On more than one occasion after our reconciliation, while my best friend was out having fun, I sat alone in our room and cried. She never told me about her dates any more, and I never asked. Perhaps Ella thought I was jealous or bitter because of how I looked, but we both recognized that her relationships with boys were difficult for me to accept so we avoided the subject.
I felt like we were one of those married couples whose sex life had collapsed. Despite the loss, neither could talk about it because of the pain and shame, vulnerability and anger, so they let it fester and pretend it doesn’t exist. But how could I talk about this with Ella? How could I tell her that I loved her? How could I tell her that I desperately wanted to make love to her? She would abandon me, cut me off, and never want to be close to me again. I was sure of it. This, yes this was God’s punishment for my disgraceful thoughts and feelings. This was the vengeance God extracts from sinners like me. We live in hell on earth, awaiting God’s justice when we finally kneel in front of our maker on judgment day and atone for our sins.
To the best of my knowledge, Ella never detected my aberrant feelings towards her and I carefully hid my struggles and my confusion. As I mentioned, when we were in my room together, or in the bathroom, she would casually walk around naked. So as to not create suspicion, I would do likewise, but sometimes my own wetness would be embarrassing and I would have to go and pee so that I could wipe it away. I would try not to stare at her body, but I had a fascination and an obsession with her breasts, which were as beautiful as any God has ever made. Full, firm, upturned, and crowned with the most appealing nipples. She had large pink areolas that puckered in the cold. Her nipples were large and stood out a quarter inch from her breasts when they were erect. She used to look at them and laugh that she had to put padding in her bra so that her nipples didn’t stand out in church or other occasions where it would be embarrassing.
Maybe I was attracted to Ella’s breasts because mine were such a disappointment to me. She would tell me that my chest was beautiful and I had nothing to be ashamed of, but my boobs were tiny, my nipples like those of a boy, and I knew she was lying to boost my self confidence. I loved her for trying, but I knew that God had not blessed me with a body that attracted men. Having now reached full maturity, I knew there was no hope for a growth spurt. It was my burden to bear.
The summer after my nineteenth birthday was hot and dry, so much so that my Dad was worried about the crops and the livestock. There was barely enough grass to keep the cattle fed and we didn’t have money to buy feed. Everyone was feeling the stress, not just at our house, but at all the farms that were suffering from this damnable weather. My parents argued more and I could see the fear and anxiety wear them down and pull them apart. It was only the strength of their love and their faith in God that kept them together. We eventually had to sell some of our livestock, but prices were low because many farms were doing likewise, so the money we raised was just enough to keep us afloat. We prayed for better weather next year because we couldn’t survive another like this. Why does God test good people so?
In August of that year, we had a particularly long and hot spell. Ella and I spent Saturday doing chores and baked some bread and a pie, but when the work was done, we went for an afternoon walk to the quarry. Because of the persistent and oppressive heat, we decided to go for a swim. There was nobody else around so, as we often did, we stripped naked and jumped into the water. Despite the temperature of the air, the pond was deep and the water was surprisingly cool. After ten minutes of splashing, swimming, and just goofing around, we climbed up onto the bank, sat on the flat smooth rock, and let the warm breeze dry our skin.
“Did you know that girls who live in France have no tan lines around their boobs?” Ella asked, out of the blue. “They just go topless to the beach all the time and have a nice even tan all over.”
“I could never do that. I’d be so embarrassed, but you could do it. You look like a French model with that perfect body of yours,” I said flirtatiously. “And I like your tan lines,” I said. “I think tan lines add something. They show that you aren’t usually naked and that there’s mystery hidden under the material when you wear a bathing suit.”
“If I’m wearing the suit, then you can’t see the tan lines. You’re the only person who can really see my tan lines,” she laughed, so innocently. “Do you think I could be a model? I think my boobs are too big and my bum is too skinny. Would you choose me for a fashion show?” she asked as she stood up and slowly spun before me.
My heart was in my throat, my nipples were now fully erect, and I think my face and chest were flushing red. I could feel the heat again, but this time, it was between my legs. And I could feel the wetness coming. “I think your body is perfect. I wouldn’t change anything,” I replied, trying to keep my voice steady. Ella sat back down beside me, a little bit closer than she was before, and her shoulder brushed against mine. Even this contact made me shiver.
She sat with her legs stretched in front of her and leaned back on her elbows. She closed her beautiful blue eyes and faced directly into the sun. In this position, her breasts stood out like perfect mountains on her chest, her nipples still hard from the cool water. I could see the flatness of her belly, the perfect skin, the long toned legs with dainty feet, and the patch of light brown pubic hair rising from her sex. My mouth was dry, but down below, I was soaking wet.
I peered down at my own naked body and a feeling of hopelessness fell over me. How could Ella ever be sexually attracted to me? I hated my appearance and felt very self conscious about my lack of feminine curves. “What are you staring at?” Ella asked.
“My nipples are so small. What man is going to want to marry me Ella? They’re like ant hills. There’s no separation between the nipple and the pink part around it. Yours are like someone took an orange and then cut a grape in half and stuck the grape onto the orange. They’re so perfect. That’s why every guy in the county wants to date you.”
“Don’t be silly Hailey, your breasts are very attractive,” she said and then reached over and pinched my right nipple two or three times to make it stand up. “You see, when it’s hard, it stands out. Boys will love your boobs,” she said with a sincere smile, but my nipples were already hard before she touched me, so I knew she was lying.
Though my nipples were tiny, they were very sensitive so when Ella pinched my little pink cone, she triggered intense contractions down below and a flood of liquid soaked my sex. I had to stop myself from moaning, it felt so good. Ella returned to her reclining position and she looked like a goddess lying in the sun. Since her eyes were closed, I reached down between my own legs and pressed my fingers into my sex, applying pressure to my clit which was already out from under its hood. I was now lying on my side, propped up on one elbow, facing this immensely erotic example of God’s handiwork. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t keep from touching myself. Without making a sound, I started slowly encircling my clit with my middle finger, keeping a close watch on Ella so I could stop immediately if she opened her eyes.
Ella moved, so I quickly withdrew my hand and placed it on my hip. False alarm as she lay back on the rock in a reclining position, used her forearms as pillows, and again closed her eyes. Her skin shone in the sun, little drops of water all over her, and I so desperately wanted to lick them off.
After a few minutes, she dozed off, so I slowly let my hand drift back towards my pussy. While filling my eyes with this sensual beauty in front of me, I began gently massaging my lips, just working around my clit this time. I traced circles and gently patted my little bud, building up towards an orgasm that was coming remarkably quickly. I kept my breathing steady though my heart was starting to race. I quickened the pace of my middle finger, now firmly placed over my clit. I could feel the wave coming and I moved my other hand to my nipple, which I pinched and twisted.
My eyes scanned Ella’s body, moving from place to place as my orgasm built. Her soft full lips, naturally pink and always smiling. How much I wanted to kiss them, to run my tongue over them, to taste them. Her shoulders, straight and strong, covered with flawless skin and the sexiest tan lines. I wanted to caress her shoulders with just my fingertips. Her breasts, though young and firm, rolled slightly to the sides as she lay on her back creating a beautiful curve just under her armpit. Crowned with the most perfect nipples that were so reactive that the slightest breeze would cause them to stiffen. Her areolas were beautifully round and symmetric, and pink like her lips. I longed to take them in my mouth and caress them with my tongue.
As I stared at Ella and fantasized about making love to her, I slipped a finger into my vagina and felt shock waves spread from my sex to every part of my body. And then I followed the line of her stomach to the soft mound of pubic hair that rose up between her legs. I so wanted to look, to examine, to open her outer lips and peer inside, but I could never find a way to explore her sex in detail without giving away my secret desire.
report I’d looked at my own sex using a hand mirror, and found it hideous. My outer lips were thin and even when not aroused, my inner lips protruded through. I had a mole on my left labia that looked like I was diseased. No man, and certainly no woman, could be attracted to the most intimate region of my body. But Ella, her labia were plump, rounded and perfect. They started at the cleft at the top of her mound and swooped gracefully towards her bum. They were flawless and covered with a light layer of angel’s hair. I looked whenever I could, stared if she was looking away, but I seldom got a glimpse of what lay between the outer lips. The inner lips and the opening to her womb were like treasures I’d only imagined. I felt like a teenage boy who has never seen a naked woman and thinks of little else besides what she looks like unclothed.
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