Plain Janie

“He took me out for breakfast, we had pancakes with real maple syrup.” Jane strutted over to her friend and exhaled a maple scented breath.

“I believe you,” Anne said, covering her nose.

Jane unzipped her heavy coat and sighed. “He wants to buy me dinner tomorrow night.”

“You have a date with Harvey Patterson? Janie! I’ll try to keep my composure but I am so jealous of you right now.”

“Don’t be ridiculous Anne. We’re related.” Jane unbuttoned her coat and tossed it over the armrest of a battered recliner. “Besides, it’s not like a guy that looks like Harvey would ever be interested in a girl like me.” Her smile curved into a frown.

“I think you’ve listened to those Plain Jane insults for too long. We’re not in high school anymore and you’re not that awkward little girl.” She tugged a strand of Jane’s coppery hair. “Next time you’re in front of the mirror take a good look.”

Anne was always giving her encouragement. Telling her how lovely she is, how any man would be lucky to have her. God, she was as bad as Craig. “He only wants to apologize for standing me up. He did it practically all morning. I wonder if he’s in a twelve step program?”

***

Smoking had been banned from public places courtesy of the Cooper Falls city council four years earlier. Somehow the Cumberland still managed to reek of tobacco along with an unpleasant mixture of leather, varnish and sweat.

Craig shifted on his barstool as Harvey refilled his coffee cup. He had visited the Cumberland twice before, at night when the place was jammed.

The neon lights were dark. Craig was forced to rely on the purplish light from the tinted windows to read the deed to his home. The stools were empty beside him, the only sounds were from Harvey as he rattled liquor bottles. With all of the glitz stripped away the place was downright depressing.

“I can’t believe you took her out the first morning,” Craig said, sitting the deed on the bar.

“Preemptive strike. I picked that up in the army.”

“Which explains why you do more women before 6 A.M. than most people do all day.”

“Funny.” Harvey snatched the deed from the bar top and folded it up.

“Hey, I thought you only wanted to look at it!”

“I’ll look once it’s mine,” Harvey said. “In the meantime it goes in the safe with the tips and the title to my car.” Harvey grinned in that condescending way of his. “I asked Jane out to dinner tomorrow night. You should have seen how all four of her eyes lit up.”

Craig saw his silver Chevelle drive away, his sister was destined to become another notch on Harvey’s headboard. He asked Harvey where they planned on dining.

“I don’t know, but I want it to be special. Some place expensive.”

Craig perked up. “I know a place off Route 8 by the Lancaster exit. Their steaks cost a fortune, but the beef is so tender you can practically swallow it whole.”

Harvey crinkled his brow. “And you would be volunteering this information because?”

“Because I’m confident that you have no shot with Janie.” Craig hauled a fifty dollar bill out of his wallet and let it flutter to the table. “I’ll even pay.”

Harvey stuffed the cash in his pocket. “Free steaks would make a night with Plain Jane more bearable, if you’re being honest.” Craig did his best to look innocent. “I’m not going to drive all the way out there and have this place end up being a McDonalds or a slaughterhouse?”

Craig smiled inwardly. The place was legitimate. They were renowned for their steaks. Unfortunately for Harvey the best steaks in the town would do him no good where Jane was concerned.

Their dinner would be unpleasant enough but all he would need was for one “Plain Jane” to slip from Harvey’s mouth and the contest was over. But if it didn’t, if Harvey somehow succeeded. “If you and Jane, by some miracle end up… How would you prove it.”

“I guess I could take pictures or hide a video camera.”

Craig’s face reddened, he slammed his fist on the bar. “Like hell you could!”

Harvey flashed a perfect set of teeth. “Relax, I was joking. All you have to do is ask her. It’s not like she’d ever lie to her big brother.”

She wouldn’t, that’s why Craig was beginning to feel terrible for using her like this.

February 10th

The restaurant was called Black Angus. Harvey checked around and confirmed that his little stepbrother had told the truth. This was the most expensive steakhouse in Cooper Falls.

Rows of enormous timber had been stacked and chinked around an existing brick structure giving Black Angus the appearance of a grand log home. Even Plain Jane seemed impressed by the monstrous façade.

The simple act of walking through the door was a treat. Harvey was almost bowled over by the smells that greeted his nose. The scents of mushrooms, grilled onions and beef consolidated to, if not bring tears to his eyes, than at least bring saliva to his lips.

He bided his time in line beside a balding gentleman who paced and mumbled, he seemed at least as hungry as Harvey. Jane remained silent, arms folded. A tapping foot was the only indication of her mounting impatience.

The food had to be good, he assured her. The waiter took over an hour to seat them. They had somehow passed the balding gentleman, who expressed his displeasure in a very ungentlemanly way.

Harvey had to suck back the moisture in his mouth as he looked over the menu. He could see Jane’s eyes darting over the menu. She must have been concerned with the prices. “Money doesn’t matter Jane. Order whatever you can eat.” Her mouth drooped open just a little, as if she couldn’t believe his generosity.

“I’m a vegetarian, Harvey.”

“Since when?”

She pretended to count on her fingers. “The past twelve years!” She practically spat at him. “How could you not know that? There isn’t a single scrap in this tacky crematorium that I would even consider eating.” Jane slammed her menu on the table.

“God Damn that Craig!” Harvey shouted. “That little asshole set me up! He told me you would love this place.” Harvey shouted a string of cusswords, all of which were directed at Craig.

Some of the other diners were beginning to stare. Jane begged him to calm down.

Harvey scanned the room. “I’ll get the waiter. There has to be some kind of meatless entree.” Harvey raised a long arm and their waiter hurried to the table.

“Yes sir, are you ready to order?” the waiter asked.

“I want the eighteen ounce strip steak for myself, but my girl has got a little problem,” Harvey said. The waiter struck an undignified pose. “Do you have anything without meat?”

“You realize you’re dining at a place called Black Angus, named after the finest and most delicious breed of cattle.”

Harvey nodded at the waiter. “I know where I am, but my date, she’s vegetarian.

“We serve herb seasoned potato wedges but the lady might be offended by the fact that they are referred to as ‘steak’ fries.”

“No, no I don’t think she would mind,” Harvey said, handing the menus to the waiter. “Bring her some of those; a whole plate’s worth. Do you have anything else?”

The waiter rubbed the wispy goatee clinging to his chin. He snapped his fingers. “We garnish the plates with sprigs of parsley. Perhaps I could ask the chef for extras?”

Harvey rubbed his hands together. “That would be excellent.” The waiter nodded and left. Harvey turned to Jane, her face was buried in her arms. “What, you don’t like parsley?”

***

Her stepbrother sawed through his steak and chewed open mouthed. He was such a pig. Jane dipped a potato wedge in ketchup and took a bite. “Harvey,” she said, “this is ridiculous. You’ve dragged me to a slaughterhouse in the middle of nowhere. I want to know you’re agenda.”

“No agenda.” He dabbed a bit of juice off his chin with a finger. “I wanted to apologize for the last couple of days.”

“You’re going to need more than French fries and ketchup.”

“Don’t forget the parsley,” he said, pointing with his fork.

Jane smiled in spite of herself. He was an inconsiderate dolt but on rare occasions he could be sweet. She hauled her canvas purse to the tabletop and dug past books and makeup. She found a little stuffed lion, dusty and matted beside her emergency glasses. She showed it to Harvey.

“What is that supposed to be, some sort of otter?”

“Otter?” Jane glanced at the stuffed toy. “This is a Lion; Mr. Mane. You gave him to me on my twelfth birthday. Don’t you remember bringing him to the hospital?” She put the toy in one of his big hands.

He studied the little toy, turning it over with his fingers. “Are you sure Craig didn’t give you Mr. Mange? He was always buying you junk.”

How could he not remember? He brought it to her hospital room and tucked it in her bed. The memory was so precious to her. Jane stuffed the toy back in her purse and rushed to the ladies room. Harvey called after her but she kept moving. She wanted to get away before he saw her tears.

She found an empty stall and went through two Kleenexes before her emotions were curbed. Her eyes were still puffy and red when she emerged from the ladies room.

Another woman had claimed Jane’s vacated seat. A young blonde abandoned her flirtation with Harvey the moment Jane growled. The woman apologized and scampered away, leaving Jane to sit in a seat that was tainted by the warmth of her backside.

“I don’t believe you! Flirting with other women when you’re supposed to be out with me.” She hoped she didn’t sound as jealous as she felt. “Do you have any idea how bad that makes me look?”

Jane grabbed a potato wedge and tore it in two with her teeth, she imagined it was a certain section of her stepbrothers anatomy. She chewed for a moment, willing her anger to subside. She was sane again. “What is the deal with you and all these women?” she asked. “Are you missing the chromosome that allows fidelity or something?”

Harvey stuttered. She had never seen him at a loss for words. “I don’t like saying no,” he said.

“Which is something you have in common with the women you date.” Harvey smiled, an uncomplicated, innocent smile. No ulterior motives, he was merely tickled by her words. She liked it when he smiled like that.

“Not all of them,” he said. His dark eyes fixed on her. He was a bird of prey, Jane reminded herself, she was just a little sparrow. She held his gaze as long as she dared then blushed and looked away. She noticed all of the envious looks directed her way. Harvey garnered lustful glances from every woman in the room.