A few days had passed, and I still had nothing. I was talking to Noelle via text messaging, and on Facebook, but I hadn’t had a real conversation with her in almost a month. I was being selfish. I had to talk to her. But then what do I say? No. I can’t talk to her. Not yet. Not until I figure something out.
I was on my computer, thinking all of this over, and I happened to have Facebook open. I hear the message sound. I click over to Facebook, expecting it to be a message from Noelle, but it wasn’t. It was from Jill.
Jill: “Hey, stud! How’s school?”
Fuck, she called me stud. That was so hot. Now she’s got me all turned on and shit…
Me: “Not too bad. Just got back from Spring Break a few days ago.”
Jill: “Nice. How was it?”
Me: “Great. Felt nice to not have to worry about anything for a week.”
Jill: “Yeah, I remember working for the breaks. How’s the girlfriend?”
Me: “Eh.”
Jill: “Oh no. What does that mean…”
Me: “We’re sort of on a break.”
Jill: “How come?”
Me: “We just started to feel like we were spending too much time together.”
Jill: “Yeah, you gotta give each other some room to breathe in the beginning. I know all you wanna do it be together at that time, but when you’re just working out the kinks of the relationship, it’s never good to be around each other for too long at once.”
Me: “Yeah, we’re learning that the hard way.”
Jill: “We all do, unfortunately. But every realtionship is different, so it’s best you find out the hard way. That way you can figure it out by experiencing it, rather than trying to go by textbook.”
Me: “Yeah.”
She was so smart. Which just made me all the more attracted to her.
Jill: “So, listen, if you ever wanna take a weekend away from school, just let me know. I’ll come pick you up and you can stay with me for a couple of days.”
Me: “Really?”
Jill: “Yeah! Then I’ll drive you back on Sunday or whenever. Why, is that a problem?”
Yes.
Me: “No, not at all! I just figured you wouldn’t really be too comfortable with that, since…you know.”
Jill: “Yes, I do know. But I could tell you were done with that. You had no problems over Christmas, and I felt like we were friends again.”
Me: “Gotcha.”
Jill: “You are done with that, right?”
No.
Me: “Yeah, of course! I just wasn’t sure you were over it entirely. You seemed pretty affected by it.”
Jill: “Yeah, I was. But I’ve had plenty of time to think about it, and when I saw you at Christmas, it eased my mind. So I’m okay now. But if I get even the slightest hint that it’s not over for you, we’re right back where we started. Understand?”
Me: “Absolutely.”
Jill: “Great. So you’ll take me up on my offer, right?”
Me: “Definitely. As a matter of fact, could we do that this weekend? I need to get away from here for a bit.”
Jill: “Sure, but weren’t you just away from there for a week?”
Me: “Yeah, I just need some more time away from Noelle.”
Jill: “Ah. Okay then. I understand completely. When do you get done class tomorrow?”
Me: “My only class tomorrow ends at 10am.”
Jill: “Oh, sweet! That works perfectly! I can pick you up at 11ish, and we can grab some lunch. That okay?”
Me: “Perfect!”
Jill: “Alright, I’ll see you tomorrow! I’ll call you when I’m close to get some directions to your dorm building.”
Me: “Sounds good.”
Jill: “Okay, bye!”
Me: “Bye!”
God dammit, why did I just do that? I wanted to, but I really shouldn’t have. She’s the reason me and Noelle aren’t doing well, so by being with her all weekend, I’ll be running toward the problem. Not away from it. Dammit. Oh well, I hadn’t seen her in 3 months, so it was about time I saw her, anyway. Even if it’s just to catch up, or whatever. I’ll just have to do my best to repress any and every thought that runs through my head while I’m with her. That’s easy enough, right?
11am the next morning came all too quickly. I had just gotten off the phone with her, so she would be pulling up any minute. I hadn’t even told Noelle that I was leaving. I probably should have, but no communication means no communication. It’s just a weekend. She won’t miss me.
Jill got there, walked around to open the trunk, and she gave me a hug. I thought about my old lady psychology teacher naked. It was the first thing to come to my mind that would keep me from getting a boner. And what d’ya know — it worked.
The car ride was basically just me telling her about all of my classes this semester. It wasn’t anything too exciting, but she gave me all the best advice, only furthering my opinion that she’s super smart.
We ate lunch at Red Robin. We continued talking about school, but the main topic turned into Noelle. And before I realized it, the conversation got really personal.
“We were just together far too often,” I said. “We were getting bored of each other. The spark was gone, and the flame wasn’t lit. To be honest, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back together.”
“Yeah, that’s tough…” she said. Then that’s where the conversation took a weird turn. “How often did you guys…you know…?” I almost choked on my burger.
“Um…like a few times a week?” I said, not sure why I was actually answering that question.
“Because if you do it too much, you can lose the freshness of the relationship very quickly. The sex is what keeps the flame going. If you get too used to each other in bed, everything becomes pretty predictable, and frankly, boring.” What she was saying made a lot of sense. I was just a little surprised she asked it. I guess she was just trying to help.
The rest of lunch went pretty much the same: I told her about my problems, she helped me come up with solutions. Just being the best person I’d ever known.
We arrived at Jill’s place — a place I’d never been — and she told me I could sleep in the guest bedroom. She had a split level, two-story house. Her bedroom was on the second floor, mine was on the first, along with the kitchen and living room.
She let me watch her TV while she went out and did some food shopping. She made me dinner, and we talked some more, this time about her job and what’s going on in her life. The way she made it out, she had a great life going for her. Good job, good friends, making good money… it wasn’t too shabby for a single 32-year-old woman.
That night, we watched a movie. When it was over, it wasn’t even midnight. But I decided to go to bed, anyway. When I got there, I couldn’t do anything but think. My life was so great just a few short months ago. What happened? I had a great girlfriend, and not a care in the world. Now, I’m in love with my cousin, who I’m only falling in love with more, as I spend time with her, to get away from my girlfriend, who I’m only apart from because of my cousin. It was a mess, and there was no way of cleaning it up. I felt like I was at the bottom of a pit. The thought of it overcame me. I started crying. I was never a crier, but I just didn’t know what else to do. I was in love with two women, one moreso than the other, and the one I was in love with more, I could never be with. But I didn’t want to be with the one I loved a little less, because of the fact that I was madly in love with the first one. It was too much to handle, and I just broke down.
Jill must have heard me, because she knocked on my door.
“Come in,” I said, doing my best to disguise me voice so that it sounded like I wasn’t crying. But she saw it on my face as soon as she entered. She came rushing over to me, sat on the bed, and gave a huge hug.
“Oh my god, what’s wrong!” she asked, genuinely concerned. I couldn’t really talk. She just made me burst out crying even more. “Alex, what is the matter? Is it something with Noelle? What happened? Talk to me!”
I took a deep breath.
“I just can’t do this,” I said.
“Do what??”
“I love Noelle so much–”
“That’s great!” she interrupted.
“I love her so much, that I can’t be with her right now.”
“What? Why? What do you mean?”
“I’m in love with someone else,” I said, still unsure if I wanted to come out and say it.
“Oh boy…that’s tough.”
“It’s you.” I went for it. There was no other way to go about this. She pulled away immediately. She didn’t leave my side, though. I think she was too shocked to stand.
“What?” she said, just staring at me blankly.
“I can’t be with Noelle, because I’m in love with you just a little more than I am with her. And I love her too much to do that to her. But I know nothing will ever happen between you and me, and that is killing me. It’s just….killing me.”
Silence. She just stared at me.
“You…” she muttered. “You’re in love with me?” I nodded. “How– what– I’m–” She couldn’t find the words. “I’m your fucking cousin.” She had an upset tone, but she remained calm, for the most part. More calm than I deserved, anyway.
“I know. It’s wrong. Believe me, I know that. That’s why I can’t do this, anymore. I can’t be with her, because I love her too much, and I can’t be with you, so I’m just gonna be with no one.” Then she did something that shocked me beyond words. She hugged me. Tight. Like she was seriously worried about me. Like I was about to go off to war, or something.
“I’m so sorry, Alex,” she said. “I’m so sorry.” I decided to hug her back. “I honestly don’t know what to say, or do at this point. I thought it was just a sexual thing. I didn’t realize it was affecting you this much.” She pulled away from the hug, but kept her arms on my shoulders. “I really wish there was something I could do. I hate seeing you this hurt because of me.” I didn’t know what to say. There really was nothing she could do. I just looked at her. And she looked back at me. We just looked at each other for a few long seconds. Then…
She kissed me. Right on the mouth. Out of dumbfoundedness, I pulled away immediately.
“What are you doing?”
“Sshhh…” She kissed me again. I went with it. I kissed her back. I moved my arms and placed my hands on her sides. She moved hers to my neck. I slipped my tongue into her mouth. She did the same. We were making out. I was making out with her. I was making out with Jill. This was actually happening. I had to take my arm away from her side for a second to pinch myself. Nope. Not a dream. This was real. I was making out with my cousin.
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