I hear Kate momentarily stir on the other side of the room, and Lisa’s soft mumbling in her sleep in the bed beside mine. I pull on my pjs and think about how I am going to explain my absence to them when they wake up. My stomach twists at the idea of going about pretending that everything is exactly as it was before.
Then, the overwhelming tiredness makes my eyes become heavy and my body slides underneath the thin bed sheets. I feel cold despite the scorching temperature and wrap myself in the sheets to make a cocoon. In the darkness of the impersonal hotel room and my best friends surrounding me, I can give myself space to rest and regroup. But even as I close my eyes, I hear that gorgeous voice resounding in my mind.
Give yourself to me, Cassidy. Trust me.
***
“So. Are you going to tell us what happened? Or do I have to torture it out of you?’ says Lisa suddenly.
I laugh, hoping to make a joke out of it, but when Kate also looks at me with a serious expression on par with Lisa’s, I know that I am not getting out of this. I have successfully managed to avoid talking about my disappearing act last night as the airport run and packing kept us all occupied. You’d think that a few hours away from them would have just slipped past their notice but it’s very out of character for me to just disappear with only a vague idea of where I was going, especially in a foreign country.
I stare at them both and smile in what I hope is a very lighthearted way.
“Just went exploring for a bit. I haven’t really had much of a chance to see the city.”
Lisa can see through the bullshit straight away, and I flash a pleading look to her not to say another word but…
“With that man you met at the party?”
“You went off with someone? Who?” Kate says incredulously.
“Well. He told me his name was Grayson. That’s all I really know,” hoping that this will be the end of the conversation.
“I know you can’t expect to get his whole family history in one conversation,” says Kate with an unusual element of teasing in her voice, “but surely you got just a little bit of the basics before you…”
“Oh. We didn’t…” I pause before continuing, “…We had a nice time talking. We then went to another bar across from the place where the party was and just talked.”
Both of them burst out laughing, they have always been able to tell when I am lying.
“About time, we were worried you had forgotten how to use it, didn’t we, Kate?”
Kate continues to laugh and I can’t help but feel annoyed at the way these two are ganging up on me.
“Well. That’s the truth. Like it or lump it,” I say stiffly.
Lisa and Kate carry on laughing and I feel the laughter grate more on my nerves with every passing moment. Then Lisa stops and says very carefully,
“Okay. Now tell us the truth, Cassidy. We both know you’ve been gagging for it for months now,” Lisa says with a teasing tone.
I take the coward’s way out and look over to Kate in surprise, “Since when do you join in with her teasing?”
“I’m sorry, Cassidy. I didn’t mean to laugh. I didn’t think it was a big deal. We’ve just been concerned for you, that’s all, and what with you getting laid last night…”
“I DIDN’T!”
Kate stops laughing immediately, and her expression is once again schooled into one of impassivity. I mentally kick myself for being rude to my best friend.
“I’m sorry, Kate. I didn’t mean to shout. I just don’t want to talk about it.”
“So something did happen then?” Lisa responds in triumph.
I love Lisa, but it’s damn near impossible to keep anything from her. She can read people like a book, especially me.
“I didn’t say that,” I reply defensively.
“You don’t have to. It’s written all over your face. You might as well have just come back with your knickers in your handbag,” she snickers.
“I am not that easy,” I say, knowing exactly how stupid that sounds.
“Well. Whoever he was, I have never seen him before,” says Lisa. “And believe me, I know most of the people that come to that exact party every year.”
I think on that for a moment. How come Lisa didn’t recognise him? She would have to know who was coming to the party as her firm is the one who organised it.
“What did you say his name was again?” Lisa asks curiously, staring at her phone and tapping the screen.
“Grayson.” I answer, not quite sure where she is going with this.
She searches through her phone and frowns ” I can’t find his name anywhere on here.”
“I thought he looked pretty real.” I say, with a slight smile, “And anyway, he was probably a gate crasher or came as a plus one.”
Lisa narrows her eyes again but then she responds with: “Fair point. And he was quite the looker. I wouldn’t have said no.”
Kate opens her mouth, then closes it again, and I make a conscious effort to watch my tone. “What is it, Kate?”
“It’s… it’s just that… it’s not like you to be so secretive, Cass. I appreciate we don’t have to know everything, but you seem pretty determined not to say anything at all. Did he.. hurt you?” she says, in a serious tone.
This is one of the many reasons I love Kate. Underneath her shyness is someone who really cares for her friends and she’s determined to put aside her fear of causing offence to make sure I’m okay.
“No, Kate. He didn’t. He was very much a gentleman. I really enjoyed myself. I never once felt unsafe.”
Her relief is palpable, and it seems like she is prepared to let it go, but Lisa’s curiosity is peaked.
“When did you notice he was there? Did you talk to anyone else?” Lisa asks, irritating me further. I don’t even know why I am getting so defensive and secretive of our time together, given she already knows at least something of that night.
“I was only there a few minutes and he kind of… intrigued me” I say cautiously
“What was he like?” Lisa probes.
“Very handsome. And strangely unbothered by everything. Even the heat… mind you he was in the corner with the air conditioning on full blast. It kind of rippled through his white crisp shirt rolled up to the elbows and nicely filled out shorts…” I catch myself before I go any further but Lisa and Kate gape at me.
“So she has come back from the dead! She knows gorgeous men exist!” Lisa chuckles and claps her hands in joy. Kate laughs along with her and shoots me a look as if to say Good for you.
I’m still reeling from the events of the last 48 hours, as I have all day, but I know I will have to make my peace with it eventually. Yes, my body still remembers the incredible sensations of the blindfold over my eyes, the bindings on my ankles and wrists as he did such wicked things to my body, but I am sure that I can eventually chalk this up to an amazing experience that will never be repeated. My heart aches at thinking how he’d have woken up without me, but I chide myself as I imagine him shrugging his shoulders and getting on with his day. The thought is sobering and it doesn’t inspire any joy in remembering that night.
As we eat dinner then watch TV together later on, I play the memory back in my head with a mixture of both pleasure and disappointment. I know I don’t have the right to feel upset as I truly believe the conclusion to our little dalliance wouldn’t have ended any differently. At least I was the one to walk away, right?
The man was a Sex God. Plain and Simple. Too talented and experienced to not blow a girl’s mind every time he ripped off her knickers. I have met his type before, and as exciting as it is to be the centre of their attention, it never lasts.
My last boyfriend Adam never did anything he didn’t want to. We got together fairly quickly after I moved to London and we were on and off again for a good few years before I finally dumped him for good. I blocked him everywhere and vowed never to speak to him again. I knew very little about relationships back then, but even I knew that it can’t only be about one person. The memory of the night I left him no longer makes me burst into tears, but it does still linger in some ways. I am much more protective of my heart now, and given I missed so many red flags before, I remain on alert for anything. While this isn’t an unusual story for many women, it’s not an experience I ever want to repeat.
Then, just as I was getting back on my feet again, my father got rushed into hospital after a very serious car accident. I close my eyes to prevent tears rolling down my cheeks as I remember my sister’s frantic call and Lisa driving me home at breakneck speed in the middle of the night while I was barely keeping it together. I feel my hands shake and I want to call my dad up just to hear his voice. To prove to myself that he’s still alive and well.
My Dad thankfully remembers very little about the night of the crash and I call him or text him every day to let him know how much I love him.
You need to get on with life, Cass. I’m not going anywhere yet. My dad had said many times to me after his discharge from hospital. He has since made great progress with physiotherapy and my mum and sister feel that pretty soon he’ll be able to do things on his own again. I shake with relief at the thought.
Kate looks over at me from the other side of the sofa, and I feel as if she knows what I am thinking. She somehow always knows, even if she can’t articulate why. I smile at her and turn my eyes back to the TV.
The more I think about that time, I remember how it felt like I took longer to recover than my dad did, as selfish as that sounds. The readjustment back to ‘Normal Life’ was hard and I didn’t feel like the same person I was. Something no doubt that Kate and Lisa were concerned about, but what could realistically be done about it?
Later on, as I settle down to sleep, I try to block out the memories that have been plaguing me in one way or another since the morning I left Grayson. I remember the feel of his hands, his deep reassuring voice that soothed me through moments of panic, and his full possession of me as he ravaged my body over and over again.
Even remembering the way he said You’re mine, Cassidy as he thrusted into me over and over again makes me weak at the knees. It was like all my fantasies came to life and I wanted to surrender to him fully and completely. Nothing would have made me stop, and I try to calm my breathing at the thought. I feel my pussy ache with need and I resist the urge to reach under my night dress to give myself some relief. As horny as I am, I am also exhausted and I want nothing more than to sleep.
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