There was a quick conversation between the two, my mom asking why he was there and my dad asking why she wasn’t picking up her phone. I am not sure if my mom lied or just happen to have a good reason, but the reason she gave was, she was in a meeting with a client and had her phone muted. I remember my dad like, blowing out like his lips got big as he blew out and that’s simply his typical “im tired im out guys.” tell. He even stretched, yawning, looking at me. It took everything in me to not cry, it literally took my complete effort to just, not cry.
He asked if I felt better, if I was alright now. Heh it’s weird. I remember feeling like, trapped like plz don’t leave me alone with her! But there was nothing keeping me there? There was nothing stopping me but myself from leaving, from not being alone with her, simply me, weird huh? Too feel trapped but only to be trapped by yourself lol.
My mom walked my dad out the door, I think they talked for a minute or two, not sure what about but I didn’t feel like waiting for my mom to come in and say or do something, so I simply got up off the couch and glided half dazed to my room, locking the door and just falling on my bed, and rolling up into the center. I laid there, just waiting for her, finally I heard her walking down the hall, stopping in front of my door. There wasn’t even a second of silence, the second she reached my door she immediately knocked, turning the handle, unsuccessfully trying to enter my room.
I didn’t say a work I just sat up and looked at the door, my heart began to feel as if it was sinking down into my stomach. I was expecting her to say open the door, or something, ask how I was? Ask to talk, I don’t know, all I know is she did none of those. Instead she merely asked if I needed anything. I told her I just wanted to be left alone right now. And with a simple alright, I heard her walk away.
So I pretty much laid there for just awhile, not sure how long wasn’t even sure what time it was I am guessing pass 6, considering my mom gets home around 5:30-6 usually. Anyways I got up, bored? But unwilling to leave my room, so I went to my shelves and finally gave in haha. My friend Amy had been trying to get me to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer for like EVER, so I figured what the hell I grabbed the season 1 and figured I will finally give it a shot, she did buy me all 7 seasons after all lol…sorta lame b-day gift when you wanted so many other things, but oh well lol.
Okay I got to say, did not click with me at all the only reason I even got through 4 episodes was because I had NOTHING ELSE TO DO…you know alone…cuz see, I didn’t just not want to leave my room, I really did want to be left alone at that moment. So I just so you all know, it wasn’t for like another year+ Did I finally watch all of Buffy haha. So it was like 11 and I was annoyingly wide awake, it was a Saturday night too so all my friends that didn’t hate me lol where asking me to go out with them. And a few times I will admit I almost just called one or two and told em to come meet up with me but I just never got to it cuz, well…well I had started to wonder what my mom was doing heh.
I hadn’t heard from her and I wonder if she had gone to sleep. But as I wondered if she was sleeping my mind started to think of many other things. What was she thinking all day? Was she really just okay with everything? I thought to myself it makes sense I mean she had wanted this longer then I right? And well I still wasn’t sure if I wanted it even after it had happened. As I walked back and forth in my room, I started to have an urge to go talk to her, to just speak to her but had no idea about what. And foolishly I walked back and forth in my room thinking how to talk to her, do I go hey mom, how was your day? Or do I just gah I don’t even know I actually thought that I just it was stressful wanting, needing to do something and having no idea why, or even exactly what you wanted.
Finally I gave up and told my friends I was going to sleep for the night I wasn’t feeling good which was a lie cuz I was just I had slept a lot that day so I was simply just too awake, despite really wanting nothing more than to just close my eyes and sleep. Eventually, it wasn’t even the need that had me to see my mom tbh lol it was simply boredom, I was bored out of my mind and nothing seemed to be able to keep my interest, so I finally left my room, and slowly very slowly, taking each step to make sure I was ready for…w/e…and well …heh It was that walk to my room that, my body had begun to tingle.
I was taking my time and getting knots in my stomach, wondering now that if I came to her room at night, would she get the wrong idea? Would she think I wanted a repeat of last night? And then as I was outside her door, It was as if that walk from room to room was enough to just go back and forth 100000000 times on what I wanted, and now that I was in front of her door, I was no closer to knowing. All I knew was my body was tingling, my breast were…feeling ticklish? Haha like little fingers were crawling all over them and my stomach was all in knots. I ten asked myself in my mind, had I come here for something? Am I that messed up in the head that I was bored so I went to my mom to…um what? Entertain me? *sigh*
I had decided that I was already there and I was going to at least just, talk to her, but honestly I was so nervous that my shoulders were shaking and I literally no joke was so nervous also that I debated on if I should just walk in or knock for like 3 minutes. I went with the little but quick knock on the door(you know the loud ones you make that are short but fast and when you want to wake someone up or get them out of the bathroom like ASAP) :P.
About like half a second went by without a response lol, so I gave it another quick knock. Then I heard my mom going “Hold on! 1 Second!” My hands clutched open and closed when I heard her voice, I was nervous, but I think, I don’t know maybe it’s just how I feel today, but I think I might have been a little excited. Anyways! The door opened and my mom was wearing only a robe, that she had tightly closed. She was clearly asleep as she was rubbing her eyes, yawning a little. I remember looking at her and smiling a little, she was…so cute. I stood lol oddly quiet, not sure why but I just wanted her to greet me or something, I just didn’t want to ask to come in, I just didn’t. After she gathered herself a little, she looked at me and with a smile asked me what’s up haha…I just, awkwardly responded, telling her I couldn’t sleep, gulping hard and scratching my head, annoyingly aware of what I was doing and screaming at myself to stop being like such a freakin idiot lol.
Well, as I raged at myself in my head, my mom finally gave me the greeting I wanted lol. She just asked, so gently and welcoming, almost like she sounded younger if that makes sense. “Kim, want to come in?” I just nodded a little and said sure. So I came in…and haha god I was so lame back then, I sorta just stood in the room looking around as if I never been in it…haha…Ya…lol. My mom made me jump so much when she put her hands gently but VERY unexpectedly on my shoulders, massaging them for probably half a sec, cuz when I jumped I must of startled her because she quickly let go and apologized.
I lol was like, sorry! Back to her sorry? Haha I know odd but w/e…So like was maybe 2-5 seconds of just awkward silence before my mom just sat on the bed and placed her hands on her laps, gave me a very well what felt like a very sincere motherly smile and asked me what’s up. I sorta just walked around the bed looking at it, thinking how odd it was that that is where it happened, while I just wondered how it must of looked from this point of view. I had heard her, but I had yet to respond so my mom just again asked me
What’s up but this time adding a “Are you okay sweetie?”
My gaze quickly shifted from the bed back to her, I just I didn’t know what to say so I nodded my head no…I nodded my no in response to “What do you want” only issue is…she didn’t ask that haha. So I guess there was a little mess up in communications, it’s like I knew what she said I just was having issues forming words, and she just looked at me very concern and asked me what was wrong. I finally stopped, and with a hard gulp that made my ears popped a little, I said I was fine. My mom asked if I was sure, and I went back to nodding as a response.
Feeling weak in the knees, I sat on the edge of the bed opposite of my mom, but for some reason I felt really really like fluttered and I stood back up, apologizing and asking if it was alright for me to sit down. My mom just haha she laughed at me =( Not like a crazy mean HAHAHA IDIOT FAIL laugh just a little chuckle, giggle? She laughed and I just sighed feeling stupid, I guess causing her to put her hand over her mouth in a very VERY bad attempt in trying to stop herself from laughing.
Okay so this is probably where you are gonna think im a total child/brat but I was thinking of the day I had…the mirror..I broke and how mad I had been earlier, now I didn’t feel angry at all in that moment but I stupidly wanted to…So I tried to muster up some anger and I snapped at her laughing and shouted “It’s not funny! God what is wrong with you!”…My mom immediately then stopped laughing, and she just sighed her head tilted and her eyes wary. She just took a deep breath and said “Baby please, let’s not fight, let’s just talk okay? How was your day?” She asked…
I dunno, maybe I was spent, I had let out all my anger, but when she asked I tried to act upset, I tried to frown my brows and be pissed, but honestly I just the words that came out came out filled with tears as I told her about the mirror I broke…I think I told you earlier how my mom is about breaking stuff its really one of her buttons, like it hits a nerve. So I sorta cried expecting her to rage but she …haha clearly wanted to cuz she started getting worked up, her nose flared open. But haha she let out a long whistle blow? Not sure what to call it lol. I apologized, I said that I would pay for it(not sure how lol). She just looked at me though and just said its fine. But after I guess it was really annoying her cuz she got up and I was like “Wait it’s really bad I haven’t cleaned it yet” (no idea what I would of done tom ake it look better) I was just talking out of panic. But she got up and just walked out, I quickly followed to my bathroom where she entered first, I stood at the door as she was in the middle of the room, hands on her hips as she looked at the mirror and the shattered glass hand pump thingy all over the sink.
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