“I…uh…” I didn’t know what to say. “Are we really talking about this?” I said, with attitude, as I shoved past her and went back downstairs to the party. It was harsh, but I really didn’t want to talk to her about my masturbation habits. I already felt awkward enough having been caught by her.
So I ate a slice or two of pizza, but that was all I could manage. I just wasn’t hungry. I pretended to be enjoying myself, but I wasn’t. How could I be? I was just caught jerking off by my cousin, who was the one I was jerking off to in the first place…FOR A SECOND TIME. My mind was elsewhere. Until I realized that Jill hadn’t come downstairs yet, and it had been almost a forty-five minutes since she caught me. What was she doing up there?
I was talking to a few friends when I felt a violent tap on my shoulder. I turned around, and saw Jill, leering at me. “Come with me.” Obviously, I complied. She was clearly mad, for some reason, and I didn’t want to give her reason to be more mad. But why was she mad? Why was she just showing her face after nearly an hour of being in my room? What did she find in my room? Did she use some sort of black light and find all of the cum stains on my sheets? But I’d just changed my sheets, that couldn’t be it. What the hell was I in trouble for? Unless…
We got to my room, and she shut the door hard behind her. “Sit.” I did. She stood, arms crossed, leaning against the door, continuing to leer at me. If I wasn’t so scared, I’d have been turned on. She looked so hot, being this angry. Unfortunately, I had a terrible feeling about what might have made her this way.
“Got something you wanna tell me?” she asked, still glaring at me. I did have something to tell her, and I think she knew exactly what it was that I had to tell her. But I wasn’t going to. I decided to play dumb.
“Huh?” She broke the death stare, grabbed my computer chair, rolled it over to me, and sat directly across from me.
“I spent a a half hour up here, piecing it all together.” It was at that moment, that I knew for certain that she figured it out. My stomach dropped. “And I spent another fifteen minutes, trying to decide if I wanted to confront you about it. So I decided I’m going to. Because I couldn’t get it out of my head, so talking about it seemed best.” I knew exactly what she was talking about, and the exact thought process she was going through. But still, I played dumb.
“What the hell are you–”
“You were jerking off to me!”
Well there it was. Out in the open. She knew, and there was no more hiding it. Playing dumb was a stupid move at this point. She saw right through it, anyway.
“Well!?” she said, apparently waiting for me to say something. What the fuck was I supposed to say? ‘You’re right, I want to fuck you until you can no longer walk’? Right. That would go over really well…
“Wh–what am I supposed to say to that?” Honestly, what in the world could I have said?
“Just tell me,” she said, closing her eyes. She opened them and took a deep breath. “Is it true?”
I looked at her, hesitated, and nodded. She closed her eyes again, but this time made a disgusted face. I felt like a complete dirt bag. The silence went on for too long. I had to say something, and I had something to say.
“How did you figure that out?” she didn’t even look at me. She was definitely planning on explaining, but this was just too much for her to handle. Finally, she looked at me.
“I was thinking about the first time I caught you. We had just said hello to each other. I had just gotten to your house. Then I realized, that was the same exact case this time. So I gave it some thought, and it dawned on me: I always catch you looking at me. Whether it’s when I’m putting on sunscreen in a bikini, or just sitting down, watching TV. I always catch you watching me. You quickly turn away, probably thinking that I would think nothing of it, and you were right. I really didn’t. You’re my cousin. Why would I think you’re looking at me in any sort of weird way? Then I remembered the time down the shore. When I caught you looking in between my legs. Again, I really thought nothing of it at the time. But when I caught you, you ran away. Obviously you were up to something. But you were young. Curious. So I figured, whatever. But all of it coming together over the past few years… And on top of all of that, you always hug me really tight, for a really long time.” That last statement threw me for a loop. So what? Everyone else hugged her tight, too.
“So?”
“I could feel your…you know…” My eyes widened and my face got really hot. She felt my cock every time I hugged her? And she didn’t think anything of it? “It happens a lot when I hug guys. I feel their erection. It’s not uncommon. You, being a young man going through puberty, felt my boobs pushing up against you, and got a hard on. At least, that’s what I assumed. Obviously I was wrong.”
“No,” I interrupted. I have no clue why I did, but I did. There was no going back now.
“What?”
“No, you weren’t wrong. It was your boobs. You know…pushing up against me.” Why the fuck am I opening my mouth right now? She was obviously wondering the same thing, as she gave me a look of disgust, combined with puzzlement.
“Everything just fit together,” she continued. “You hug me, get an erection, and feel the need to relieve it immediately. Do you have that little self control?” A look of realization consumed her face. “Oh god… It was because I touched you, wasn’t it? I touched your chest and abs, and that turned you on. Didn’t it?”
“Well…yeah.”
She held her head in her hands as she took all of this in. Oddly enough, it wasn’t affecting me. It felt good to finally get this out. I’d been attracted to her for five years. Frankly, it was about time someone found out.
We sat in silence for what might as well have been an hour. You could cut the tension with a knife. Finally, she said something.
“I’m leaving tomorrow morning. I’m gonna tell everyone it’s a work thing. And I’m gonna sleep on the couch. I don’t need you getting off on me sleeping in your bed.”
The rest of the night was a complete blur. I honestly don’t even remember if I went back down to the party, or just went to bed as soon as Jill left my room. It didn’t matter. This was the shittiest I’d felt in…ever.
The next morning, I woke up to Jill saying goodbye to everyone. It sucked. She was supposed to stay for a few days, but she felt so uncomfortable with everything that she felt the need to get out of there as soon as possible. She didn’t say goodbye to me, and I understood why.
As she packed her car, I felt like I had to say something. I couldn’t let her leave just like that. It felt…unresolved. She got in her car and started it. This was my last chance, if I was going to say something. I bolted outside and stopped her just as she put her car in gear. She rolled down her window.
“Jill, you can’t leave just because of me. It’s not fair to everyone else.” I expected her to say something, but she didn’t. So I continued, “I’ll do whatever it takes to make you feel more comfortable. If that means not being in the same room as you all weekend, fine.” She almost seemed taken aback by the fact that I was actually saying this to her. I was taken aback, myself. This was unlike me. I was always one to keep my mouth shut. But this was too big. I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. Not this time.
She sat, hands on her steering wheel, just looking down at her lap.
“If I could change things so that I wasn’t attracted to you, I would. But you’re an attractive woman. I’ve thought so my whole life. For as long as I can remember, I always thought you were pretty. It wasn’t until I got older that I thought you were…well…hot. I sometimes forget we’re related! That’s how attractive you are!”
“Okay, Alex, you can stop.”
“No, this has been eating me up for years. I’m attracted to you. I’m attracted to my cousin. If that’s disgusting, fine. But I don’t see it that way. When I look at you, and when I think about you, I don’t see my cousin. I see a gorgeous girl with an amazing personality. In my mind, you’re not my cousin. If I could have it my way, we wouldn’t be. I’m not attracted to you simply for the fact that you’re my cousin. I’m attracted to YOU. You, as a person.”
I was done. There was nothing else I could say. Now I just had to wait for what she wanted to say. She continued to stare down at her lap for a while. Then she looked up, put her car into gear, and said, “I have to go,” then drove away.
Well, fuck. That didn’t go exactly as I’d hoped. But in all honesty, as I watched her drive off, I felt like I was filled with helium. An enormous weight lifted off my shoulders. I didn’t really want to think about where our cousin-cousin relationship would go from there. I just went back inside, dawlded up to my room, collapsed onto my bed, and just lied there. My mind was blank. It was so much to take in, that I just shut it all out.
As the week went on, I just sunk lower and lower, feeling worse and worse with each day. Before I knew it, it was Friday, and I hadn’t left my room to do anything but eat and go to the bathroom. My mom poked her head in every now and then to see if I was okay, and I just put on a happy face and told her I was fine.
Weeks passed, and my 18th birthday came along. This was supposed to be an exciting day, officially becoming an adult. But nope. I was still in the dumps, an entire month and a half after I opened up to Jill. I couldn’t foresee things getting any better.
I didn’t really know why I was upset. It wasn’t because I missed her. It wasn’t even because I was afraid our relationship was ruined. I think it was because — after finally opening up to her — I realized nothing was ever going to happen between us. Ever. Before, I could imagine us together. I could just pretend that I would get to fuck her some day. All of that had been shattered. And I was taking hard. Much harder than I would have expected. There was definitely something else that was bothering me, but I didn’t know what it was. No matter how hard I thought, how deep into my soul I searched, I just couldn’t figure out what was keeping me down so low.
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