At the end of August, I was starting college. I was going to a university that was halfway to Jill’s place. Still pretty far away, but much closer than before. Before, she lived over 100 miles away. Now it was a mere 52.4 miles (yes, I’d looked it up).
It was now going on three months of not even hearing from her.
During my first week of college, I met a lot of people. Some I liked, a lot I didn’t. But there was one person that I enjoyed spending time with more than anyone. Her name was Noelle. I got the feeling she felt the same way, because for the first weekend, they had a freshman dance/mixer, and encouraged pairing up, and she expressed interest in going with me. I ended up asking her, and she said yes. We had such a great time, that we scheduled a time to hang out, just the two of us. Almost like a date.
It turned into two dates. Then three dates. And on the fourth date, I kissed her. I knew there was something special about this girl. Something irreplacable. She actually wanted to be with me. This was something no other girl had ever shown any interest in doing. I just wasn’t great around girls. But this girl was different. She was interested in me. AND she was smoking hot. I couldn’t let her get away.
It was nearing October, and still I’d heard nothing from Jill. I had found out she got a Facebook page (by looking her up), but she never accepted my friend request. But I didn’t care anymore. That wasn’t important to me. School was now my priority. But even moreso, Noelle. We had been spending many hours a day with each other. She made me feel like no one did. No one but Jill.
And it was then, as I watched her read her Harry Potter book, that I realized… I was in love with Jill. I had suspicions of it before, but it was never something I actually thought to be true. When I realized I was in love with Noelle — that I would die for her — I also realized that that was what I felt for Jill. That was why I was so depressed. I was in love with her. I was in love with my cousin.
Thankfully, I had Noelle to keep my mind off of her, because had I never met her, it might have still been eating at me. But I didn’t think about it at all for the next two months. Not until Christmas.
I went home for Christmas, and told everyone about Noelle. They were all very happy for me. And I was happier than I’d ever been in my entire life. But it eventually hit me that I’d be seeing Jill over Christmas break. We saw her every year, excluding the previous year. I asked my mom, and she confirmed it. She was visiting the 22nd to the 23rd. And they’d made plans to go downtown and shop. Whether or not I was invited, I didn’t know. It didn’t matter. I wasn’t going. I didn’t want to be around Jill, and she sure as hell didn’t want to be around me.
The day came that she was visiting. I decided to make it a point not to hug her. She didn’t like that, and I didn’t want to force her to do something she didn’t like.
She arrived, and the moment I saw her, I realized… all of it was gone. The feelings, the attraction, just gone. I felt literally nothing. But I had to be sure. So I gave her a hug, felt her breasts push up against me, and…nothing. When I pulled back, I saw a tiny look of happy-impressed on her face. I didn’t have a boner. This was awesome. There was nothing there. No feelings, no attraction, no desire to pounce her and squeeze her lady parts. Nothing. Zilch. Zero. Nada. This was going to be a good two days.
As we spent time together, having family conversations, catching up and whatnot, I think she realized that whatever I felt for her had vanished. I don’t know how she knew, but the more we talked, the more comfortable she seemed to feel.
At the end of the night, when everyone was heading to bed, I approached her.
“I just want you to know that everything I felt about you,” I said. “It’s gone.” She smiled.
“That’s good to hear,” she said. “But how?”
“Well, I have a girlfriend now.”
“Oh really?” she seemed genuinely happy to hear that. “What’s her name?”
“Noelle. She’s great. I’ve never been so happy in my life. I think it’s a combination of that, and the fact that I just got it all out there. Knowing that nothing could ever happen between us, and coming to that realization, helped me get over you.”
“Get over me? You make it sound like you had feelings for me.”
I didn’t say anything. I just let out a nervous laugh.
“Well that’s great,” she said, and she walked away.
She didn’t sleep in my bed. When my mom questioned her, she insisted that I was too old to be giving up my bed, and that she had absolutely no problem crashing on the couch.
The rest of the weekend went great. It was like our relationship was back to normal. Better than normal, in fact. Because for the past six years, normal was me resisting the urge to pounce her, and her knowing nothing about it. Now it was strictly a cousin-cousin relationship. And I couldn’t have been happier.
Over the next few months, Noelle and I got really close, and very far in our relationship. We told each other ‘I love you’, were having sex on the regular, and spending most of our time together. But I think we were spending too much time together. Because by March, we were growing tired of each other. It wasn’t that we were starting to hate each other, or fall out of love with each other. We were just getting bored of each other. We had sex at least every other night and spent hours a day with each other. It was almost as if we were married. We were honest with each other, and told one another that we felt like we should spend some time apart. We weren’t breaking up. We were just…on a break, as Ross and Rachel would put it. We agreed to start back up after Spring Break, which was a couple of weeks away.
Over Spring Break, I saw that Jill had accepted my friend request on Facebook. I decided to check out her profile. I read what she wrote in ‘About me’, what some of her statuses were, and looked at some of her photos. Some people would call this stalking, but it was completely harmless. Until I came across a picture of her in a tight gold dress. It showed off her figure, displayed her cleavage, and thanks to the way she was posed in the picture, outlined her butt. I almost instantly got a boner. I wrote it off, though, because I was just horny. I hadn’t had sex in two weeks, and hadn’t really had the desire to jerk off much. But as I continued to scroll through her pictures, I just got more and more turned on — pictures of her at a club, dancing…pictures of her in yoga pants…pictures of her in bikinis… all of it was just too much. I shut the computer and went to get a glass of water. I wasn’t going to do this again. I was done being attracted to my cousin. I wasn’t going to jerk off to her. I just wasn’t.
I chugged the water, and stood at the sink as I tried to let my erection go down. It just wasn’t happening. Those images weren’t leaving my mind. But I was getting that feeling again — that feeling in my stomach, like butterflies, but better. That feeling I always got when I looked at Jill. It overcame me, and caused me to go against my better judgement. I decided to keep looking at pictures of Jill.
I went back upstairs and opened up her page. I looked at how many photos she had: over 200! This was going to be fun. I looked through all of her albums, from a wedding she was in, to a summer vacation album, to a ‘day in New York City’ album, to her godson’s Christening, to an album with random pictures, and so many more. I found a few that I really liked and kept them open. One was of her laying down at the beach. She was on her stomach, so I could see her ass, and she was propped up, so I could see her cleavage. One was of her standing next to a statue in Central Park. She was leaning against it, like she was doing standing pushups against it, so I could see her side figure — her boobs and her butt sticking out beautifully. And the last one — my favorite one — was a picture of her and a friend at the gym. She was in yoga pants and a tank top. The tank top displayed her boobs and her upper figure, while the yoga pants were tight around her hips and legs, accenting her lower figure. But the best part of all, was there was a wall of mirrors behind them. So I got a front view, and back view of her at the same time.
All of these pictures overwhelmed me with horniness, and that inexplicable feeling Jill used to give me. I felt my cock, and I had a bunch of precum on my tip. I had to do it. I couldn’t control myself. I had to jerk off. And so I did. And it only took about a minute for me to cum. And when I did cum, it was a lot. I came to the gym picture, and as I came, it all came rushing back to me. All of the feelings I had for her. I was still attracted to her. I still wanted to fuck her silly. I was still in love with her.
I cleaned myself up, and thought about it. It wasn’t my horniness talking, either. I had just came, so I wasn’t even horny. It was my brain. It was me, realizing that those feelings never went away. They were just pushed aside while I was occupied with another girl. Don’t get me wrong, I was still very much in love with Noelle. I was just also in love with Jill.
This wasn’t good.
When Spring Break was over, I had to tell Noelle that I wanted to keep the break going for a while. She was hesitant at first, but she didn’t question me. She trusted me. And I felt horrible. She trusted me, and she shouldn’t have. I wasn’t cheating on her, but I was in love with another woman. Her trusting me made me feel like absolute shit.
I didn’t know what I was going to do with the extra time I asked of her. Hell, I didn’t even know how much more time I wanted. I just needed to figure something out. Maybe if I fuck Noelle again, it’ll get my mind off of Jill? Well, but then what if that doesn’t work? I’ll feel even more horrible, and I’ll feel like I used her. I could always just get back with Noelle, and pretend there’s nothing wrong. What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her, right? Well, it’ll make me feel like a douche for thinking about my cousin while I’m fucking my girlfriend. And then what if she found out? Then I’d be really fucked. I was in quite the dilemma, fighting my own conscience. But I had to figure something out, and soon.
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