It was hard to think but I knew I just had to return the amazing gift that had just been given. I didn’t want to burst into Alex’s room because there was a high chance she was doing what I was doing.
So I snuck out of my room naked and went into the bathroom. I was still as hard as fuck. I left the panties on the bathroom vanity. Snuck back into my room and texted Alex.
‘I left a present in the bathroom for you. You had better get it while it’s warm.’
Moments later I heard a scurry followed by a groan and then the bathroom and her bedroom doors close.
I flopped on my bed and took myself in hand. I could smell Alexandrina’s scent all over me and my cock was still hard and slippery. So I masturbated again. This time slowly, imaging Alex doing the same with my spunk. I could see her eyes wide and looking at me. I realised I was looking at the mirror next of my bed. I was seeing me but thinking her. I moved closer and standing, stood at the mirror, looking at her looking at me looking at her. We were one. My hands were took over. I added some saliva which reactivated her smells. I groaned her name. It may have been a narcissistic moment but to me Alex was looking back at me whispering ‘cum for me Jake cum’ while I groaned her name.
And I did. Splattering the wall and the mirror. I watched the image of us as the sperm slid down the mirror. It was a slow motion moment until I watched it drip onto the carpet.
“Crap.” I said and scurried to grab my T shirt to mop up the mess and my still dripping penis. Then I flopped on the bed spent.
As I drifted off into a dopamine induced sleep I realised that things had permanently changed between the us. The twins, meaning both of us, had crossed into the territory of the possible. The forbidden zone. The zone Mum and Dad had worked so hard to build barriers around.
Chapter 2
I woke late the next day. I guess I was still a teenage boy. I know I woke with a woody. Who doesn’t. Well after the memories of the last night flooded back who wouldn’t? Well me. Because I was hit with an avalanche of guilt. My woody shrank so fast.
It was like my mum had entered the room and caught me. I guess in a way she did. All her going on about not playing with myself and all the implied stuff about you’re the man and no means no. That your sister is a princess and it’s my job to protect her.
Shit what have I done? I know Alex gave me her undies and she, I think, sort of made the first move. But I didn’t need to see the movie a second time. Nor did I have to share the couch. Nor should I have been okay, and even turned on by her butt pressed against my hard-on and I definitely, definitely did not need to give her my sperm on a panty platter.
I buried my head in my pillow and wished a start over. But then my bladder needed emptying so I put on boxers and slipped down the corridor into the toilet. My ears were finely turned for any noises in the house. Was Alex up? Was she still sleeping?
I remember thinking that perhaps the world had ended, and I was now in solitary confinement, with my guilt awaiting atonement. Maybe that was my hope. My Catholic upbringing knew no amount of rosaries would work this time. Besides I didn’t even own any. Yeh, Mum had given me a set at my confirmation. But I was a pissed off repressed Catholic boy. The beads are saying prayers for the fish off the end of Glenelg Pier.
As I shook out the potential dribbles my penis was like a lead weight in my hands. Treacherous thing. Then I did something dumb. I sniffed my fingers. They had a pungent smell of stale sperm and Alexandrina. I could feel the traitor dick start to rise. Crap. I had to get the smell off me.
I dashed into the bathroom and dived under the shower. I attacked my body with soap in the cold water. Too late I realised I had my boxers on, so I shucked them and scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed. I know there were tears running down my cheeks. I even banged my head on the tiles but the pain forced me to stop.
Slowly I turned the hot water on and turned down the cold. I remember thinking that maybe I could burn away my sin. But that didn’t work. So I stood there until the hot ran out. I quietly hoped Alexandrina had already washed away my smells.
I left my sodden boxers in the shower and dried myself. I found out later Alex had rescued them and secreted them away to be worn later. I smelt myself. I think it was gone. Apart from a faint odour on my finger tips. I came to learn later that girl juices on the fingers take a while to totally go.
I holed up in my bedroom for a while. That being until my stomach forced me to head downstairs in search of food. My stomach, I concluded, was as traitorous as my dick. I paused at the bottom of the steps. Alex was at the kitchen table writing in her diary. She kept one of those. I guess it was a very sordid entry she was making.
I snuck past her and prepared a coffee. I was physically hangdog, head down, shoulders slumped, and avoided looking at her. Next I knew she was behind me. Her arms wrapped around me and I flinched big time.
“I guess you’re feeling guilty?”
I just nod.
“Me too, big time.” Silence fills the gap. The coffee is brewing. But I don’t hear it.
“We need to talk, pour me one and come sit at the table.”
So like a black sheep I brought our coffees and sat opposite Alexandrina.
We quietly took a sip, looking at each other. I just can’t help it. My sister and I always look at each other. We always get lost in each other’s eyes. It’s what we have always done.
“It was fucking hot.” I rarely swear.
Alex nods. “Yes fucking hot.” Now I’ve heard myself swear privately and in my head but Alex? Never.
“I’m so so sorry Alex.” I looked into her searching eyes.
“I’m not.” She whispered, “Guilty as hell. I’ve never felt this guilty but I’m not sorry.”
I look at her and I know my mouth is open and dry as the hell I’m feeling.
“That was the most incredible, beautiful night of my life.” Again I’m silent.
We let her words hang there. Time ticked loudly on the kitchen clock. I noticed a deep concern come over my loving sister.
“Say something Jake, say something, anything. Don’t shut me out.”
I could see the pain rise in her as her body started shaking. I almost leapt over the table and dragged her into my arms. Then I kissed her. Yes, for all the guilt I had, I kissed her. Not a brother kiss. Not a tongue kiss, but definitely a forbidden one.
“Okay,” I said breaking the kiss “I think I just definitely added to my guilt and my time in hell.” Then I cracked a big smile. The first time I had smiled all morning.
“Then pilgrim give me my sin again.” Alex leant forward and delicately touched our lips and tenderly offered up a prayer to them.
I know now that those lines from Shakespeare were butchered. I distinctly remember knowing so. I didn’t even know they were Romeo and Juliet’s, but I had seen the classic modern version by Baz. So I guess it was buried deep. Rather like so much of the Bard that would penetrate my soul in the following years.
In that moment my Sister penetrated my soul. I existentially decided it was worth hell to have heaven now. But in that moment that was as far as we went.
We parted, but both of us knew forever changed.
I now needed food. So did Alex, so I ‘baked us up some bacon and some beans.’ Just kidding, just Bacon and French toast.
Sometimes songs burst into my brain and random times like now while I’m writing this but at other times they will enter the world of used up songs. What happens to sound once it’s said, a song once it’s sung? All the sorries, the miss-spokes and the angry shouts they must go somewhere. But I know they imbed themselves into the hearts and minds of those who matter most. To stab one in the unexpected moments of memory.
I’m writing this six years later dear reader. You will just have to learn you will get my philosophy and insights born of the current period of time, not what I actually thought at the time.
We had two hours before we had to leave for college. Once we finished eating I leant over Alex and gave her a hug as she sat there.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you or frighten you. Or for that matter abuse you sis. You are the most precious thing in my world.”
I found myself apologising again. As I leant down I inhaled her smells. They are a strong mix of her and sperm.
Incredulously I asked. “Haven’t you showered yet?”
Alexandrina looked up and smiled at me. The sweetest smile. Her big eyes sparkled.
“I didn’t want to remove your smells from me. I might never wash again.” She cracked a giggle then a laugh at my look of horror. “I sort of rubbed your present all over me last night.”
I felt my penis take a leap to the hard side.
“Well I think you had better do something before we go to class. It smells like your’ve had a night of sex and I’m virgin who doesn’t even know what sex smells like.”
“Okay, perhaps, but maybe you had better brand me again when we get home.”
“I don’t know that’s a good idea.”
“Junior thinks so!” Alex said as she looked down at my groin.
“Crap. I promised myself that we would stop. Have you been planning this or something? You don’t seem to be troubled by walking a sex path with your brother.”
She looked at me lustfully. I think I was seeing lust in my sister’s face for the first time in this moment. Later of course I knew I was.
“How long have you been thinking of me and sex stuff?” I asked.
“Maybe for a long time.”
“Shit I’m sunk then.”
“Why is that big brother?”
“Because before last night and that film I have never thought of you like that.”
Alex looked shocked. “Not even when you were wanking?”
“No never, and no I’m horrified. Never when I’ve been wanking, or in my dreams, or in looking at you in passing. Never.”
Suddenly understanding dawns on Alexandrina.
“So last night was a total surprise and shock. Wow, I just assumed brothers thought about their sisters like that a lot. Shit no wonder you were shocked this morning. I’m sorry. Crap I think I just broke my brother. ”
“I know you broke your brother.”
Alexandrina did the girl thing. Unfiltered chatter as she processed her thoughts. Suddenly she stopped mid sentence. There was silence again.
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