Into my fog floated a cheerful Alexandrina.
“What the fuck Alex! Don’t you have any fibre of moral backbone? How can you be so cheerful when we are all but fucking each other. We have already done it in the mind. Over and over we have lusted and made ourselves cum time and time again to the lusts of the mind. I have abused my sister each time I’m abusing myself. All I want to do is fall into incestuous sheets. And you come down stairs as if that would be you best most joyful outcome of whatever this is. All I end up coming down with is self loathing so strong that I feel it would be better we did not even live in the same universe let alone the same house.”
To say Alex was stunned would be an understatement. It was as if I had hit her with an uppercut. She slumped where she stood, down the kitchen cupboard and onto the floor. She wept silent tears. My attack ripped the heart out of her and she was left a lifeless rag doll.
In a real way I was channeling my mother, with her vicious abusive words. I sat there and looked at Alex and saw an image of my own deflated response every time my mother tore into me. Of course guilt turned on me, over how I had just treated Alex. I had snuffed out the only candle of hope in my life.
I stood slowly and slumped down next to her. I took her in my arms and held her for ages. She did not flinch. She gave no indication of any feelings toward me but she did not flinch. She allowed me to hold her.
My mind could not find words. It was blank. Because words could not heal even though words tear apart. That is their limit. Time may heal. But time normally just papers over cracks. Our hearts were lost in the chasm I created. But I knew I created that gapping wound so I had to build some sort of bridge. Forgiveness was needed. But that had to come later.
I whispered “I’m sorry. But that is not enough. Sorry is cheap.”
She held me a little tighter.
Time continued to pass never to go backwards.
“Can I ask a favour?” She nodded almost imperceptibly. “Will you go out on a date with me on Friday night? Like as in a first date.”
I felt life return into her limpness.
“You know I have never gone on a date before,” I continued.”I’m scared that it won’t work out. I’m worried the girl might reject me. I frightened that hearts will be broken. These are the reasons why I have never had the courage to ask anyone out before. I want to ask the most important girl in my life to be my girlfriend but I feel I need to take her out first. To treat her like she deserves. To see her not only as my sister. To see if she might love me and I might love her. Not how we have always loved but that special forever love love. I want to know I love her that way. Not just with my cock and balls.”
I said all that out loud. My thoughts flowed out as if my mind was just letting us both know for the first time the answer to how to move past the guilt. If it was just lust and sex for either of us, then there would always be guilt. Love could only be guilt free if it was founded in the soul.
She looked at me with those drowning eyes.
“You know I would like to be asked out in some sort of more romantic way than on the kitchen floor. Maybe my potential suitor will find a way to romance me a bit. Who knows I might just accept.”
Silently we hopped up and started to get breakfast and prepare for the day.
I knew now I could find the courage to ask her properly. But that was not now. We were on the top of the guilt hump but there were things that needed cleaning up.
” umm Alex you know last night, you might want to check the lounge under the cushion where you where sitting.”
Suddenly Alex was animated and rushed into the lounge room. I heard a “shit!”
I followed and saw the obvious large stain dried into the faux tapestry upholstery cushion. I hopped down on my knees and smelt the stain.
“It smells like my Sister” I grin and say. Alex picked up the heavy lounge cushion and wacked me with it. It was a solid blow and I went sprawling over, with my face buried in the stain.
“It tastes like my sister. Yum.” And I made a show of licking it with exaggerated tongue action.
Alex tackled me and we were rolling and laughing and tickling and wrestled like five year olds on the floor.
“Truce” I yell, “like how do we fix that.”
“Mum has a special spot cleaner for the carpet that will fix it.” She races out to the cleaning cupboard. When she returns I ask.
“How do you know that?”
“Mum showed me how to do this if ever I needed to.”
“Well she didn’t show me.”
“Of course not duffus, you’re a boy. She would never trust you with the carpet. It’s a woman’s job in a misogynistic world to take care of the cleaning”
When she finished attacking the stain it looked like a clean spot not a soiled one.
“Opps I had better do the whole cushion so it is less obvious.” When she had finished she put it in the sunlight to dry. Remind me to put it back before we leave. If you do it then put it back reversed so the fresh side is down.”
We went off to college. I had a problem trying to figure how to manage my next move. I had decided what I needed to do but time was short. I realised we did everything together. It was hard to take off without Alex noticing. She was still a bit icy in the car, but occasionally I would catch her glance at me and the side of her lips would curl upward.
A simple idea came to me. I pushed my abdomen and said, “I hope that’s not something starting.”
I went to class, but once I assured myself that everyone was present I groaned again, held my stomach and approached the teacher. Sorry I’ve got to go quickly, I could be twenty minutes. I rushed out.
I heard my loving sister say. “Ohh I wouldn’t go in there for a good while guys.” Followed by laughter.
The toilets were near the entrance, which helped. I ducked out onto the street and ran flat out. There was a florist about three blocks away. In the shop I noticed they had amazing bunches of red roses. A lot of them. I wanted a single long stem deep red rose. Well they had them.
The florist commented, “Wise man to get it before Friday. We would be sold out by this time on Friday.”
“Why what’s Friday?”
“The Fourteenth of February mean anything to you?”
My look said it all.
“Shit you must have done something bad to require this then. You look far too young to be cheating on a wife.”
“Maybe worse I whispered. Can you wrap it so it’s disguised, brown paper not the pretty valentines stuff,” I said as I paid.
” I love this job.” she snickered as I bolted out the door.
As I ran I was swearing. Friday was Valentine’s Day. First good move that actually helped, but how was I going to find a nice place in this small city that wasn’t already fully booked. Let alone, as with the rose, it will be extra expensive just because it was that day.
I also had to book quick. The Rose went in the boot. It was hot and I hoped it wouldn’t wither. But the evening did cool things down enough. I hit the toilet, holed up in a cubical and hit the old google search. Seven phone calls later I found a place that had one Table for two left. I booked it. I did take the opportunity while there to take the pressure off. All the excitement was a bit like opening night. It always gets me in the bowels.
I slotted back into rehearsals. We were in rehearsal groups. Our instructions had been to do it as if we were presenting on Play School an iconic kids TV program in Australia. It was so funny trying to make the language take on the expressions a four year old would enjoy while keeping up the iambic.
The debrief consisted of coming to understand that the text should be made understandable but by our expressions and actions not just be the words. It did help us think through what we were feeling and communicating.
Going home Alex checked I was alright. It was late but Mum was not home. Unusual but I could only hope she would stay out half an hour more. I went straight to my room and changed into good casual clothes. Then I snuck out the back door. Retrieved the rose from the boot and rang the front door bell.
Some moments later my sister appeared, a little flustered, She was already in her dressing gown. The look on her face when she saw me standing at the door, dressed up and holding something behind my back, I will always remember.
I was nervous even though I was sure of the answer. But I put it on a bit, for dramatic effect. I also remembered the day’s lesson.
” I ahh.. was… sort of.. really… hoping that you would… consent to… ah.. coming on a Date with me, on Friday night.”
report Her eyes dilated further and I could see my Alexandrina shaking a little.
” I took the flower from behind my back and said. ” I would be honoured if you would be my Valentine.”
Tears ran down her face and she nodded and replied.
” Yes Jacob, oh Yes.”
“I will pick you up at Seven Friday then.” my confidence returning, “Oh I have a restaurant booked, it’s a bit posh so I think we will need to dress up.”
I bowed and retreated. I heard to door close and I ducked around to the back door.
Strangely I don’t think Mum even came home.
The next morning I came down to the smell of pancakes and coffee. We had early classes so it was action stations.
“Someone’s in a good mood,” I commented.
“Oh I guess you don’t know. I’ve been asked out on a Valentines date.”
“Who’s the lucky guy?”
“Shouldn’t you like to know.”
“Well I hope he is worthy of you. Oh I like the Rose. He at least must have some class. ”
“Well I’ll find out tomorrow night.”
“We had a spectacular breakfast. Because the view of my smiling giddy sister was spectacular.”
Then it was off to college to take on different roles wooing different people. In the car I broached a problem.
“I’ve been thinking about one big problem. Mum! What if she sees the rose? What if we get home late?”
Anxiety knitted Alex’s brow.
“I guess it’s the first of many problems with her if we continue like I want to continue.”
“Well I have a solution I think. Tell her we are on a double date. Maybe with two students at college.”
“Great idea, what shall we call them?”
“Well I could call my new friend Tony, after Antonio in the play.”
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