“Oddly,” he said bringing his hands up to cup her face. “It does make sense. I’m not sure how I would have reacted. But now I’m prepped. So, is there anything else that may be awkward for you to tell me? Now that I’m kind of ready for it?”
“There probably is.” Jessica said kissing the inside of his hand as it caressed her cheek. “But I can’t really think of it right now.”
“But when you do, you’ll tell me?”
“Sure …” Jessica said hesitantly.
Jim sighed. “That’s not very convincing.”
“Is it so bad if I have some things I just keep to myself?” Jessica asked. “I doubt you tell me everything about you … everything …” she repeated with emphasis when Jim was about to argue.
“Okay. I haven’t told you everything. What do you want to know?”
“How many girlfriends have you had?” Jessica asked, leaning away from him so she could see his face. Jimmy’s lips curled into a slight smile. Had he detected a hint of jealousy in her voice?
“One.” Jim answered. “What?” he demanded when she narrowed her eyes at him.
“Okay. One serious girlfriend.” Jessica said, “ But how many girlfriends in total?”
“I’m not trying to pull something on you here Jessica. I’m no Scott. I’ve had one girlfriend … other than you.” He snuck in and watched for a reaction.
That had caught her off guard. She stared at him for a moment, blinked, and then smiled.
“You consider me your girlfriend?” she asked in a shy voice.
Without thought she reached up and started playing with the collar on his shirt.
“Much more than I considered my other girlfriend to be a girlfriend.”
“What was her name?” Jessica asked still focused on the buttons that were buttoned and needed absolutely no fixing. Jim tilted her chin up, until she was looking him in the eye.
“I don’t remember.”
“Oh come one!” Jessica said with a laugh.
“Okay. Her name was Scarlet. She was my first and last real relationship, until now. And it in no way compares to how I feel about you. Not even close.”
“So what happened?” She asked, a large smile on her face and pink coloring her cheeks.
“To her?” Jim asked.
Jessica nodded.
“Her family moved and she went with them. We weren’t Romeo and Juliet, so it was fine.”
“I guess she wasn’t one of you?” Jessica asked.
She felt Jim tense.
“One of us?” he asked quietly.
“Yes, you know … one of your clan?”
“She was … one of us.” Jim said.
Somehow this conversation felt wrong. When they’d first brought Jessica here they’d spoken about their clan and other clans a lot. Part of the barrage of verbal and mental abuse they’d used … explanations as to why her family had had to die. Why she had to be their prisoner. And there it was … one of the many reasons this conversation felt wrong. He was in a “relationship” with his prisoner, could that ever really count as a real relationship?
“But her family moved?” Jessica persisted.
Suddenly Jim wished this conversation was not happening. “She was part of another clan … and they moved.” Jim’s voice was getting quieter and he was desperately thinking of a way to redirect Jessica.
“I’d heard about that I guess. My parents did say your clans could change permutations … but for the most part you stayed together, right? Jim?” Jessica asked when Jim began to turn green.
“Your parents told you about us?” he whispered. It felt so wrong … so wrong!
“Of course.” Jessica said. “You were our mortal enemy. Do you really think my parents would leave us in the dark about you?”
Jim just stared at her.
“But they had a few things wrong …” Jessica continued and Jim could tell that she was remembering something. She had a faraway look in her eye.
“They said the clan always stuck together. But you’ve separated from the clan, right? Riley and Angus go out with the rest of the clan. But we have nothing to do with them … and they also said that you’d kill me as soon as you got the chance. I kept waiting … but you never did.”
She refocused. Jim wasn’t sure what his face looked like, but it couldn’t have been pretty because Jessica blanched.
“Jim? Are you okay?” She brought her hands to his cheeks.
“No. No I’m not. I need a break from this conversation …”
“Okay.” Jessica said and she seemed really confused, “But I thought you were going to tell me everything about yourself.”
“What else do you want to know?” he asked.
“How many people have you killed?”
Jim felt like he was going to hyperventilate. He pushed Jessica away and pressing his palms against Chestnut he leaned on the horse … head between his arms.
“ Jimmy, what’s wrong with you?” Jessica asked in alarm.
“What kinds of questions are you asking Jessica?” he demanded. “How can you ask these things so calmly … like you’re asking about the weather? What the hell is wrong with you?”
“Nothing is wrong with me!” Jessica replied. Jim whipped his head up to look at her. There was anger in her voice, but her face didn’t reflect any hatred. “You asked me what I wanted to know. This is what I want to know. And I thought you wanted to know things about me. Well, I’m telling you. So, what’s wrong with you?”
“I don’t want you to know these things Jessica. I don’t want you to know how many people I’ve killed. Can’t I be the Jim that loves you, and never mind what I did before I met you?”
“Sure.” Jessica said, but her voice sounded less than enthused. “We can do that.” She was rubbing his back, comforting him. This was all wrong. Why was she … the most innocent person Jim had ever known, going out of her way to spare his feelings … comforting him because he didn’t want to acknowledge the monster that he was.
“Thirty-five.” He muttered.
“Pardon?” Jessica said leaning in closer to him.
“Thirty-five.” He said more loudly … pushing away from Chestnut and towering over Jessica, staring down at her.
“I’ve killed thirty-five people in my life.”
“That’s a lot.” Jessica said.
Jim nodded. “That was all before you. Since you came here … I haven’t killed a single person. And, before you ask, I don’t miss it.”
“Jimmy … I wouldn’t ask …”
“I regret every single life I’ve taken Jessica. But I can’t change the past. If I had to do the same thing again, I would try to find another way.”
“My parents believed in justice Jim.” Jessica said, moving closer to him, craning her neck so she could look in his face. “They would try their hardest to bring people to court … for trial and then prison. But if it didn’t go that way … if they ended-up dying in a gun fight or something … they never beat themselves up about it. It was a war … even as a kid I knew that. I just wish we could have been on the same side.”
“What’s going on?” Josh demanded. Jim and Jessica jumped. They turned to see Josh and Scott, staring at them.
“I asked Jessica to be honest with me.” Jim said. “And she has been. Brutally. How come you guys are back so soon?”
“It doesn’t take long to buy a keyboard and a drum set.” Josh said, staring at Jessica and taking a step closer. “Just how was Jessica being brutally honest?” He had locked his eyes on Jessica’s, and he moved closer still. She stood sandwiched between Josh and Jim.
“She asked about previous girlfriends … told me how her family had told her all about us and that she’d expected us to kill her right off, and then she asked me how many people I’ve killed. Made me feel better about the blood on my hands by letting me know her family had some on their hands too.” Jim reported in a low monotone voice. He wondered how to go about suggesting Jessica for sainthood.
“Jesus Christ!” Scott hissed from behind Josh.
“Like I said. Brutally honest. But I deserve it. I was pushing her to tell me her intimate thoughts, feelings … here they are.”
“Why does it matter how many people we’ve killed?” Josh asked.
“Because.” Jessica answered, she reached for his hand and pulled him closer. “Because I haven’t killed anyone. Ever. But I used to day dream about it. About being like my parents … catching all of you … putting you in prison. And I’d had my chance. There had been a gun in the car … my Mom’s. Right at my feet. I’d picked it up, and my brother had been yelling, ‘shoot, shoot!’ but I froze. I couldn’t do it. And then, they were all dead.” Jessica had closed her eyes, remembering the scene. And she stood now, in the silence, eyes closed.
Scott had pushed his way between Chestnut and the trio standing next to her, and he stood watching Jessica.
“And so you have regrets …” he said quietly.
Jessica shook her head and opened her eyes, turning them to Scott. “No, actually I don’t. I forgave myself for that a long time ago. And, I think my family forgave me too. Had I killed you … even one of you … I wouldn’t know you now. I wouldn’t get to be your girlfriend now. I have no regrets.”
“Jessica, you are so far beyond being a girlfriend.” Josh said. He felt an empty painful hole growing in his stomach. He could tell that Scott and Jim had it too, just by the pain etched into their expressions. Of all the things she’d said, the only thing he could seize on was the reference to being his girlfriend. Maybe the rest would just go away.
“I am?”
“Shit yes.” Scott agreed.
“You’re a part of me Jessica.” Josh said, taking her arm in his hand and squeezing. “I’m pretty sure I can say the same for Jim and Scott. If I lost you … it’d be like losing a piece of me.”
Scott was nodding in agreement. Jessica looked over her shoulder at Jim and saw him doing the same. She suddenly realized that it was true for her also. She hadn’t been apart from them in so long, she wasn’t sure she could be.
“I guess you’re more like a wife than a girlfriend.” Scott said reflecting on the thought. He’d never considered having a wife. But right there, in that moment, it seemed right.
“I’m not sure about being a wife. I couldn’t be your wife.” Jessica said, shaking her head.
“Why not?” Scott demanded.
“Well. For one thing, polygamy is illegal.”
Silence ensued.
“Jessica, “ Jim said quietly, “we don’t often conform to conventional rules. We have many polygamist marriages in the clans. And there are many countries in the world where polygamy is legal.”
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