Oh well.
………………………………………
I had heard that the company I worked for was about to file a suit for “Pirating” employees. It never happened. It was just a threat.
Mike was their new ‘Engineering Manager’ and would call, every so often just to see how I was doing and any fallout from the rest of the company. It was nice. I missed the connection. I asked about Southern California, as I had never been there. What it was like. What it was like to live in a huge metropolis. It gave me opportunities to ask questions about tuning my car.
There were never any suggestions, or hints, of possible employment, until one afternoon, when I received a call from a ‘Head Hunter’.
Without mentioning the company, he asked if I might be interested in a possible employment opportunity in the Southern California area. I knew immediately what was going on. It seemed that in order to skirt the ‘Pirating’ threat since all of the others had been contacted directly, they decided to go through a professional employment agency.
Sitting with my parents for dinner at their favorite fish-fry tavern the following Friday night, I filled them in on what was going on. That there were plans for me to fly out there the following Thursday and stay over the weekend to be interviewed and to check out the area. They listened, without interruption, until I was finished, and then… silence.
I could see the worried and almost pained expression on my mom’s face. If this went through, it would be the hardest thing that I ever had to do. I loved my parents. I loved my family. And I knew that it was the last thing that they had ever envisioned… their son moving to the other side of the country.
It was my dad who spoke first.
“Well, it sounds like a great opportunity. You must be good at what you do. Are you seriously considering it?”
“I know the people out there. And Mike, my TR6 guru, would be my supervisor. They’re a competitor so, it wouldn’t be like learning something new. I don’t know. It would definitely be a huge change. I mean just moving from here to Wausau was a big change, but I still had all of you here. I just don’t know.”
“Whatever you decide, we will be with you,” my mom added, but I knew that those words were hard for her to say.
…………………………………………..
I didn’t wait until Friday to get back to my parents on the details of the trip, the interview, and my thoughts. I knew that they were anxiously awaiting, so I made a quick call the Sunday night that I returned and said that I would be out the next night for dinner and we could talk some more.
My mom had made one of my favorite dinners: crock-pot meatloaf, baked potato, frozen corn, and beer.
As we ate, they listened attentively as I described the trip, the so-called interview, Mike taking on a brief road trip in his TR6 to the local mountains, and then the final stop at a beach on the way to LAX that Sunday afternoon. The most amazing thing that struck me was that, even though we passed through many cities, they all seemed like one. There were never any separations between them. So crowded. Crime. Trying to picture the three and four-lane freeways during the week at a standstill. But, then winter in Southern California would consist of temperatures in the 50s… shirtsleeve weather.
“So, what are your thoughts?” my mom asked.
Pausing, as this was really the first opportunity to lay my thoughts out vocally.
“I don’t know. I know that the job would be mine if I wanted it. But to give all of this up… the peacefulness, the open spaces, the sense of safety.”
Then, looking at each of them, “You. My family. I’m afraid that if I do it, I won’t be able to share my life with you. That, if the stars shine down on me, someday to have a family. They won’t know their grandma and grandpa. They won’t have the opportunity to be spoiled, just like they should be by their grandparents. To me, vacations back here aren’t enough time. So, yes. That is a big part of my decision.”
It was quiet except for the ticking of the clock in the next room. Then my mom addressed the elephant that was weighing on my mind.
“And Ellen?”
“Yeah. That too. If I do decide to do it, that will be a conversation that I would not be looking forward to.”
Quiet.
It was my mom who spoke first, in her soft ‘motherly’ voice.
“Kids leave the nest all the time. It’s part of life. It’s part of growing up. Some leave the nest and are close by. Some are a bit farther, and yes, some are quite a distance. Your dad has a few years before his retirement. I know that he’s not a fan of the winters. You never know. It’s nothing we’ve talked about because there was really never a need to talk about it but, we might look for someplace to spend the winter months… maybe more. So, don’t let that be the reason for not accepting the position. We’ll miss you and all of that but, then you were away at school for all of those months. We’ll be OK.
“As far as Ellen. You’re right. That’s not going to be easy. You two have been close for a long time and have gotten closer over the years. We both think that she wishes that you two weren’t cousins… she thinks that much of you. And I… we, both commend each of you for being responsible and understanding of your situation. I know for a fact, that there are other families around here, where that hasn’t been the case. And it had torn the two families apart.”
I was kind of taken aback, as I stared at my mom. I can’t say ‘never’ but, the possibility of acting on those urges just was something I always put out of my mind.
In the end, I decided to accept. We all agreed to keep it between us until I had a chance to talk to Ellen. I just didn’t know where or how. I knew that there would be tears… lots of tears. So, breaking the news to her in a restaurant, over dinner was out of the question. Having dinner someplace and then finding a deserted country road to park and break the news seemed kind of insensitive. She was still living at home, so that was out. I couldn’t see having dinner at my apartment, as I knew that emotions would be high and things could easily get out of control and cross the line.
Sensing my dilemma, “If you want to invite Ellen over here for dinner for just the two of you, your dad and I can have an evening out. Give you two some alone time.”
It was the middle of autumn. The weekend was predicted to be sunny and warm, perfect to grill some steaks, which I knew Ellen really liked.
As I was getting things ready, Ellen asked me a couple of times, “Are you OK? You seem to have something on your mind.”
She knew me so well.
We had always been up-front and honest with each other. I guess my anxiousness was showing through as I just replied that I was ‘fine’.
My dad had hung a bench swing from one of the large maple tree limbs in the front yard. So after a quiet meal and cleanup, we found ourselves sitting there with my arm around her shoulder. It was not unusual for me to have my arm around her… still, she could sense that something was ‘off’.
Taking a deep breath, “Ellen, I’ve got to tell you something.”
She turned to look at me, “Bill, whatever it is, it will be fine.”
Then with a smile, “Have you met someone? Because if you have, then I’m really happy for you and I can’t wait to meet the lucky girl.”
Lightly stroking her face, “I wish it were that simple.”
Her expression changed in an instant.
The more I laid out what was happening, the more Ellen hugged me as I held her tighter. My shirt was becoming drenched in her tears. Her strawberry-blonde hair was being matted from my tears. All I could hear were the sounds of the birds, the rustling of the leaves, and her gentle sobs. It broke my heart.
Was it worth it? To leave the one in my life who I loved, even though that word had never been shared. But, just because it had never been spoken, didn’t mean that it wasn’t there.
Neither of us had dated since her graduation. I don’t know why. Well, that’s not entirely true. I think that each of us felt that there was nobody out there that measured up to what we had, even though we knew that we couldn’t do anything about it.
And then in a voice that was almost a whisper.
“When? When are you leaving?”
“I’ll be turning in my resignation this coming Friday morning. I suspect that by noon I’ll be unemployed. My mom is planning on a send-off picnic on Saturday. I’m sure that they’re over at your house right now filling in your mom and dad on what’s going on. It’s about a three-and-a-half-day drive, so probably the following Tuesday. I’ll be back over Christmas and the New Year. I know it’s not much.”
Quiet except for the birds and trees.
“Bill, will you promise me something?”
“Anything.”
‘Well, almost Anything’ I said to myself
“Well, my first promise was going to be something that I know we can’t keep.”
I had an idea of what she wanted me to promise, so I kept quiet.
“Instead, promise me that you’ll write to me. Tell me everything that is going on in your life and I promise that I will do the same. Promise me that you will always remember that you were my first kiss. Promise me that you will never forget what we have, right here and now… the love we have for each other.”
Ellen’s voice cracked. I swallowed hard and held her in a suffocating embrace, as we both wept.
Minutes later as we each found our breath.
“I know that we’ve never said it to each other, but we each know that it’s there. Because Bill… I love you… I love you more than I could ever imagine. And, I will always love you, no matter how far away you are.”
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