“I’m not stupid and I’m not deaf. Oh Ella, please don’t stop Ella, harder Ella, Oh! Oh! Oh! Yes, right there. Use your tongue! Use your fingers. Oh I’m cuming. It’s a wonder everyone in the house didn’t hear you.”
I didn’t know what to say. Ella just looked back and forth from me to Rosanne, also lost for words.
“OK, it was no big secret, you know. About you two being in love. You guys have been in love for as long as I can remember. I’m just surprised it took this long for you to actually have sex. If it were me, I would’ve done it long ago.
“Why didn’t you tell me Hailey? I’m your sister. You should have trusted me. You should have confided in me. Maybe then I could have confided in you. Maybe then you would’ve been the big sister I needed when I had secrets and no one to tell them to.”
“Who else knows?” I asked.
“That you’re in love? Everyone. That you had sex this morning? Probably just me because I was walking past your door on my way to the toilet when I heard you hard at it. I stopped and listened for a while, just to make sure I knew what was happening. I wish you would have told me. I wish you trusted me that much.” Before I could say anything, she picked up her things and left the kitchen.
“You need to have a heart to heart with Rosanne, and soon,” Ella said seriously.
“I know. I will.”
“I don’t think she’s upset about us. She’s just hurt that you didn’t tell her.”
“But there was nothing to tell until last night. We didn’t do anything before that. What should I have told her, that I’m in love with you?” I asked.
“Yes, I think that’s exactly what she wanted. She wanted you to trust that she wouldn’t stop loving you because you’re a lesbian.”
The word shocked me. I was a lesbian. Until Ella said the word, I willfully ignored the fact that I was in love with, and having amazing sex with, another woman. How could I deny to myself, or to God, that I was a lesbian and a sinner? How could I be so happy and so sad at the same time.
“You need time to process all this, Hailey. I’m heading out now. Let’s meet this afternoon at the big oak tree near the creek and maybe, by then, you’ll be ready to talk.”
“I’m ready now,” I protested.
“Not yet my beautiful babe. Think it all through first. Get right with yourself and with God, or at least as right as you can, and then we’ll talk. I’ll tell you about the preacher’s wife and how she changed my life. That might help you find peace, like it helped me.”
“What preacher’s wife?” I asked, completely confused.
“Four o’clock, at the oak tree. I’ll tell you the story then. We’ll talk about everything. There’s so much I want to tell you. So much I want to say. I’ve been holding this in for five years. Now I can finally tell you everything that I’ve been hiding. I’ve loved you since we were both fourteen. Not like two girlfriends, or like sisters. I’ve loved you, well, I showed you this morning and I’ve wanted to love you like that since I was old enough to understand the kind of love that’s usually between a man and a woman. But sometimes, it can be between two women. It’s been my secret for five years. And now, no more secrets between us.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I demanded.
“Four o’clock, at the oak tree.” With that, she picked up a piece of toast, and left.
I couldn’t eat, so I went looking for Rosanne. I found her in the yard and asked her to sit with me and talk. We ended up talking for two hours. I told her everything and she accepted without much surprise and without judgment. She told me that she had lost her virginity at age sixteen, and wanted to tell me about it and ask for some comfort, but didn’t feel we were close enough to confide such a huge mistake. We both cried, and hugged, and promised to be there for each other for the rest of our days on God’s earth. I only then realized how blessed I was to have her for a sister.
As we parted, she said over her shoulder, “Oh, and Billy is pretty sure you and Ella are lesbians too, but he won’t say anything if you don’t. Maybe that’s another conversation you need to have.”
And she was right. I was going to sit down and have a conversation with Billy too, and soon.
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