Tammy worked two shifts so she could be off on Saturday and Sunday, and she was exhausted when she got home. We watched a little TV, cuddled and about 11, she went upstairs to bed. I checked all the doors and windows, left the entry hall light on, and went to bed shortly thereafter. I was scheduled off for the weekend.
Saturday morning, I got up at my usual time and cleaned up downstairs. Tammy came down about 10, fixed herself some breakfast, and then dusted and ran the vacuum downstairs while I went over our half of the second floor and bathroom upstairs, since it was my month. We kept it pretty clean on our own, so it never took long.
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