Yet, as the night wears on, my anger at Lisa dissipates and I find that I’m running out of excuses to blame her for my funk. I love Lisa and despite how blunt she is at times, she’s always governed by the best of intentions.
But I know that something has to be done, something has to happen.
***
The moment I walk into the office on Monday I’m stunned by what I see. The office is tidy for once, my colleagues are actually getting on with work most diligently and the air seems alive with excitement in a way that is simply not possible on a Monday morning.
My boss Paul comes out of his office looking red and flustered but considering he’s usually red with anger at me, or anyone else who simply looks at him wrong, that’s not exactly surprising.
What is surprising is the fact that he’s dressed head to toe in a very finely pressed black and white suit with a blue tie. He looks very nice considering he’s usually dressed in a tracksuit or some other comfy clothes. He has dark hair, a stocky build and a face permanently etched with a scowl. Except for the pearly white smile that seems fixed to his face this morning. He looks relaxed for once and even smiles a good morning to me as I head towards my desk.
I return it and try to ignore just how uncomfortable I feel. It’s like the look a snake would give you just before it bites you. I wonder just what is going on with him when I suddenly see the answer gliding out of his office.
Whoever she is, she has Paul eating out of her hand. She is dressed impeccably in a black pencil skirt, a blue silk blouse and nude heels. Her makeup is simple but suits her colouring perfectly. Her long luscious locks of hair fall in a dark curtain to her waist and her soft brown eyes crinkle at the corner as she smiles. She’s heartbreakingly beautiful and everyone seems to be staring at her. Including me.
While I’ve dressed quite well compared to my colleagues, I’m in way over my head if I believe that I could give this woman a run for her money. I straighten my sleeves and smooth my own black A-line skirt before checking my bright yellow ballerina shoes and discreetly pat down my hair. As soon as I raise my head, Paul and the goddess approach my desk.
“Hi Cassidy. How are you this morning?” Paul says, with a painted-on smile.
“I’m good. Thank you, Paul. How was your weekend?”
He ignores my question and instead turns to his lovely companion as she graces me with her smile. To my surprise, I feel a blush spread all the way down from my face to my neck and then to my chest.
“This is Lena Anderson. She’s one of our very special visitors today. Lena, this is Cassidy Miller. One of our administrators.”
“It’s very nice to meet you,” She says in a soft, feminine tone. Her accent is American and it is cultured and articulate. It’s like meeting royalty. Or a celebrity.
“You too,” I say, trying to keep my voice from shaking. Thank god I wore a nice outfit today.
“And how was your weekend, Miss Miller? Did you do anything fun?”
I pause momentarily, “Er, I went to see my family who live not far from here.”
“Oh wonderful. It’s just the weather for it. I sometimes forget just how hot it can be in London during the summer months. If you come at the right time that is”
Me and Paul laugh a little too heartily but thankfully she doesn’t seem to notice. My mouth is parted slightly as I listen to her soothing voice.
“Well, I can tell this is going to be a great visit. So many friendly people here.” Lena says with satisfaction.
“It’s a good time for all of us to get to know each other, I’m sure. We’re a hard working bunch but we know how to have fun too. Don’t we Cassy?” Paul says, a little too overly familiar given he has a few other not so nice names to call me by this time on a normal morning.
I nod before I then say impulsively “We don’t often get visitors, Miss Anderson. Least of all one as lovely as yourself.”
God, why did I say that? Paul gives me an odd look as Lena runs her hand through her hair in what I suspect is false modesty. Surely she can’t be surprised when people compliment her like this.
“Well, that’s very kind of you, Miss Miller,” Lena responds.
“Please. Call me Cassidy. Or whatever you like really” I laugh uncomfortably,
Lena looks at me and gives me another one of her lovely smiles that seems to reach her eyes this time.
“Thank you, Cassidy. I look forward to getting to know you… All of you, in fact. I just hope you’re prepared to see…”
“Lena. Are we gonna get this thing done or what? You know I hate to be kept waiting,” says another strong American accent.
Paul’s expression is one of terror and he looks around surreptitiously straightening his tie and fiddling with his cufflinks.
Jesus! What crawled up his arse and died? The voice is the kind that would make nails on a chalkboard seem preferable. The voice certainly doesn’t sound like someone blessed with charm and friendliness like Lena.
“Please excuse his rudeness. He’s decided to just be an ass today… Come on out and be nice,” Lena says, rolling her eyes in amusement.
It’s when he strides into the room that I can feel the earth slip away from under my feet and my stomach swoops. All sound and sight is forgotten except for the focal point of my vision. I can’t help but feel my mouth drop open and I want to scream with the unfairness of it all.
Oh my god this isn’t happening! This has to be a dream.
“Allow me to introduce you to my business partner, Grayson Smith. We just thought we’d come along to see how the project is going.”
He says nothing. I suspect that he just lets Lena do the talking. I feel the burning blush in my cheeks again. Then I feel myself go pale and I sink into my chair by my computer. My eyes are fixed on him as if I fear he might bite.
“Cassidy. Are you okay?” Paul asks with genuine concern, and that only makes things worse as I fight to maintain a normal pace of breathing.
Lena looks worried too but Grayson looks at me in a funny way and for just a moment, I swear that eyes widen in recognition. But then his face is schooled into that calm, nonchalant and infuriating expression that makes me want to punch him. In fact, I seriously consider it, not minding if Lena and Paul see. But my dizziness wins out and I take a deep breath.
“Yes, I’m fine. I’m just a little hot that’s all. It’s sweltering today”
“Why don’t you go and get yourself a glass of water before you start work, Cassidy?” says Paul and I am glad he’s given me an out.
I’m grateful as I move myself away quickly from that penetrating gaze. As I turn into the office kitchen to get a glass of water, the head rush is so overpowering I feel the floor may come up to meet me but thankfully I manage to steady myself.
I sit down with a glass of water but my nerves are shot to ribbons. I take deep steadying breaths and remember the trick Kate taught me by trying to find five things in the room that I can see, smell, hear and touch. I force my mind to focus and I just about manage to succeed but my mind is in turmoil.
Is this punishment for leaving without saying goodbye? For not thinking before doing something monumentally stupid? I find myself once again cursing the lack of alcohol that night. At least then I’d have an excuse and little to no memory of what happened. Instead, I remember every part of that night in torturous detail. I feel my hands shaking and my stomach drops as I drain my glass. I know I can’t stay in the kitchen forever and I’ve only got five minutes before I start work for the day. I make my way back and wave hello to my colleagues with a plastered smile on my face.
To my relief the three of them are gone and I resolve to bury myself in my work and forget all about this insane morning. As the day progresses and the time to go home gets closer and closer, I find myself becoming more and more anxious. I feel my fists clench automatically and my neck and the small of my back are soaked with sweat. I can’t look around the corner of the office without nearly jumping out of my skin. I have no appetite and it’s a miracle I don’t pass out from hunger and thirst but I’m determined to make it through the day, then call in sick for the rest of the week. Hopefully by then he’ll be gone.
What’s he even doing here anyway? Why my office? Why now, over three months later?
All very good questions that I have no answers for and I’m frustrated with myself for not even remotely considering this to be a possibility. We have a lot of clients from every background and people come and go a lot here. I’ve been here for over two years and although I certainly do my best at my job, I can’t say that it’s the kind of work that makes me excited to get up in the morning.
I don’t know exactly what Grayson does that brought him to our little Advertising firm and I feel miffed that I told every little detail about who I was while he remained a complete mystery to me. I suppose that was our dynamic all along, and while it was very hot in the bedroom, it’s infuriating to me outside of it.
I admit that I may not have had the best taste in men until now, and my last relationship proves it, but I always managed to get at least a little bit of information about them before they could even think about getting into my pants. I’m beginning to think that I did the right thing leaving before I got too attached.
I grumble and groan as I finally wrap up my work for the day and get ready to leave. I hate how unsettled this has made me feel. I take deep calming breaths as I make my way downstairs and out into the late afternoon of the busy London streets. It’s a scorcher out here and I feel none of the comfort and happiness I usually get from a lovely summer’s day. No matter how hot it is, I welcome the gorgeous rays and make the most of it before I’m starved of the sun for another year.
I’m about to go to the bus queue when I hear: “Nice to see you again, Cassidy.”
It makes me shiver with fright and I double my efforts to stay calm but my fragile nerves and lack of sustenance are making me a little crazy.
“What are you doing here?” I say with undisguised venom.
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