Naturally things didn’t turn out that way.
Wednesday night eventually rolled around and everyone met at the park in the center of town to watch the fireworks. The first half of the night went far better than I had expected. I had successfully avoided any awkwardness with Tiffany and was beginning to think I could get through the night unscathed. That’s why it caught me completely off guard when my mom decided to bring up the subject.
“Did you apologize to Tiffany yet?” she asked without looking over.
“Apologize for what?”
This time she did look over and said, “For whatever you did that hurt her feelings so badly.”
“What? What makes you think I hurt her feelings?”
“Don’t play dumb, Josh. It’s obvious that there’s something going on between you two, and at dinner she was the one who looked pissed and you were the one who looked guilty. It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out.”
I hung my head, asking, “Was it really that obvious?”
“Yes.” was the only reply I got.
“Well crap.”
My mom studied me carefully for a few seconds before saying, “Mind if I ask what it’s about?”
I shook my head and replied, “I wish I could tell you, but it’s a personal matter between Tiffany and I.”
“Okay, I won’t pry, but can I give you some advice?”
I laughed bitterly, saying, “God, you have no idea how much I would love some advice right now.”
She only smiled at me and said, “Man the fuck up and tell her that you’re sorry. Whatever disagreement you all are having, it’s not worth drifting apart over.”
I started to tell her that it wasn’t that simple, but I stopped before I even got a word out because I realized that she was right. It was exactly that simple. I could either come to terms with and accept what had happened, or I could keep doing what I had been doing for the last six years and lose Tiffany forever. It didn’t take long for me to make a decision and with a grateful hug to my mom I stood up and went in search of Tiffany.
I found her shortly after that sitting in the grass and patently ignoring the colorful display above. She had her knees drawn up to her chest and her shoulders were hunched, making it perfectly obvious that she was in no mood for company. Regardless, I approached her and quietly said, “Hey, Tiff, can we talk?”
“What is there to talk about?” she responded without looking at me. her voice had a hoarse quality to it that made me think she had been crying and the knife in my gut twisted a little more.
“I want to apologize.” I said simply.
“For what? she asked, and I could practically see the bitter sarcasm dripping from every word, “Since nothing ever happened there’s no reason for you to be sorry.”
Ouch, I suppose I deserved that. taking it in stride I said, “True, if nothing happened then I have no reason to be sorry, but since something very definitely DID happen, I feel I should apologize for acting like a stupid child.”
She turned to face me for the first time and the red, puffy appearance of her eyes confirmed that she had indeed been crying, and said, “I’m listening.”
She obviously wasn’t going to make this easy on me, but I had already figured as much so I bulled right ahead, saying, “Look, Tiff, after what happened I was scared and confused and more than a little ashamed, and to tell you the truth I still am, but that’s no excuse for the way I have been acting so I’m sorry and I can only hope that you’ll be able to forgive me.”
She stared at me silently for a few minutes, and just when she opened her mouth to speak the night came alive with light and thunder, signifying the finale of the fireworks show. We both turned our eyes upwards and watched as the last blooms of color faded from the night sky and people began gathering their things and heading for their cars. In the distance, I heard our own family calling to us that it was time to go, and coming up beside me Tiffany said quietly, “Stay the night at grandma and grandpa’s tonight. I think we have a lot to talk about after everyone goes to bed.”
Without waiting for a reply, she drifted past me and rejoined our family who were waiting in the parking lot. I passed the ride home and most of the rest of the night in relative silence, lost in thought and speaking only when spoken to. When everyone, including Tiffany, started wandering off to bed for the night I assumed that Tiffany had decided to leave our discussion for the next day, so I settled in for a night on the living room couch. About an hour later, just as I was entering the gray area between sleep and waking, I heard soft, shuffling footsteps padding towards me and opened my eyes to see Tiffany beckoning me to follow her. I let her lead me back to the room she was occupying and, upon entering, she closed the door and turned on the light then sat down next to me on the bed.
“So,” she said.
“So,” I replied. it seemed that neither of us really knew where to begin.
“Josh, do you regret what we did?” she asked, looking down at her feet.
I took a moment to think, asking myself if I really did regret it or not. The truth was that part of me, the sane, rational part, was screaming “hell yes!” while the part of me that wanted to get lost in the sapphire depths of her eyes was not only screaming “hell no!”, but “let’s do it again!”. And that is exactly what I told her (minus the part about eyes and getting lost. I have my dignity.) Then I added, “Look, I haven’t thought about anything BUT that night since it happened, even though everything I’ve been taught tells me that I’m a sick, twisted freak because of it.”
Tiffany smiled and said, “Well I guess that makes both of us sick, twisted freaks then.”
“So you enjoyed it too, then?”
“Oh my god, Josh, that was the single most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced. I never knew that anything could feel that good.”
“Yeah, that’s about how it was for me too.”
“Then what’s the problem, Josh?”
“Are you serious Tiff?!” I asked in a harsh whisper, “We’re related, and family isn’t supposed to do that kind of thing with family. Hell, they’re not even supposed to think about it.”
“Josh, I don’t care about what we are or are not supposed to think and feel,” Tiffany said, raising her voice a little, “Give me one good reason why we can’t be together, and don’t give me any of that crap about how we aren’t supposed to feel this way..”
A wave of frustrated anger washed over me, and I had to take a deep breath before speaking or I ran the risk of shouting at her and waking the entire house. I said, “Tiffany. Pretend for one second that the rest of the world doesn’t exist. You know our family. You know what they’re like. How do you think they would react if they caught us, huh?”
I could see by the look on her face that she knew as well as I did that they would disown us and never speak to us again before they accepted us as a couple, so I continued on saying, “I’m sorry but it has to be this way. It doesn’t matter that I’m in love with you. It doesn’t matter that you’re all I ever think about because…”
“You’re in love with me?” she interrupted, eyes going wide.
Well shit. Now I’d done it.
I let out a heavy sigh before saying, “Yeah, Tiff. I think I am.”
“Oh, Josh.” she said, her eyes brimming with tears, “I’m so happy you feel that way. I’m in love with you too.”
Despite everything, my heart leapt for joy when I heard those words, but it came crashing back down shortly after and I said, “It makes me happy to hear you say that, Tiff, but you see what I mean. We can never be together.”
But she didn’t see. She didn’t see at all, and she said, “Josh. You keep saying that we can’t be together. But what I’M saying is that we just can’t get caught.”
Then she flashed me that devil-may-care grin that never failed to drive me crazy, and the last of my resistance crumbled, and with no ground left to stand on, I fell head over heels. At that moment I knew I would do anything for this girl. All she had to do was ask and I would get on my hands and knees and crawl through hell, and as long as I got to see that smile I would say thank you for the privilege.
I wanted to tell her all these things, but ,being as overwhelmingly inept at verbally expressing emotions as I am, I simply could not find the right words. I decided to let my actions speak for me, so I pulled her in and kissed her. There was nothing urgent or demanding about that kiss. It was simply as tender and full of love as I could make it, and we stayed like that for a long time, just touching and kissing until we fell asleep in each other’s arms.
I woke up early the next morning, and crawled out of her bed as quietly as I could, so I wouldn’t wake her, and gave Tiffany a soft kiss on the forehead before leaving for work. it was a novel experience to show up to work early and hangover free for once, and when people asked me how I was doing and I replied, “I’m fine.” I wasn’t lying. All in all things were starting to look up.
After work I went straight back to my grandparents’ house, and spent the rest of the day there, intent on spending as much time with Tiffany as I could before she left the next day. That was how I came to be there at dinner when Tiffany’s sister, Sarah, called to wish everyone a belated happy independence day, (Apparently she had a new boyfriend, and had decided to spend the fourth of july with his family) I was last in line to talk to her and we had only been chatting for a few minutes when I heard an indistinct male voice on the other end.
“Sarah, is that your boyfriend I hear?”
“Yes, his name is Steve.”
“Well that’s a nice name. Can I talk to him?”
There was a long pause on the other end before Sarah hesitantly asked, “Why?”
“I just want to officially introduce myself.” I lied.
“Oh…okay…” she replied. I could tell that she wasn’t really buying it, but in the end she acquiesced anyway.
There was a momentary rustling on the line, and some muffled voices before a male voice said, “Hello? This is Steve.”
“Hiya, Steve!” I practically shouted into the phone, laying the fake enthusiasm on thick, “This is Josh Abbot. I’m Sarah’s cousin and surrogate older brother.”
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