Gee – Thanks Mom! by BDLong

“Yeah,” I said.

“You’re nice,” she said.

“Ye—what?!”

Miriam laughed, her belly shaking and her feet splashing. “You’re too easy,” she said.

This time, for whatever reason, I didn’t feel like she was making fun of me. Bending down, I splashed her with a little water from the pool. She yelped and kicked her feet, which only ended up splashing us both. I laughed in delight. I was finally beginning to let go. Maybe this wasn’t going to be such a bad weekend after all.

And then I heard the squeak of the front gate open followed by the sound of Mother’s SUV, the one she used to transport large antiques.

“Shit,” I said, feeling my happiness fizzle out.

“What’s wrong?” Miriam asked.

“Come on,” I said, standing and straightening my clothes. “Hurry.”

Miriam did as I asked, and I guess it was because she heard the urgency in my voice. We scurried back through the rear door of the house, and I had Miriam unpack the art history study materials from her bag and then take the rest upstairs. Maybe she dealt with a version of this bullshit at home, too, because she didn’t waste time with questions. While she was upstairs, I spread the books and notes out on the dining room table and did my best to make it look like we hadn’t just been goofing off.

I saw a shadow on the other side of the front door’s frosted glass, and I went to open it.

“Oh, thank you, dear,” Mother said, stepping past me. She wore a beige pantsuit that was no doubt tailored specifically for sudden heat waves in late autumn. She always had a plan. And she had one today. “How is the house?” Not, How are you? Of course not.

“Fine,” I said, following her to the kitchen, where she poured herself a glass of rosé. “What are you doing here?”

“Why, I come bearing gifts, of course,” she said, as if said gifts were for me and not her somehow.

“Really,” I said, following her again toward the front door.

She turned. If she had had hair like mine, it would have spun out to the sides, but hers was cut short, all business. Of course. “Dear, you really are such a grouch,” she said. “Here I am, giving to my only daughter, and what do I get in return?”

“Sorry, Mother,” I said, only sort of sorry.

“Hi, Mrs. Hamilton!” Miriam leaned on the upstairs bannister and waved down into the foyer. Mother’s inviting smile remained, but I felt the room turn cold. Now I really was sorry.

My friend skipped down the stairs in her bare feet, and I saw Mother’s eyes go to the hemp bracelets she wore on her ankles. Miriam must have seen my expression, because she slowed to a more cautious pace. Mother extended a hand, and Miriam took it gently and curtsied slightly. Mother’s eyes softened instantly. This was the respect she deserved. “And who might you be?” she said not completely threateningly.

“Miriam, ma’am,” the girl said, keeping her eyes on Mother. “I’m in your daughter’s art history class, and she was kind enough to invite me up here to study.”

“Well,” Mother said, “at least she’s making friends. She can be terribly moody.”

“Nonsense,” Miriam said. “Your daughter is a delight. I can see where she gets it.”

“I’m also standing right here,” I said.

“Of course you are, dear,” Mother said, barely turning her head in my direction. “Well, Miss Miriam, it has been a pleasure.” And then she checked her watch. “Down to business,” she continued, more to me this time. “I have to meet up with your father in two hours. We have an investor’s meeting, and then we have to meet up with the, ugh, Callaways for a week on their yacht. An entire week, can you believe? What a nightmare. Anyway, come.”

She started out the door, and Miriam and I followed. I tried to make eye contact with Miriam, but she had her gaze fixed on Mother, as if she were a cobra that might strike at any moment. She had good instincts. In the driveway in front of the house was the black SUV, and in the back were two large dark shapes, obscured by fogged glass. Mother went to the rear and opened the door, and down jumped two large dogs: a Rottweiler and a Shepherd.

“Mother, what—” I started, but was not allowed to finish.

“For your protection, dear. They’re guard dogs, not pets,” Mother said. Of course. “Now listen: they have been trained by experts and have come at no small expense, so treat them well.” She pulled from the SUV two large flat cardboard boxes. “These are their houses. They’ll sleep in these, outside in the car park. They are only to come in the house in emergencies, and they know this. Here,” she said, handing me a folded piece of paper, “is a list of their commands. And here,” she added, handing me a whistle on a lanyard, “is an emergency whistle. If you need help, or if they are doing something they shouldn’t and aren’t following commands, blow this. It will bring them to attention. Keep it with you at all times.”

As she finished speaking, the Rottweiler had approached Miriam and bumped her hip with his big, anvil-like head. She staggered a bit, but scratched him on the head. “Hey, watch it,” she said.

I checked the command list. “Mother,” I said. “This is all in German.”

“You don’t need to be fluent to memorize the words on a piece of paper,” she said. “Now, I have to go. Spend some time building those dog houses. They’ll need somewhere to sleep tonight. Oh, and before I forget,” she said, ducking back into the back of the SUV and dragging out not one but two giant bags of dog food. “This is special food. You can order it online when these two bags are empty. Use the blue card to pay for it so we can lump it in with our business expenses.”

“Right,” I said. “Of course.”

“Excellent,” she said. “Well that’s all for me. You girls take care of those dogs.”

As she drove off, Miriam, the dogs, and I stood there watching the gate close.

“Wow,” Miriam said, after a minute.

“I know,” I said. I don’t know why, but I was on the verge of tears. It wasn’t the first time Mother had displayed just how little she cared about me, nor was it the first time she’d done it to me in front of a friend, but it stung this time.

In silence, we moved the food indoors and dragged the doghouse sets over to the car park. According to the instructions, construction was simple, but in practice, the design was elaborate. About a half hour into construction, we had one mostly built, and Miriam wiped her brow.

“I’m gonna go to change into some shorts,” she said. “It’s too hot.”

I nodded. Having long ago stripped off my blazer, I was still feeling hot, but I wondered how much was due to still being angry at Mother. I stopped working for a moment, and that’s when it hit me all at once. Kneeling there in the car park, hot, sweaty, and humiliated, I just started crying not quietly but in body heaving sobs. And I had become so consumed that when Miriam touched my shoulder I nearly shrieked. One of the dogs, the Rottweiler moved a little closer, but when he (oh, yes, it was very obviously a he, as was the Shepherd) saw this wasn’t a problem he could fix, he sat back down.

“What’s wrong?” Miriam said. I looked at her, and she said, “Right. Is she always like that?”

“Not usually that bad,” I said, tears still flowing but sobs subsiding as she put an arm around me. “Only when I try to make friends.”

“What the fuck,” she said. “Doesn’t she want you to have friends?”

“I don’t know anymore,” I said.

“Well, what does she want?”

It was there in that hot miserable car park that I filled her in on what I figured my parents had in store for me after graduation. It was the first time I’d told anyone anything so personal, and I shook with fear and relief as I did it. And when I was done, I buried my face in her shoulder and let her hold me. Eventually, I gathered myself together and raised my head. I expected her to look awkward or uncomfortable, but she just smiled back at me.

“I bet this seems stupid,” I said. “Rich people problems.”

Her fingers brushed a few disheveled locks of blonde hair away from my face and said, “It’s not always that simple. That’s just life, Dee.”

I could’ve kissed her for that. Should’ve. But I noticed the dogs just staring at us. Weren’t they supposed to be patrolling or something?

Miriam noticed too, and said, “Big help you guys are.”

I laughed in relief, and wiped my eyes. It took a while to get myself back into working shape, but eventually we got the second doghouse built, and scooted it over next to the first.

“Hope you guys are happy,” I said, and then turned to Miriam. “I don’t know about you, but I could go for a swim.”

Miriam hadn’t brought a swim suit, but I was pretty sure we had something in her size. Mother, as I said, always had a plan, and that included keeping a few extra items of clothing around for potential guests. So, I led Miriam back inside and upstairs to one of the guest bedrooms. We had been digging around in the dressers for a few minutes before I realized I didn’t know her size.

“What’s—” I started, but felt awkward again. “What’s your size?”

“Eight,” she said. “Sometimes ten.”

I shook my head. “I mean…” For some reason I felt weird about saying it, so I cupped my own breasts over my blouse and jiggled a little to drive home the point. And then I realized that I would’ve been better off just using my words.

Miriam broke into a fit of giggling that she couldn’t stop no matter how hard she tried. At first, I turned red, but the longer her giggling went on, the more infectious it became, and I soon found myself laughing along with her. It had been a ridiculous thing to do, but it felt kind of good to not take myself so seriously for once.

“32C,” said eventually, when she could breathe again.

I dug through another drawer. Skirts. Another drawer. Ties. Really, Mother? Finally, I found a drawer full of swimwear. Personally, I was hoping for something more modest, but the first thing I dug out was a bright yellow two-piece. It wasn’t exactly a bikini, but it would show off a lot more skin than I thought she (or I) might be comfortable with. I set it on the carpet and kept digging, but Miriam picked it up and held its pieces against her body.

“This’ll do,” she said.

“Are you sure?” I said. “I could find something less… less.”