But as I close my eyes, I see his deep blue eyes watch me through the darkness and all my worries seem to drift away.
“Oh god, please don’t stop!” I beg through my hoarse cries of need. I want to feel my nails clawing into his back, but my hands are bound to the bed. I pull at the bindings and I know that it’s useless to even try to free myself. And even if I did, he’d hold me down with the strength of his will. I’m helpless no matter what I do, and the thought makes me moan that little bit louder,
He growls in my ear and I can’t help but moan his name a little bit louder. My lack of vision is making every sound that little bit more pronounced and my skin tingles at the thought of what might happen next. I feel the sweat dripping from his body onto mine, and the scent of shampoo lingering in his soft hair drives me crazy. My hands fist in the crisp linen and my mouth is dry and sore but I don’t care.
Grayson then cries out in pleasure. His body seems to be almost crushing me and instinctively I move against him, trying to make my own pleasure last as long as possible. And when it’s over, I am nothing but a puddle of ecstasy and broken down barriers.
*Three months later*
As he finishes inside me and his face falls to my chest, I find myself cataloguing the contents of my fridge. I make a list in my head for the next time I visit a supermarket and even make plans to start cleaning in the hard to reach places around my flat.
I stroke his hair and make a conscious effort to mimic deep breathing after such loud screams of pleasure. I despair at the idea and I even hope he clicks onto what is going on so he’ll leave. This whole idea definitely made more sense in my head.
This man, whose name I’ve already forgotten, is close to falling asleep but I push him onto his back, position myself over him and grind against his now flaccid cock to relieve the ache even just a little. I place his limp hands at my hips and direct him to squeeze and claw at my skin but he can barely keep his eyes open, and instead I just play with my breasts and even pinch my nipple until I can feel the faint shocks move through my body.
It’s a near constant ache that began way before I asked if he was up for a good time. I wanted to see if he could help me out of the funk I’d found myself in. As I slump onto his chest and feel the gentle rise and fall of his chest, I can feel the need in me begin to stir once again. I groan in frustration and I curse just how short-sighted I have been to think that this would actually work.
“Baby, you’re hard work, ya know,” he says as he strokes my back in an attempt to calm me down. I’m gagging for it even more when I know for sure that he can’t go again. I almost hate him for it despite knowing that I’ve no one to blame but myself.
“Well. You certainly satisfied my needy little pussy,” I say with a deep layer of sarcasm. I know I shouldn’t be rude but I can’t help it.
When he finally starts to get dressed, I remain naked under the sheets watching him. I am hoping he will see the hunger in my eyes and actually make the effort to finish me off, but he’s checking his phone and barely says goodbye as he closes my bedroom door and leaves my flat.
I can’t believe I was so stupid. I thought I was done with one-night stands but the ache I have felt over the last few days has been unbearable. This all too familiar pattern is beginning to annoy me and I know that I will go mad if I don’t find some way to relieve this hunger.
I think of the last time I woke up sweating and gasping for breath as my bedsheets clung onto my sweaty limbs and the vision of deep blue eyes danced before me. I could swear I felt the sharp sting on my backside. It felt like I was drunk but no amount of wine could compare to the intoxication I felt as I dreamed of his hands, his crushing weight on top of me and even the primal scent of his skin.
God! This is getting ridiculous! I resolve to get myself together and actually do something to fix my situation. Therapy? Some kind of lobotomy?
Both sound equally absurd but I know that something needs to be done. I just can’t carry on like this. It’s all I can do to just get through the day when I’m at work. My vibrator has been taken out of retirement once again and I want to just give up, pack up my things and drive away… until I think better of it. I take notice of my face in the mirror as I brush my hair free of tangles and remind myself of just how much I have overcome to get where I am now.
Cassy Miller doesn’t give up that easily and I picture my mum’s disapproving face whenever my resolve begins to crumble. God, I need one of her hugs right now.
She always knows when something isn’t right, and as I hear her soft calming voice over the phone on our weekly call, I take solace in the fact that she’s only a short train ride away. My dad grumbles good-naturedly as she talks about her latest project that serves to keep her occupied now she’s semi-retired. My younger sister then takes the phone from her and I listen to her bang on about what a hunky new man she has found this week.
At last my dad does his usual check in about the state of my bank account, my fridge and to call if I need anything etc. I can feel his fatherly love through his matter of fact words. Truly, nothing is as effective as talking with my wonderful family when my mind is all over the place. I want to tell him a thousand times just how much I love him but it’s one of those moments where you just have to let it be.
“Well anyway, I better go. I’ve got a few things to do before bed. I’ll speak to you again at the same time next Friday?”
As we say our goodbyes, I can see the weekend stretching out in front of me like a vast open ocean with no sign of land for miles. I despair at the idea of having very little to distract me since Lisa is out with another set of friends, and Kate is taking off for the weekend. I questioned her about it a few days ago given she never takes any kind of trip without months of warning to either me or Lisa. Yet, she was strangely cagey about it and as I didn’t have the energy to question her further, I let it go.
“Cassie! How do I look?” Lisa bursts into the room wearing a gorgeous bodycon dress of fire engine red that hugs her body perfectly. Her lips are the same hue as her dress and her beautiful blonde hair is piled high on her head in lustrous curls. Her green eyes sparkle and I feel like a country bumpkin next to her in a comfy dressing gown, a face clean of makeup and a forlorn expression.
“As always, you look fabulous,” I say bitterly, as if I weren’t annoyed enough.
“Alright, who woke up on the wrong side of the bed Miss Sourface?” Lisa says with an air of amusement. I swallow my hurt pride given I know that it’s hardly her fault I’m feeling so crappy.
“Sorry. I just don’t feel so good. I’m tired after this week.” Lisa looks at me sceptically.
“I take it your stud service wasn’t to your satisfaction?” She says, giving me a knowing look.
“He satisfied me very well, I’ll have you know,” I say, but Lisa has already stopped listening and continues getting ready. I watch as she makes sure to spritz herself with her expensive perfume and pinches her cheeks to give her a little more glow without reaching for her blusher.
“Are you going out tonight, Cass?” asks Kate as she hurries about making sure she has everything she needs.
I nonchalantly brush my hair behind my ear and say “Well, who knows. I might go out and meet up with a new circle of friends, or maybe meet some other gorgeous hunk…”
“She’s had enough of those to last her a lifetime,” Lisa says with a chuckle, “You can go back to being the old, reliable Cassy we know and love.” Kate hides a smile and I am just about to respond with indignance when Kate comes over to give me a hug.
“Don’t get into any trouble, mind. I’ll see you Sunday and you can tell me all about it,” Kate says distractedly.
Lisa then kisses both my cheeks before heading out with an alluring sway of her hips and Kate follows dragging her little suitcase behind her. I sigh and make myself comfortable on the sofa.
Perhaps Lisa is right. Maybe a life of excitement and unpredictability isn’t for me? I miss the feeling I had up until recent months of feeling in complete control of things. My quiet and unremarkable life made up in restfulness what it lacked in excitement.
I could have a nice night tonight, then go shopping tomorrow. I could even walk around for ages on Sunday, or try and visit my family as a surprise… but then dismiss the idea as I know that my mum would be all over the place trying to get things ready for something she didn’t plan weeks in advance.
I feel very lonely and also very guilty for feeling that way. My friends aren’t obliged to be with me every single minute of every single day. They have their own lives to lead and no doubt they want a break from my sour face after all the evenings and weekends they’ve had to endure these last few weeks.
It all came to a head last Friday while Kate was trying to be magnanimous about it all and making me cup after cup of hot chocolate to cure the bad mood I’ve been in lately. We were about to start watching a film when Lisa suddenly said:
“Oh just go out and shag someone already!” Much to mine, and Kate’s embarrassment.
While neither of them really know the details about that night all those months ago, they know that I’ve not been feeling right since then. I wanted to respond to her rude comment but I couldn’t help but think about it for the rest of the night so I instead just chose to say nothing and carried on watching the film.
But I will have you know that this isn’t a result of a lack of trying on my part. I tried meditation, I tried retail therapy, I even tried going out to another one of Lisa’s parties in the vain hope that He might be there…
And so now I think I’m within my rights to blame her for suggesting such a thing and I imagine all the terrible ways I’ll make her pay for that as I plump the pillow on the sofa, turn on Netflix and punch my UberEats order into my phone.
Leave a Reply